I hate life

You're a hero. You need to know that. You're a hero for the people you take care of, and you're your father's hero, whether he realizes this or not. There's no limit to what you can do. You're still a young woman. The notion that an unmarried woman over 35 has to turn into an "old maid" is worn out. You have decades and decades of possibilities ahead of you. Your biggest dreams could still come true, and the best parts of your life might still be ahead of you. Your legacy begins when you're ready to accept the challenge of building it.

My mom knows a woman who never married, she's about 50 too, and she lived with her aging mother. When the mother died, this woman was lost and lonely. What she did to change her life was to get involved with her community. She joined board groups, community projects, etc. And this is a tiny rural community I'm talking about. There's always something to do or to help with, no matter where you live.

You need to get satisfaction from life, and that might come from helping others. Plus, the more you do, the more friends you'll make. You need to start to entertain, invite people over, impress them with your hospitality and your sense of humour. My grandmother has about 3 times more friends than me, and she's been widowed a few times. Even though she does get lonely without a husband, she's never "alone" because she's close with her neighbours and she teaches classes.

Good luck!

You are full of shit for making such a statement...pull your finger out your ass and do something about it...life ows you shit...destiny is in your own hands !!!

Just thought I'd say, 'Hi.' Hope all is well.

ithink no its not normal 4 any1 2 b un comfortable with there life. U can b n a more worser situation.every1 has some1 in there life,and sometimes they dont even no it bcuz there 2 focused on there life be n not good enough 4 them

Hi,
I like what you said about how when all is said and done you and father do love one another despite having a strange kind of relationship. I can completely relate to that. I also know what it’s like to have something small really get on top of me when it’s the latest in a whole series of small things. Anyway, I’m glad to hear that things have smoothed over now. And it’s nice to hear that you have your neighbour to talk to now and then, but I understand completely how you can still feel lonely at times despite that, especially considering what you said about her having her own life, etc., so I don’t think you’re contradicting yourself at all. As you say, these kinds of things can get a little complicated. That’s why I always hate it when people give overly simplistic advice as if everything could be sorted out at the snap of a finger. I suppose such people mean well, but it can be a little frustrating when they just don’t seem to have any inkling of what you’re going through, or even of what kind of a person you actually are inside. I’m glad you like the idea of an art class. I have to admit that I’m more than a little biased on that score since I’m actually an artist myself (not yet a successful one, I’m afraid, but I’m working on that – I’m 26 by the way, and I’m a guy, just in case you’ve been wondering). A literature class could be good too, though, so I guess it just depends on which one you’d prefer, which one you think would do you the most good, and which one would be more likely to have the kind of people you might enjoy mixing with.

A bit different but a lot the same here! I'm 52, kids are grown and gone, wife and I are sort of co-habitating rather than living as a "loving couple".

We have 2 daughters one won't have anything to do with us cause we would not pay off her hubbys college loans....now she holds our grandaughter as a sort of hostage....my feelings are PHUCK YOU!

Our younger daughter is a real sweet girl and I am very grateful to have her.

So, I feel lonely and like a "utility" rather than a desired husband. I always feel things will get better....ya gotta remain with a "pilot light" of hope.

Life can be rough on ya sometimes....childhood crap regurgetates and ruins a lot of times as well as wasting a LOT of time.

I became more spiritual in the last few years and find some real loving and kind people there....I too have "trust issues" but am often reassured by those in my choice of church...I settled on Vedanta....google it. Quite different from the "my gods better than yours.

Keep tough and hopeful no matter what!

The fact is that you’re lonely because you have no one to talk to. You can’t talk to your father, but that’s not your fault. So you need to try and find somewhere you can go to relax and be with people. As I was saying, I think that joining an art group (if there’s one near) might be a good idea. If you’re not very good at art, you could join a group that also gives lessons, or else you could take some classes first. I think it would be good because you could so easily combine it with your love of animals by drawing or painting animals. Other reasons why it might be good are that it can be quite relaxing and satisfying and art is a good outlet for expressing your feelings. In other words, if you have a lot of things bottled up inside you, art can be a wonderful way of releasing a lot of the tension. Also, if you joined an art group, the other people in the group might be more likely to be the kind of people that understand frustration and sadness more so than other people, because artists aren’t always the happiest people in the world and it’s seen as completely normal for art to be a way of expressing the kinds of feelings that are difficult to deal with. It’s also a very constructive way of dealing with them instead of being expected to feel sorry for yourself and nothing more. So I think joining an art group might be something to think about.

Regarding how things are with your father, it sounds like there’s nothing more you can do that you’re not already doing or have done. So try not to let it get to you as if it were your fault. Obviously, how things are between you is a problem and it hurts, but it’s not ‘your’ problem, in the sense that there’s nothing you can do to fix it. You’re doing all you can from your side, so if there’s a problem, it’s one that only he can fix (because relationships are by definition a two-way street). If he chooses not to do anything about that, then it’s really his problem, not yours. If you look at it that way, you’ll still have to tolerate the fact that unfortunately the problem exists, but at least you’ll know that the solution is not up to you and you won’t feel you have to try harder and harder to solve it. Only he can solve it, not you. You’ve done all you can, you’re doing all you can, and there’s nothing more you can do. If he blames you for things that have happened, there’s nothing you can do about it once you’ve already apologised. If he doesn’t want to accept your apology, that’s not your fault and there’s nothing else you need to do. You certainly don’t need to keep apologising over and over. And if he won’t treat you nicely, that’s not your fault and it’s not up to you to try harder. You’re taking care of him, cooking for him, etc. etc. You may have to just accept that he’s not going to change, but you don’t have to keep trying harder from your side and you shouldn’t keep pushing yourself. It’s not your fault if he won’t change.

Hello Thinkingoutloud,

I'm writing early, but I need a shoulder to cry on sort of speak. It's been a horrible day. My father.....he riped into me this morning, over a stupid thing as to how I cooked his breakfast (his potatoes). I seasoned it the way he's always ate it, but this time he saw me add the seasoning. He start to tell me he didn't want added stuff to his breakfast. He said it roughly, accusingly. I got mad and left it telling him that he should make his own breakfast. Told him that that's the way mom always cooked, that's the way he's always had his breakfast served. He yelled at me telling me he wanted it the way HE wanted it. He's giving me mixed messages....he said that he loved the way my mom cooked, I try to follow her ways and that's the thanks I get. I high tailed it out of there. I had a doctors appointment and there were several 90 yr old men in the waiting area. They were sweat and nice. I almost balled, wishing that that's the my father was.

He hates me, he blames me for getting involved with someone who turned out to be a loser (who was just like my father to tell the truth) and that I was stubborn and never listen to him. He through a whole bunch of stuff in my face. That hurt....I told him that I paid for it. I paid for my mistakes dearly. I was just searching for someone, which is a normal thing. I even have to hide the fact that I have the computer. I told him I wasn't going to get one anymore....that it only brings trouble. But.....IT'S LONELY!!!! I have nothing...just my father who I can't talk to.
(continued)

So really you need to find something in between, something where you don’t have to come with a fake cheery attitude just to get in the door in the first place, but something where you aren’t going to be expected to feel sorry for yourself either as if there was something wrong with you. Because why should you? There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just lonely and that hurts. It’s utterly normal, there’s nothing wrong with it. If you didn’t eat for two weeks, you’d feel so weak you wouldn’t be able to stand up. It wouldn’t mean you were a weak person or that there was anything wrong with you. It would just mean you needed food just as everyone does. And if you go without affectionate human interaction, you get hungry for it and you get weak and sad. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or that you’re weak or selfish or not good enough or whatever. It just means you need company the same as you need food, just like everyone else. So that’s what you need to do – try and find some enjoyable, relaxing company where you can be yourself and not have to pretend to be either ultra-happy or incurably miserable. I think you should make finding something like that a priority just as you would make finding food a priority if you were starving. Unfortunately, helping at the animal shelter is out of the question. How about joining an art group? I’m not sure how that sounds to you, but I think joining such a group could have some real advantages going for it. It’s just one idea, of course, and if it turns out not to be right for you, you can try something else. But I think an art group might be good for several reasons. I hope you don’t mind, though, if leave it till tomorrow to get back to you to outline those reasons, because I’m starting to feel a little tired right now. It's quite late here in Ireland so I'll say, 'Good night,' for now.

That’s a pity about the animal shelter. I was afraid you were going to say that! But it would be really good if you could try to find something that would get you out and about among other people in a relaxed environment. With that in mind, I think it would be better to regard using this site as a stop-gap measure until you find something where you can enjoy real company in the real world. Then you won’t need this site anymore (when you get to that point, I'll gladly give you my e-mail address if you’d like to keep in touch with me from time to time). As you said yourself, it’s just not healthy being cooped up on your own, feeling alone. The flip side of that, however, is that sometimes it actually is safer staying in, in the sense that there are a lot of people out there who would probably make you feel worse rather than better if you tried mixing with them. I think the problem is that even when people are nice, generous, kind people, very often they just don’t know how to treat someone who’s feeling low in life. They don’t understand that you can’t just say, “Cheer up,” and expect someone to cheer up just like that. They think that because they’re happy, everyone else has to feel happy too. But it just doesn’t work like that. And when you’re feeling low, being around people like that can make you feel worse. It’s as if you live in a place where it rains a lot (like Ireland!) and someone sends you a postcard from some wonderful sunny place saying, “Wish you were here,” and it just reminds you even more that you’re not there. Then not only are you feeling low, but you’re made to feel self-conscious about it. Sometimes the ‘happy’ people will even make you feel you’re spoiling their fun. They don’t seem to get that they should reach out and share their happiness with you instead of expecting you to go away and come back when you’ve found happiness on your own. But the opposite extreme to being around people like that is if you go to a support group or whatever where it’s okay to feel sad but being there makes you feel a little bit like a loser hanging out with a lot of other losers and everyone is just feeling sorry for themselves and for each other and defining themselves by their sadness rather than actually cheering each other up. ... (comment continued below) ...

So sorry to hear that. I kinda know how you feel. Though ya know, I often feel I'm living for my pets. Without me, they would not survive. I also live for my husband now, and I have family (my niece, etc). But a few years ago, I felt the same way you did. Hope tihngs get better for you!

Hello Thinkingoutloud,

No, I don't think any of what you're telling me is useless advice. Acutally, to tell the truth, I feel a whole lot better about life knowing I can write my feelings down here on this site every day. I don't feel so alone throught the day. I've been feeling much more upbeat. Oh, once in awhile today I feel not so good. Ususally it's because I'm not feeling that well, but I pull out of it :)

I would give anything to volunteer for animals. There is one animal shelter, but unfortunately it's not a no kill shelter. I couldn't fathom working there and to know the next week one would be missing. It was bad enough selecting the 2 I have, wish I could take them all home. Then there's the Wildlife Rescue group...but....I wouldn't be able to bring an orphaned animal to work. So, I'm just hanging on until retirement. In the meantime, slowly but surely, I'm clinging to different little projects and my animals. But....I need to get out. Sometimes I think I almost feel safer being at home....but that's not a healthy way to live. Here I am lonely, and I find myself shrinking in my little coccon.

Yes, 2 hens are better than one. I think Jenny would appreciate a companion. I almost brought one home. It was a baby chick at the feed store that wasn't thriving well...looked sickly. I was going to bring it home, but, I didn't want an episode with my father. I'm lucky he's allowing the ones I have. She seems contented though.

It is demeaning when people think you're supposed to "snap out of it" when you're down. What I hate the most is when in public you have to smile whether you feel like it or not. It's so difficult to forse a smile when you just feel like crying. When you're finally alone, you're real feelings have been so suppressed, that you don't know who you really are. I feel that way especially when I'm through with my shift at work. Or, like in my case when I've gone to a counselor....you tell them your circumstances and their reply is "how do you feel about hat"....what kind of statement is that?

Then there's being alone without anyone to communicate with....that's another type of suppressed feeling.

Isn't the English language complicated? One word can be spelled differently depending on what country one lives in. Or, the same word could have several meanings. There's so much to know, so much to learn. Irland....such a beautiful country.

It sounds like what you need is some human company where you can relax and not have to be giving and giving and giving. I wish I knew where you might find that. The only thing I can think of is if you could volunteer or get involved with an animal rescue group or something like that, but maybe there’s nothing like that that’s near enough to your home. I guess it’s going to be up to you to try to think about what might be possible for you to do to make life happier and more enjoyable for yourself or at least more bearable. But I hope in the meantime this site is helping you feel better and I hope feeling better will help give you energy to do something to get involved with others who have similar interests, whether in animals or something else. I know that’s sometimes easier said than done, so please don’t let it get to you if it’s not as easy as that and forgive me if I come across as another person giving useless, impractical advice that doesn’t work because of particular circumstances. But if there is something you could do or something you could join, it would be wonderful. Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying your vacation. And by the way, I love your hen’s name. Jenny is such a sweet name. It's one of my favourite female names (we spell 'favourite' with a 'u' here in Ireland where I live, just in case you're wondering!).

Good to hear you’ve been feeling better and to see your new user-name too. Thanks for that info about keeping chickens. I do think I’ll get some when I have my own place. I found an article on the web that said that they’re more regular with eggs when they have company. So I think two would be good. As for using this site to vent your feelings, I don’t see why not. The whole point of it is surely to help get perspective on things, large or small. By the way, I’m not sure if I said it before, but it’s totally normal to feel down if the circumstances of your life are getting to you. I hate it when people give advice to people who are feeling terrible and their advice is basically, “Cheer up, be more positive, just do this or that, etc.” They don’t seem to appreciate that when you’re feeling low, you don’t always have the energy to cheer up and pull yourself out of it all of a sudden all by yourself and sometimes your circumstances can get in the way too. When people give advice like that, it can add insult to injury because it’s almost like telling someone it’s their fault their feeling down and they’re just refusing to cheer up and be positive. But if the circumstances of your life aren’t ideal, then being aware of that fact, and feeling it, is the most natural, normal thing in the world, as natural and normal as being happy if your circumstances happen to be pleasant. So if you're feeling low, that's okay. And when you’re feeling low, it can be hard at times to summon up the energy to try and improve things. That’s why I hope this site is helping you feel better, so you might have a little energy to see if you can improve things for yourself.

contentment......I've changed my heading to this, because at this point in time.....that's how I feel :)

hello thinkingoutloud,

You are so right. To constantly give can be exhausting let alone wear and tear on your body. Today, actually has been a good day. Even though I worked around the house and tended to the animals, I felt pretty darn good. I think that's half my problem most of the time.....not feeling well. To try to care for someone else while not feeling well makes it so difficult. Maybe too, it's being on vacation that's slowing my body down to normal speed. Whatever it is, I'm thankful. My dad hasn't been on my case today so that's another plus :) Yes, I'll change my heading, guess it is a little off beat.

I thank you for allowing me to talk and express myself. I wasn't too sure if it was appropriate or not. I thought this site was more of asing a question and then leave. I'm glad I can continue talking....it really helps. I've been looking everywhere for a place where dragging out your feelings was acceptable. I thought the yahoo groups were just for that kind of thing....but no one even replies anymore. Even with a simple hello. Oh well, thanks for being friendly.

As for chickens, they are so cool. A little messy, but keeping them clean and happy is part of the husbandry. Jenny (my hen) stays in my garage. She's terrified of dogs (rescued her from several dog attacks) and feels safer being inside. She goes outside scavaging for worms, but comes back in. She's has spirts as far as laying eggs. Sometimes I'll have an egg a day for several weeks, then nothing for another 2 weeks. If you're really wanting eggs, best to have several chickens. I feed her corn mixed with a vitamin enriched poultry starter. She loves graham crackers, whole grain bread....just about anything for a treat. Along with food, they need grit. I give her a kind of small rock like gravel, along with oyster shells. Shouldn't give them too much oyster shells or they get egg bound. I'd like to build hen house with a run. Wouldn't mind haveing a few more. It's soothing to watch them scratch around the yard and hear them clucking. My little girl sits on the doorstep in the morning waiting for me to open the garage door. She books it out onto the roadway looking for worms. She knows her name and follows me around the yard. They are not stupid birds at all.

Does your hen lay eggs? You've actually made me really start to think seriously now about getting myself a hen some time in the future. I love eggs so I think it would be so utterly brilliant to have an actual hen to provide them. I don't think they're too high-maintenance, are they? Because i really am thinking of getting one now that you've put the idea in my head.
Anyway, as for some of the other things you've said, you should try not to be so hard on yourself. You do a tremendous amount of good, and just because it might not be appreciated, that doesn't mean it's not so. In fact, that makes it even more praise-worthy. And to echo some of the other comments, it's important to take care of yourself as well. It's important to attend to others, but you can't give and give and give all the time non-stop, and trying to do so just drains you completely. Sometimes it's difficult to see that, especially if a person is so used to giving of themselves that it seems as if any little consideration for themself is selfishness. But that's not the case at all. 'Love your neighbour as yourself' by definition includes loving yourself, as does 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. I really hope you begin to find life a little happier in the future and I really hope that sharing some of your feelings here on this site has been helping you. By the way, I'd love it if you changed your username from 'nevergoodenough' to something else. i think you should.

yes....my dad may have a little dementia, but for his age he is really with it. He still drives too. I was talking to the neighbor about all this, she even agrees that he's very sharp for his age. Plus, I can't really diferentiate between normal old age and the way he's always acted towards me. He always complains, no matter what. All's I know is that I paid for my mistakes, I appologized, and I'm keeping him going, fed and keeping the place clean for him. I'm so ashamed of leaving him the way I did. He even went as far as going to the police station to find out if there was anything he could do to get me back. I stood my ground even though I was standing in quicksand. Here I am almost 50 and I can't even have my own life. It was the wrong time to find my own life though...since my mom passed away that year my dad was lost. Oh man, what am I doing.....I'm really spilling my guts

You are not a bad person, people make mistakes. It's life and we have to live the bad and the good and we don't always get to choose the order or amount of either one. Stop beating yourself up. That's the past. Apologize (maybe you already did) and let it go. If you can't forgive yourself, no one can forgive you. We show other people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. If you show that you lack confidence, you will be like a flame for a moth who has ill intentions. Even if you aren't sure of your own powers, fake it til you make it. Treat yourself better, take care or YOURSELF first, others last. That takes a toll on you when you only worry about the care of others and you need strength to do it. Selflessness is good, but you are the most important thing. If you aren't happy how can you be of use to others? Make yourself a priority right now.

Oh, don't knock animals as friends either. People can be good friends, but animals are probably smarter and they know our feelings better than humans because they can sense those things and they take us at face value. Animals don't care what you are wearing or judge you for using bad grammar.

Oh, it's totally normal! I think every single person has felt like life is bull! Why are we here? Hell if I know! Most days, the boringness of everything is just overwhelming. That's why some people have addictions I think....Some people shop, some people play video games non-stop, some people drink all the time, some people (like Tiger Woods) are so bored with their awesome lives that nothing else can compare and they do stupid things like cheat on their hot wives because they are so bored with the normal every day life they live. I say, do whatever you have to do to keep life interesting and remember that not every day will be exciting. I live for the next day that something fun or exciting will happen. Maybe that's wrong, but I live for the next day I get to see my friend or the next time I have go on a vacation (maybe not til next year, but still).

Very sad to hear this story.

I hope you can find someone to reach out to with the suggestions above. There's so many people online. Just try and be safe while meeting others. Trusting is always a serious part of a relationship.

Good luck finding others. I hope you succeed.

Hey do u have a facebook? You know it helped me now im always doing things and i always get invited to things that normaly i would not. Maybe the town u live in is just a crappy sad place, have u ever travled with someone and thought that its a little more fun. Jeez if u where here i would get u involved in the community here where everyone knows everyone and its great. You shouldnt feel like you want to die, thats no good, u just have to go out and have some fun but i think to do that the most secssefully u should get a facebook account then find people u lost touch with in ur community thrugh them just befriend people in their friend list, surround your self with possative people from their u will be in their friend circle. A couple of years ago i was in a crappy friend circle now i jumped friends and got to know them better and most i know for a long time. I think 50 is prime because the friends u had when u where younger already had their kids so they are back on the fun train as most of their kids should be around 20 now. Locate those people Have fun most people are generly good. i just feel at the end of the day people are people, its nice to go out and have a drink and shoot that shit with some one. If u never tried i recomend facebook!

yes.

You need to go out and meet new people. You're only in middle age there's so much more to live for, decades left in you!!!

happy birthday!!!!!!

nasty coworkers can make life miserable. i think we all have had that experience, or someday will. since work is not an option to start building a social life, maybe there is something you are interested in and can join a club or adult education sort of thing.

since you are a giving type of person, have you ever considering volunteering at something that you may enjoy. it's a great way to meet people who have a common interest (the thing you decide to volunteer on). from there, who knows, maybe you will make friends and maybe some new job contacts.

now, i am not a religious person, but i've personally known of more than one person who has used religion for this purpose, so that could be a consideration for you. baptists and born agains are very community involved. you may not be the religious sort, but you can try it and see if it works for you.

feeling obliged to take care of an elderly parent and not having the money to make a move can make you feel all the more trapped.

because of your age, it is understandable that stepping up and stepping out is going to be a big hurdle. though, i hope you consider trying something.

if anything, i hope that you find some comments helpful and that being here helps too.

who is the twit that called you about the meeting anyway? your boss must have known you were on vacation.

Hey Brother, I am 48. My life could not be more different than yours. Everyone has different challenges in life. Yours requires a lot less selfishness than others. I have to admire your contribution. But....Walk out the door and get some life for yourself. Start now. Not tomorrow or next week. NOW!!!! Everyone gets one life to live. You have earned more than you are getting.

Well, happy birthday! You're so good to give of yourself by caring for your father and by the work you do. Yeah, share your frustrations here by all means. I hope it helps at least a little. What other animals have you got besides your horse?

Hi Poisonflowers,

I just don't trust any of them (the people I work with). They are sneaky and are backstabers. They've made a comment of how I'm on to them and that they'll never get me fired (not in so many words, because they know I'll hire a lawyer). They've already fired someone who has worked there 15 yrs. So, as far as making friends.....no way!!!! They claim that I'm a good worker, but behind my back they are ploting. I'm not making this up!

So yes, it's a lonely shity life. THe only one person I trusted was my mom. Even my so called best friend isn't anymore. I hate this town and it's people. I can't move, because I haven't got the money to do so. You see I have animals, one being a horse, I won't give up the one thing that I can trust.

Sometimes even my father, I feel their is a motive as to my existance here.

I just hate life! If I could stay awhile here on this site and relieve my frustrations, it would really make life tolerable.

Yesterday was my birthday plus it was my vacation;
I was supposed to attend a meeting. I never miss these meetings, however there are a few people that do. I called the night before asking a staff if they could relay a message to the manager that I was headed to the coast with my dogs. I received a phone call stating in a harsh voice that I had no buisness missing the meeting

Oh god how I hate those people

Oh, what a tragic life you live in. Well, i'm 24 years old and i'm in my final year in college "soooo late.. i know"! I find myself unlikeble and people only get to know me for reasons they want something from me. I feel lonely and miserable and really cannot take this any further but i got nothing to do but live my life and wait to a see a bright day i feel OK!

Hi. That does sound very lonely indeed. What's holding you back from making a change to your life? Is it because you feel that you can't trust other people?

Yes, it can be hard, especially if things haven't gone well in the past or if you don't have much experience in putting your trust in others.

So, do you only ever have contact with the people you care for? I don't really know the details of your work, but maybe you could get to know other members of their family. And don't limit your social interaction to your work. Or do you already know people, but just can't find a way to gains friends and trust them?