I'm 29... she is 19. it's been 8 months her parents still don't know

52% Normal
7 Comments

So, I joined to see what the general opinion would be on my current relationship.... So here it goes.

I was in a long term relationship for 7 years and due to growing apart split up. I was single for around 3 months, sleeping around quite a lot and met all kinds of different people of who were mostly female and mostly ended in some form of sexual encounter. I met some very attractive women in that time, however many females my age have children (I was 28 at the time, 29 now) and for some reason women with kids is a real deal breaker, unless it is casual. It seems super shallow but I just can't bring myself to fall for a woman with a child, as I would have to get involved in some element of parenting/guidance and I'm not maternal for other peoples kids. I have young nieces of who I spoil and adore, so I know it is not a issue I have with kids in general!!

Then things took a very exciting turn when I met my current partner, at the time she was 18 (now 19). Initially it was casual but 8 months later, we are still together and seemingly it is serious. I would consider myself as in a relationship with her and it seems like she feels the same. I know in my heart it is normal as my Dad has been with his partner for 20+ years and they have 3 kids and been married for 15 years, when they met she was 18 and he was 30. My mum is supportive of my happiness and lets me get on with it.

However there are some issues. Her parents still don't know I exist, and no matter how much I have encouraged her and told her to tell them it seems like she won't, it seems could be a long while before they know. It is difficult as the impression I get is that her parents are not very supportive, probably quite judgemental and strict, and would seemingly have an issue with the age gap.

In terms of my personal opinion? I could not care what her parents think about me, but I still worry about her happiness and want her to be happy and comfortable when she is at home. She is aware I'll support her, and be there for her. To add, she still does not stay at friends and is the kind of girl (who at times) I feel hasn't come to terms that she is an adult and in theory can do what she likes.

My friends know we're together and most of our social circles are aware we are an item. However her circle is largely small (has a few real friends, but her social media accounts are all full of 1,000+ friends, followers ect.) There is also a large number of guys her age that try it on with her, however I am comfortable with that as I trust she'll tell them she's not interested when they overstep the mark (and some have).

I guess what I am asking is.... Is it normal to be kept in the dark for so long? It does not bother me for my sake, however it bothers me for hers. I worry the longer she leaves it the worse it'll be when she does tell them. She has suggested when she does we should lie about how long we've been together but I'm not keen on that idea. I am not keen on the idea of building a relationship based on lies whereby her parents will look at me as if I have encouraged this behaviour. I am also getting to the point where I feel that our relationship is not normal, as normal couples should be able to be close and open with the people closest to them.

What do I do??

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52% Normal
Based on 21 votes (11 yes)
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Comments ( 7 )
  • joewithasideofdoe
    6 years ago

    So you want to encourage her but don't really give a shit? Be real with yourself is she just a nice, child-less piece of ass? or is it something more? There is no definitive right move here, there is a wrong move and that is to lie, that shit catches up with all of us

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      6 years ago

      It's not like that, I want her parents to know so she can stop lying about where she is and who she is with. Their opinion of me doesn't matter just so long as they know I exist and that their daughter has found happiness.

      And... In terms of the childless comment, they could be closer to my age and not have kids and I'd be okay with that.

      All I want is her to be happy and confident to tell the people who truly matter in her life that she has found someone she likes.

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  • iamjav
    6 years ago

    just get with someone your own age

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  • gillam1
    6 years ago

    Sounds like you're trying to be the diplomatic– it's the right thing to do, nice guy. Tealights[above] is pretty spot-on.
    Girlfriend has her reasons and you shouldn't pressure her. You were 19 once and had your reasons for keeping things to yourself or until you felt ready. Your friend's opinions weigh heavy at that age and I'm sure they've questioned your age and what you all have in common. IJS...it's a normal response to a 10year age difference at such a young age.
    Don't make it about you. Just encourage her to help build her confidence.
    If you feel that uncomfortable about it, you may have to weigh your options and move on.
    As a teen, I was a black guy dating a white girl. I understood why she wasn't in such a rush to tell her parents. She knew them better than I did. I didn't pressure her. She took babysteps to introduce me to them. After months of know my name and that I was a friend, over time they got to know me and begrudgingly accepted me.

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  • Boojum
    6 years ago

    First, on the children thing, some may say you're being selfish or shallow, but I think you're being sensible. Being a step-father can be great if the kids, mother and her new man all happen to mesh together neatly. More often, it's very complicated and stressful. Are you the kid(s) new dad, or are you just a man who lives in their house? Are you a buddy, or do you take on all parental roles, both good and bad? What do you do when you find yourself on the side of the child, not the mother, in some disagreement? Do you support the kid because you think it's right, or do you back her up and risk alienating the kids who feel no natural sense of connection to you?

    Working out a long-term relationship with one other person is too difficult for many people. Toss into the equation one or more emotionally immature people carrying all sorts of baggage from their mommy and daddy's break-up, and it can get hellish complicated.

    That sucks for single parents, but it's the reality.

    As for your girlfriend, it seems to me that she's the one who has to decide when and if her family knows about you. That's not your call. It's her family, she knows them and you have to respect her decision not to say anything.

    Maybe she knows from past experience that she'll always get flak from them about her boyfriends, no matter how wonderful they might be. Maybe she wants to be able to tell them that you've been together for two years, and say that this proves you're not just a player.

    You want her to be comfortable at home. Presumably, she does too. Respect the fact that she has decided that not saying anything about you makes her home-life more comfortable than introducing you would.

    She may look back in a few years and wish she had said something about you sooner, but you've made it clear you'd be happy to meet them and she's the one who made the decision.

    You say you've been in a relationship for seven years, and that suggests you have at least some emotional maturity. Think about why this is important TO YOU. Respect her decision on this. Don't pester her about it. Mention it only very occasionally, and never in tense times.

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    6 years ago

    I'd agree with that. I am not a controlling person and feel a relationship is a 2 way thing. I am remaining laid back and embracing the fact that I am happy, but it would be nice for her (and for me I suppose) that the people close to her know she is happy.

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  • Tealights
    6 years ago

    Ugh, I hate when people start things out with, "It not for me, but for her!!!!" Dude, it's 1020% about you. You're not a bad person for admitting to this, because being kept a secret from your partner's family/friends fucking sucks; because you feel the relationship isn't as real to your partner as it is for you, it begins to feel one-sided.

    Yeah, I know you're going to probably be like, "No! She's lying to her family and friends! It's hurting her," or some shit, but it's not. You're hurting. You want everyone to know, which is why you added in the whole, "My parents are the same age gap, what's the problem!?" Understand that your parents were raised in a different time where it was normal for women to wed as soon as possible and have children under the financial security of their husbands; an unwed woman was considered abnormal in those days.

    As for why your girlfriend hasn't revealed you yet, ultimately, you'll have to talk to her about it for real answers, but to give possible reasons as to why, here are my guesses:

    1. She feels weird about it. Your relationship has gone on for a few months now, so you were probably her first of many ways, and no doubt she spoke to her friends about you. Someone close to her probably informed her how strange it is for an older man to be dating someone so young. With her being at that age, no doubt her friend's opinions matter a lot, probably even more so than you or her parents'

    2. She may have asked hypothetical questions about you. This is something everyone has done to gauge how much trouble their in when talking to any authority figure. For example: "Mom, dad, if I were to date someone twice my age... would you guys be mad?" Typically, dad would be like, "I'll kill him. No man that age should be dating a girl so young and with her whole life ahead of her, especially my daughter," and mom reactions may vary (but mostly agree with the husband). Not saying this is what they said, but it's a possibility that if she ever asked this, the response was probably negative.

    3. Though unlikely, but possible, she could be growing apart from you. You two are at different stages in life. Nowadays, women aren't pressured to marry and bare children; we're encouraged to live as free like our male counterparts, that means to pursue careers, party, have casual sex, and live until we're ready to settle down. Issue is, some women don't use birth control, or very careless about it and end up getting pregnant by some random; which sadly makes them undesirable because what man wants to raise another man's child? Not saying your girlfriend is having sex, but she's at that age where it's normal to experience all you can without the weight of a relationship and may not be taking this as seriously as you are.

    Either way, just talk to her; because none of us will really know.

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