I love my boyfriend but i can't seem to stop cheating..is that normal?

12% Normal
28 Comments

It's kind of a long story but I will try to keep it as short as possible. I met this guy (I will call him Joe) over a year ago and we instantly started sleeping together. We never "dated", it is always just sex. I had feelings for Joe but he just isn't the dating type. The sex was great so I figured I could keep sleeping with him until someone worth dating came along. I met my boyfriend 7 months ago (I will call him Bob). We jumped into a serious relationship right away, fell in love and moved in together. I told Joe right away that I had met someone so our sexual relationship had to stop. I was good and stayed away from Joe for about a month but then for some reason we started sleeping together again. I love Bob very much but our relationship has been very difficult. Bob is a very bad alcoholic. I don't want to break up with Bob, I want nothing more then to be able to help him with his addiction and be there for him when he is struggling. Joe never wanted anything more then sex from me but now that I have found someone he is putting a lot of pressure on me to leave Bob and be with him instead. I don't want to be with Joe, we don't have the type of connection Bob and I have but I can't seem to stop cheating on Bob with Joe! WHY??? I just can't seem to make sense of it all. Bob is more attractive, more loving, caring, fun, and better in bed...so what is my problem??!! I don't even seem to feel remorse of any kind, Yes I realize cheating is wrong but shouldn't I feel "bad" about it?

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12% Normal
Based on 58 votes (7 yes)
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Comments ( 28 )
  • dom180
    9 years ago | pl

    You can stop cheating if you want to. Unless Joe hypnotizes you, there's probably no mysterious outside force making you sleep with him. It is your decision to make, and you need to take ownership of it. If you want to stop seeing Joe, you have the choice to cut him out. Burn that bridge, never talk to him again.

    Bob is an addict and you can't change him if he isn't ready. If you try to help him you'll probably end up accomplishing nothing and hurting yourself. A relationship with an alcoholic is stressful, which may be what makes seeking solace with Joe so attractive.

    I think you need to be single. If you don't know what is going on in your own relationship, it's time to call it quits. That means cutting out Joe as well. Sometimes relationships are just fucked, and the best you can do is let them die and carry out the autopsy.

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    • [Old Memory]
      9 years ago

      Some people feel like they can't be alone and feel the need to always be in a relationship whether it is a destructive one or not.

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      • dom180
        9 years ago

        Yeah, singledom is underrated. It's better to be alone than in a destructive relationship. I think a lot of people have their self-esteem tied up their relationship status, which makes being single seem much scarier than it is.

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    • JBC
      9 years ago

      Ok so maybe I should have given more detail. I am not some stupid female that doesn't understand relationships and how wrong cheating is. I was in a 10 year FAITHFUL marriage before all this happened. We divorced simply because we grew apart and I did not love him anymore. What I don't understand is that I managed to stay completely faithful to him!
      I do not want to hurt Bob...that is the LAST thing I want. It's not like I am cheating and shoving it in his face, I am extremely careful to make sure he doesn't find out. I have tried cutting Joe out but he keeps coming back. I think I have serious issues with wanting to please everyone. I don't even really get turned on by Joe anymore...in fact I find myself often fantasizing about Bob while I am with Joe.

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      • dom180
        9 years ago

        Hiding it from Bob doesn't make it any better. I'm sure you know that, but it needs to be said :P

        You're being very fuzzy. What do you mean when you say that Joe keeps coming back? Do you mean he's a stalker, or someone who is otherwise emotionally manipulating you, or what?

        I think you are right when you say that you have issues trying to please everyone. I think you should start seeing a therapist if you don't already, because they will be able to help you more than we will. I don't believe you're a bad person; you're just doing bad things because you are too dependent.

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      • RoseIsabella
        9 years ago

        Just because Joe continues to contact you doesn't mean that you necessarily need to respond. I know it's not easy, but how would you feel about just not responding back to Joe anymore?

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  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    So much drama. I actually wonder why Bob and Joe stay with a woman like you. Maybe they like the drama and the abuse.

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  • pixie_dust
    9 years ago

    are you a stripper by chance?

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    • JBC
      9 years ago

      No I am not a stripper. I have very professional job.

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      • pixie_dust
        9 years ago

        Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

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        • JBC
          9 years ago

          No, never. I had a very normal upbringing and a fairly boring normal life....until I divorced my ex husband lol

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          • pixie_dust
            9 years ago

            Was your ex husband abusive in any way?

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            • JBC
              9 years ago

              Yes, In many ways but never physically. There was definitely a lot of mental abuse.

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  • poon_jabber
    9 years ago

    can u deep throat?

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  • Raichulolrat
    9 years ago

    congrats you're gay

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  • RoseIsabella
    9 years ago

    Sounds like you're a sex addict, either that or you secretly want Bob to dump you for cheating on him.

    I wouldn't be surprised if you were a sex addict, however, as birds of a feather tend to flock together. What I mean by that is addictions often form as a coping mechanism and a way to self medicate the stresses of life starting as early in life as childhood and adolescence. From your post I would imagine that you and Bob have much in common including family of origin issues, negative core beliefs and even possible childhood trauma that may have lead to acting out in addiction and other compulsions in an attempt to escape and relieve emotional pain.

    If your intentions are indeed as you mentioned in your post I would like to humbly suggest that you get sober yourself with the help of Sex Addicts Anonymous and attend meetings of Al Anon and or Codependents Anonymous to help you deal with his alcoholism and your codenpendency issues. It's understandable and commendable that you would want to help Bob with his alcoholism, but it's also essential that you understand that you're powerless over him and his addiction. You are not helpless and you can encourage him to attend meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's not your job to fix or enable him, but you can encourage him, set healthy boundaries for yourself and keep your side of the proverbial street clean by working on your own sexual sobriety.

    Here are some helpful links that should help you get started on your journey of healing your life and encouraging Bob to do the same for himself.

    http://saa-recovery.org/
    http://coda.org/
    http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
    http://www.aa.org/
    http://www.adultchildren.org/Meetings.php

    I wish the both of you all the best!

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    • JBC
      9 years ago

      I have often wondered if I might be a sex addict. So that suggestion really doesn't surprise me.
      I am happy to say that last night Joe was supposed to come spend the night as he usually does (Bob is away during most weeks for work) But I told him I couldn't continue to see him. It was difficult and he was extremely upset. He keeps insisting that I kick Bob out so he can swoop in and take his place but I held my ground. This isn't the first time that I have told him that our affair had to stop but this time I feel much stronger and confident in my resolve.
      I know I can't make Bob quit drinking. That is something he will have to do on his own. I just want to be there as a positive support system for him and I know that if I am constantly going behind his back and sleeping with Joe then I can't/shouldn't expect anything from Bob (whether he knows about it or not).
      Posting this here has actually been very helpful. I have a friend that I have told all this too and even though she has tried to say all the things I have heard here it seems to go in one ear and out the other. Maybe I just needed to hear it from strangers.

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      • RoseIsabella
        9 years ago

        I'm glad to hear you turned Joe down this last time. So what so you think you're next move from here is gonna be, girl?

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        • JBC
          9 years ago

          My plan is to just stay the course. I have deleted and blocked Joe from my facebook and deleted his number from my phone so that there is no temptation for me to talk to him. I know he will try to contact me as he always does but I am hoping I can stay strong. I know it doesn't seem like it but I truly do love Bob and I know if he ever knew about all this it would devastate him.

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          • (s)aint
            9 years ago

            For Bobs sake he deserves to know about this and then he can decide if he wishes to stay with you or not.
            Cheating is NEVER excusable and your guy deserves to give a fair chance with this.

            Second, first rule when dating an addict: Accept that this is who he is and he's the only one who can change it. All you can do is to be an inspiration and a motivation to him

            Which ...you haven't been.

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            • JBC
              9 years ago

              Are you there being a fly on the wall in our relationship? No? Didn't think so.
              I resent the fact that you say I am not motivating him and being an inspiration. Before me he was going no where good and fast. You have no idea of the shit I have put up with because of his addictions. I have lost friends and the respect of some of my family members for sticking by him soooo FUCK YOU. Do you actually have any idea what it is like to live with an alcoholic and a recovering cocaine addict? Doubtful.
              I am in no way saying that me cheating was right but it doesn't make me the horrible person you are making me out to be.

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          • RoseIsabella
            9 years ago

            Does Bob ever go to AA meetings?

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            • JBC
              9 years ago

              No, we have talked about it but it has never happened. He knows he has a serious problem but I don't think he is ready to deal with it...that or he is scared. I try not to put too much pressure on him. He has cut back on his drinking a lot, he still drinks everyday but at least now he isn't getting wasted every single day.
              When we met he had a bad drug addiction as well. He has overcome that amazingly well. He hasn't touched drugs in the 7 months we have been together (that I know of). All this probably makes you wonder why I would want to stay with someone with so many problems but Bob is the kindest most good hearted person I know. I honestly think all the addictions he has are not his fault. His mother, father, sisters are all alcoholics, and I commend him for recognizing he has a problem.

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