I have an urge to kill: a lenghty and graphic story
Ok, I haven't really told anyone about this. I mean, I've told my sister a little about it but I didn't really go into detail about the true extent of my 'condition'. In this case, I will go into extensive detail so this will be a little long.
I have a strong urge to kill. People, animals, whatever. Most of my free time is spent entertaining detailed and in depth homicidal fantasies in which I kidnap, torture and kill people. I've had violent fantasies since I was about 13 but at that time they revolved more around hurting or killing criminals or enemies of the U.S. in combat (i.e. terrorists). Also, they were a little more vague and less realistic. Now I create formulated plans on how to capture, kill, and most importantly, not get caught so I can kill again. But it's not just bad thoughts, recently at work I chased down and caught a bird that was healthy but couldn't fly due to some tar-like substance on it's wings. I messed with it a little and showed it to my co-workers and then took it away. When I was out of sight I grabbed it's little neck and held it. I thought of how easy it would be to snap it's neck or to smash its head with my boot. I know it's just a little bird but I felt a sense of power holding its life in my hands. I could feel the urge to kill it welling up inside me, I got a fluttery feeling in my chest... but I didn't kill it. I didn't spare it's life out of mercy, however, but out of fear of being caught. So I put it in a tree and went inside. The rest of the day all I could think about was that bird and how badly I still wanted to find it and kill it. Eventually, the urge passed and I was back to work... and daydreaming about killing people.
As for my homicidal fantasies, I have rituals worked out in my head that usually involve some form of surgically precise disemboweling. In these daydreams I take a variety of mementos from the kill ranging from skin to hyoid bones to brain tissue.
It scares me to think of what kind of monster I could become. I want to seek help for this but that scares me, too. Just posting this scares me. I've been hospitalized before for cutting and it's not a fun place to be. I don't want to go back. If you've read my other posts you know that I still cut, have an obsession with blood, and have had suicidal urges as well (thought not so much recently). I'm not asking if this is normal, I don't really see how it can be. But I want see if anyone has any input into how serious this is. Am I really at risk of becoming a murderer? And am I alone in these thoughts? I'm really in distress here so please don't ridicule me or say that I'm faking this.
Thank you.