I hate my belly fat yet sometimes it turns me on?

I'm a girl who's pretty average sized except for my belly, which sticks out some and you know, is a little fat lol. I'm really insecure about it and suck it in, but I just really wish I could find a guy that likes me, who'd be willing to play with my belly, like squeezing, jiggling, tease me, make me wear tight clothes, etc. I watched youtube videos of this kinda stuff and it really turned me on, to my surprise, and that's when I realized that I had a thing for it. I constantly switch between wanting to lose weight for a flat stomach, or gain weight on my tummy.
There was one guy who I wouldn't suck in my stomach around, because he thought my belly was cute, and he would give me belly rubs and play with it from time to time, and it turned me on more than he knew...Anyways, I haven't met anyone else who'd do that, nor anyone else who enjoys this the way I do, and I would be wayyy too embarrassed to tell a boyfriend or anyone about it.