I had the highest libido at age 5 and lost it completely at 20

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When I was 5 years old, I, of course, didn't even know what sex was, that it was normal for a girl and a guy to get together naked, that girls had vaginas, etc. However, when I had my first girlfriend (yes, at age 5), my first instinct was to get her over to my house and sleep together with her naked. I asked my mum about it (although I didn't mention the "naked" part because I thought it was weird) and she obviously said no.

From that point on, I would spend sometimes hours fantasising about my various sexual desires every day, and the enjoyment that I got from these fantasies was so great that my number one goal in life for a good 10 years was to fulfil them in real life.

Unfortunately, up until age 16, I thought that my fetishes were extremely weird and that I would embarrass myself enormously by simply even opening up about them to anyone, so I kept all of them to myself. But, interestingly, if I knew that they weren't, in fact, weird, I would still be unable to do anything, because many of them included older people (age ~30) who would be considered [you know who] if they had agreed to do anything with me.

Then, from age 5 to age 16, my libido was continually numbing, until at age 16 the situation culminated with my depression which basically made me asexual and killed my libido for good. And now, at age 20, I don't feel any sort of attraction towards women (or men, naturally), either sexual or romantic.

Is this something that many people go through, or am I just weird?

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Based on 5 votes (1 yes)
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Comments ( 7 )
  • howaminotmyself
    3 years ago

    You sir are a medical marvel. You should be researched and subjected to all sorts of tests to learn why you are so special and fall so far outside normal human development. Actually, there is a term for it. Precocious Puberty. Must be hard to have raging hormones when your brain can't even process the permanence of death.

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    • SingleUse
      3 years ago

      I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you aren't being sarcastic.

      I have read up a bit on precocious puberty, but it seems like that's mostly to do with physical effects of puberty rather than sexual stimulation, and these physical effects actually kicked in later for me than it did for most people. It seems like it was literally just the psychological effects (although now that I think about it, I do remember experiencing the feeling of masturbation while doing particular physical exercises at age 7 - not sure if this is normal or not).

      But, anyway, it's pretty interesting that I have always been an odd person even outside of topic of sexuality. I wonder if it's all part of some crazy personality disorder that links all of this together. For reference, I have been diagnosed with OCD as well; not sure if that helps.

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  • EnglishLad
    3 years ago

    It's a difficult one.

    You were told not to do the thing your body wanted to when your libido was highest because it was illegal at that age, and you've spent your entire childhood fantasising about doing that, but couldn't because it's still been illegal.

    Now that you've gone through your entire childhood fighting your impulses because you'd have gone to jail for letting your instincts take over, you've probably built up in your mind a resistence to having any sexual urges because you probably associate sex with being inherently illegal still and now, even though sex would be legal, you most likely feel that you ought to "punish" yourself for having any sexual impulses at all.

    I don't think it's normal for the general population to have such a high sexual libido so young. I can understand why people who had a high libido throughout their childhood would be so depressed in adulthood, though.

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    • SingleUse
      3 years ago

      You definitely got the idea right, although it wasn't necessarily the law that I was afraid of but instead the embarrassment that came with such thoughts. As a result, the only sex that I was mentally ready to have before I lost my sexuality was with strangers - if I had sex with someone I knew, I just wouldn't sustain the embarrassment.

      However, at this time, my sexual impulses were still there, and they disappeared not because I'd be too embarrassed to have them, but instead in spite of my desire to hold on to them. Your observation explains some parts of this phenomenon - namely, the disconnect between romantic attraction and sexual attraction - but not all of it.

      I see, I kinda never really thought it was normal, either - ever since I was a kid, I knew that it was something odd. Although it turned out to be less odd than I had initially expected, as I thought that no one had any type of such thoughts - ever - and it turns out that they do, just a bit later on.

      I think I should also mention that my depression didn't actually have anything to do with my sexuality. On the contrary, my childhood was unbelievably amazing, and I never really took my sexual thoughts seriously - to me, it was just a little quirk that I had to myself that no one would ever find out about. The real reason for my depression was my unusually high social sensitivity and vulnerability (this was the same reason that I was so afraid that I would embarrass myself), which may or may not have anything to do with the issue at hand.

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  • --
    3 years ago

    Maybe your just not attracted to people your current age

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  • SkullsNRoses
    3 years ago

    You answered your own question, your lack of libido and sexual attraction is likely due to your depression.

    I found this thread about confusion surrounding depression and asexuality that you might find helpful:

    https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/161109-is-it-asexuality-or-is-it-my-depression/

    You might stay asexual forever, or your sexuality might change or fluctuate with time. The best advice I can give is to try to accept yourself however you are, you can’t chose your sexuality and there’s no “correct” way to be.

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    • SingleUse
      3 years ago

      But the thing is: even if it wasn't for depression, my libido would still have been much lower than it was than when I was five, and the truth is that even when I was depressed I still had some libido - it was only gone completely once the depression was over.

      But thanks for the thread. I can certainly relate to some of the things that they are saying there, as most of my social emotions are gone - not only sexual attraction.

      Thanks for the positivity at the end, and I can fortunately say that the times of depression are long gone, and I have certainly accepted myself for who I am and have literally zero complexes now. I don't necessarily love the fact that I am now asexual, but it's not really something I worry about, either. I just wanted to post this here because I didn't know if having the highest libido at such a young age was normal or not, but that's about it.

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