I have the urge to self mutilate

23 Comments

It's me TheBlindInquisitor and I have a problem.

It is something I think about every so often I use to do it a lot because I got off on it.

It gave me a rush that was similar to drugs if not better but it made my family and friends worry.

Most of my high school years and early adult years was being confined in and out until I managed to get past it.

I'm aware now that it's abnormal and is something I don't want to do again but deep down I still want to do it.

I know it isn't normal I still take meds and I do things like getting an education.

It's one of the reasons why I'm learning Chinese because I'll practice when I get the urge.

I know I have issues but can I ask is anyone else on here faced with similar problems.

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Comments ( 23 )

d0esnormalmatter

4 years ago

Yeah through a lot of high school especially the earlier years I always had the urges to self harm. Basically I would hold it off for a while and then do it a lot for like a few days and then feel really guilty and stop for a while before the process repeated.

The reason is probably different than why you have the urges but I am pretty sure my urges to harm stemmed from sexual repression paired with the unique sexual desires I had including being a masochist, or getting sexual pleasure from my own pain. For much of this time I was not masterbating or watching porn at all because my family raised me to think that was wrong, so harming myself became my only source of sexual pleasure. Even when I started masterbating to pornography I still had bad urges but I did act on them less. This however, led me into a porn addiction that has had many adverse affects, some of which are still affecting me. Really the turn around point was when I started having actual sex. My mental state improved as I had more partner relations and less porn use.

I never "got help" for any of this. I literally just decided what to do myself and started pursuing partner sex insetad and reduced my porn use which did take a LOT of willpower but eventually I got desperate enough that it started working.

Two things besides sex that helped me were/are lifting weights and music. I can alter and stabilize my mood with music and it helps me think about something else when bad urges arise. Also the gym allows me to take out my anger so to speak and it helps me lower psychological stress a ton and I can't stand myself just taking like 2 days off.

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- TheBlindInquisitor
  
  4 years ago
  
  Damn dude I'd say that it started for similar but different reasons I have a high tolerance to pain and I'll say for the most part that I'm some what bland personality wise.
  
  I mean for the most part friends and family say that I'm great to be around but I've always felt empty inside not many things truly make me happy.
  
  I've tried other things I've had sex thought that would make me feel something nothing I use to be a massive pill popper it made me feel slightly good still not enough.
  
  the slicing and slight stabbing didn't start until I just had a thought in my mind can't remmber the full details but I stabbed my leg I still have the scar and it felt great and I don't know why I remember that one of my sisters flip out when she saw my doing that.
  
  To make a long story short from that point I ended up in and out of places where they would try to help me I'll be honest in the beginning I lied plenty of times just to get out and I'd do it again.
  
  I kinda regret it because I became addicted to it I have a lot of scars on my body from it while things are slightly better now I still feel empty.
  
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  - d0esnormalmatter
    
    4 years ago
    
    Well the more I read the more you sound similar to me. I also have a high pain tolerance and bland personality according to just about everyone.
    
    My friends and family also say I'm great to be around but I do not enjoy them hardly at all because their all super religious and would hate me if the knew the first thing about my sex life. So that elephant in the room just fucks up my head whenever I'm around them.
    
    Idk what to tell ya man I mean it's very common to feel empty, but the solution isn't exactly simple. I can tell you what helped me but I can still have no clue what you should do about it. Sucks man.
    
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RoseIsabella

4 years ago

Hey BlindInquisitor, I know you said you take medication, but are you seeing therapist? I glad to hear that your studying Chinese, and that it helps to dissuade you from self mutilation. I hope you can stop self mutilating.

In January it will be twelve years since the last time I cut myself. Hang in there, you can do it, and please know that you are certainly in my prayers! I know it ain't easy, dear heart.

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- TheBlindInquisitor
  
  4 years ago
  
  Haven't seen a therapist in about five years but I am thinking about doing that again when I was younger didn't like it much because my parents kinda forced the issue.
  
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    4 years ago
    
    Yeah, it's always harder when people force things especially if that thing might be helpful. My family can be really pushy about stuff, and I hate it. It honestly just makes it harder for me to take care of business. I think I've been relatively open to the idea of therapy, because my family was against it, and seemed to believe in the whole pull yourself up by the bootstraps bullshit. There were times when I was pretty sure my family thought therapy was just a racket to make lots of money, I know now that my most recent ex-boyfriend thought like that. It's actually scary how much he was like my mom. Of course not all therapists are great at what they do.
    
    I remember that my folks would push me a lot, and force me to go to the gym when I wasn't in the mood during a period of deep depression, and the memory of that can make it harder for me to go to the gym now.
    
    Right now I mostly find myself ignoring people who nag me, because I really just hate nagging.
    
    Sorry for the long drawn out post, and ranting about my stuff. I hope you can find more ways to help you stop self harming. I know it ain't easy.
    
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    - TheBlindInquisitor
      
      4 years ago
      
      I get what you mean I am also not a fan of people being pushy.
      
      I get that it's because they care but it can get annoying.
      
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momgetthecamera

4 years ago

Does the fact that you are at risk of doing it bother you? Or is it the urges themselves and the inner conflict?

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- TheBlindInquisitor
  
  4 years ago
  
  It bothers me a little bit and it's urges that are in the back of my mind.
  
  As I said it was very addicting and felt really good so yeah it's also a bit of a inner conflict.
  
  But I do have a lot of self restraint so I'm not afraid of doing anything stupid.
  
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KholatKhult

4 years ago

When I was at my lowest low I did a lot of camping and backpacking. I wasn’t in the business of “self harming” but I had an awful drinking and pill habit, as well as just not taking care of myself until I fell sick.

But when camping, especially in places with a less forgiving climate, it forced me to have to take pristine care of myself. I had to stay sober because I had to catch my food, I treated any wound with respect because I had to stay on top of my game to complete self sufficient tasks.

Camping made me learn to take good care of myself and it reminded me that I still had fight in me to put so much effort in to keep myself alive. I imagine the risk of infection would scare you straight if you knew it could take you out of the game.

I know self sufficient camping can be a bit of an extreme jump for some people. But taking on tasks that force you to treat your body well can be great motivators. Maybe schedule fancy dinners with yourself or someone you care for every now and then? That can force you to dress up and fixate on your appearance. In the end you may have to do some self-manipulation

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- KholatKhult
  
  4 years ago
  
  Also! Chinese is a beautiful language, I know some, and it is my girlfriend’s mother tongue.
  
  Painting Chinese script is a excellent relaxer, could be a good hobby to pick up to distract yourself
  
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WeirdGuyFr0mTheSouth

4 years ago

I dont know how you mutilate yourself but just some advice dont do it to your arms or anywhere visible. If you are deadset on doing it do it to your thighs. I dont recommend you doing it but if you have scars all over your arms its gonna be hard to get a good job.

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- TheBlindInquisitor
  
  4 years ago
  
  Interestingly finding a job has never been a problem but I get what your saying.
  
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DIO

4 years ago

Why not hit the heavy bag?

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- TheBlindInquisitor
  
  4 years ago
  
  I started lifting awhile ago (back in mid November) as well as other forms of ways to get into better shape.
  
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  - DIO
    
    4 years ago
    
    I'm talking about beating up a punching bag. That should help you.
    
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    - TheBlindInquisitor
      
      4 years ago
      
      That is in my list of workouts.
      
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Shiki

4 years ago

I am not faced with the same problem, but it is sure not easy to overcome and obsession or any psychologic illness. Maybe you could consider it to try replace it with something else for some time? Medical and Education sometimes just doesn't make the solution..maybe you also could ask for any other workshops or advises

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- TheBlindInquisitor
  
  4 years ago
  
  True Reading sometimes takes the edge off I sometimes smoke weed better that than the other thing.
  
  And when I take my meds it keeps me stable.
  
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  - Shiki
    
    4 years ago
    
    So, when you think your meds keep you stable, it might be the best for your current state right now. My boyfriend also is pychic ill and smokes weed, but since i moved in he smokes a lot few than before. Maybe you really just need to find the very thing to reduce your habits.
    It might never cure, but it is always considerable to get things better. ^^
    Try new stuff and try to concentrate on other things you enjoy. Sometime's it could get worse again and it will always change, but do not lose your motivation '_' it is all about to keep on track
    
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    - TheBlindInquisitor
      
      4 years ago
      
      Thanks for the advice.
      
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litelander8

4 years ago

When I’m super frustrated, which is often, I punch the shit out on my legs. It brings me relief. It’s ok. But please don’t do anything stupid. We don’t have enough clever users to lose you. Cheers babe.

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- TheBlindInquisitor
  
  4 years ago
  
  I once meet someone in one of the places I was put in who had a similar issue. Thanks for the concern.
  
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Are You Normal?

I have the urge to self mutilate