I hate the idea of butt stuff until i’m really turned on
The idea of anybody touching my asshole has always been a no go for me. It doesn’t feel good but it also just grosses me out. I know it’s supposedly clean, but I never feel clean and I just can’t get over the mental barrier.
Well, a couple weeks ago I was sleeping with my new boyfriend for the first time and when I was about to cum he asked if he could finger my ass...I was so turned on and relaxed that I said yes. And it felt amazing! It sent me over the edge almost immediately...but I felt icky as soon as we were done and that feeling stuck with me for a couple days. I told myself I’d never do it again. But then the next time we were together...it happened again. I was so lost in the act that I let him do it after he asked again, then I felt even worse about myself afterwards. So I told my boyfriend how I felt and I didn’t want to do it again and he was understandably confused but understanding and agreed not to bring it up.
The next time we were together, I was having trouble climaxing and really found myself craving the finger back there as we got into it but I didn’t say anything and we finished with me feeling mostly unsatisfied.
When we got together again, the craving was there again, and this time I told him to touch me there. He told me what I said about how I felt afterwards but I literally grabbed his hand and put his finger there. I needed it. His finger felt so good...so forbidden, so wrong, but so good...that I actually started wondering what his penis would feel like in there. When we were done I took a long shower and tried to pretend those thoughts never entered my head. Honestly I haven’t had sex with my boyfriend in days since because I’m terrified that I won’t be able to control myself.
I can’t be the only woman, or the only person, who’s ever had these conflicting thoughts. How do I either control my urges during the act or learn to accept that I like butt stuff and that’s ok?
TL;DR I’m both disgusted and extremely aroused by butt stuff. Help?