I have depression

(This is just a rant haha)

I know that everything has a reason but i really wished I knew what my life's meaning is;

From these past few days, I'm only thinking on what do I do when I grow older but the scary thing is that I can't even see myself in the future.

I can't even start conversations and has a serious lack of self-confidence so surely it'll be a disastrous ride of adulthood.

I have a very unbalanced diet and it's probably too late for me to change my health and might die from cancer or something.

I really have a bad personality which even I can't tolerate myself. People hates me for that.

I have this awful habit to leave people who are dear to me. I really have no reason to avoid or escape them but I don't know, I just want to be alone and regret leaving them afterwards.

I long to have real friends but nobody stayed. I thought I wasn't good enough, a nuisance but when I got older, I just realized that I am the one who's running away, leaving them behind. Of course they didn't stay because I avoided them. It's my fault after all so i deserve to be alone.

I always help people and encourage them, support them, accompany them and all but somehow these days, i didn't recieve anything from them. Those people that i wanted to be friends with doesn't even care on what I do. Haha, this is probably karma taking action.

Night by night, i always think of a way to die easily. Probably some of you might think that I only have light problems then think of the people who died but wanted to live longer and then life is beautiful; If only I can take the place of a dying child, I would. My problems are way too complicated since I don't even know what it is. I wanted to seek help but my mind is always saying "They probably won't understand." So in the end, i kept everything inside. I gave some trusted people signs of me being depressed but they thought i was joking. It hurts. It fucking hurts.

I wanted to shout everything that's been dragging me down to death itself but my voice won't come out. I guess i'll be just waiting for me to have the courage to end this suffering.