I have a few issues; i think
I have some issues, I think. Atleast I view them as such, and it would be great to know If this is perceived as normal or abnormal by others.
I imagine getting hurt, physically, quite often. For example when I'm trying to sleep and I picture breaking my hand by falling, getting stabbed in the stomach or have my foot break into two pieces. I get this sort of twitch and nausea by thinking about it obviously. I dont just picture this happening to me; also my loved ones (and I still get that nauseating sensation) I have never experienced any of those things, nor have my loved ones.
I think I'm overly emotional -meaning that I have no control over how I react, only that my fear of being perceived weak keeps me from truly breaking down in front of anyone and therefore do not quite know how to respond to things. Instead of actually showing how I feel (too afraid to be see as dramatic as well) I Just zoone out in a way. Star into the wall or floor, trying to calm down raging thoughts and pressure building up in my chest, so that I can answer calmly. However the emotions and the like, are gone for some time -and in that period I kind of feel nothing. Like I'm drained and apathetic. Until suddenly I boil over and kind of scream to myself in my own head and crying for a long time until i'm Just blank again. (Dont think I've done that infront of anyone either)
This black/white way of dealing with things also effects how I perceive myself. Some few hours or so there's literally nothing that can bring me down and I feel beautiful and invincible. Then there's the others side where i feel like shit, think i look the worst, hides from everyone and surround myself with this hopeless shadow hanging over me. This lasts... well all the time in between the few and short highs.
It's Just. .confusing and tiring. I've tried to "think positive" and all that **** but. .. i'm not sure that will help when I'm either the symbol of optimism, or the complete opposite.