I feel like i don't have a personality anymore.

53% Normal
9 Comments

I am 19 female who is stuck in the race of life.

I had just moved into CA from TX to live with my boyfriend. I Basically just gave up my entire life to be with this person. My family, my friends, my job, my house, my pets, everything.
He is the love of my whole life. I think.
He cheated on me twice with 2 of his ex girlfriends. Were good about it now. But the thought of it all happening is never going to leave you know? its so traumatizing.
its been almost 2 years now, I still think about what he did sometimes and it drives me to the point of insanity. I just think and think about why he could do that and how dare he. How much I hate these girls.
What I don't understand is why am I always thinking about why he cheated on me?
He apologized and its been 2 years!
I hate the fact that it is fried into my brain forever. I feel like I will always be second best even though he has told me a million times that I'm not.
I hate being jealous. I hate hating, I hate being angry about this. I wish it would just go away.
but it won't.
.
.
.
.
I love this man so much its unbelievable how much we were made for each other.

but I recently cheated on him...I cheated on him. I don't feel any emotion for the other person I slept with. It was just sex to be honest. And I did it again with someone else.
I'm not saying that I am proud of it or anything of that sort. I just don't understand what is going on in my head that would make me want to cheat on someone that is my bestfriend/boyfriend.
"He did it to you." you might say
that is no excuse at all and the right person would know that.
I feel terribly bad about doing this to the person that I love so much.
I'm not going to let him know.
I want sex all the time. I like having sex and I can't stop thinking about it.
My sex craze made me randomly jump on top of 2 people I barely even knew.
Its like I'm living this double secret life that He can't find out about. I don't want to live that anymore.

BASICALLY;
When I talk to my boyfriend, I feel this deep connection that only me and him can see.
Same as when I talk to my friends. (which are his bestfriends/ all boys!)

Am I feeling a certain type of connection/bond with these people? They all are very good people, I just feel like there is nothing to say anymore? well not anymore just I can't think of anything to say.
I am always thinking but when I say something I don't think anyone listens. Maybe its just me.
can someone help me? I would really appreciate it. I feel completely lost. :(

Voting Results
53% Normal
Based on 55 votes (29 yes)
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Comments ( 9 )
  • PandaShifter
    13 years ago

    You need to break up. Or at least tell him you need a break to go back home see your family and friends. And then you can talk to them about this mess. Become reconnected with who you once were with the people who know you best. You're family should know you better than him. And you're young, so have plenty of chances to fall in love again if things don't work out. It's amazing that you stayed with after her cheated on you twice, and it's not ironic that you happened to cheat on him twice too after that. That's spiteful revenge, and you earned it. But revenge only hurts you both. Also, I don't believe you really love each other. People who are in love don't stray. You may feel attached to him, or just so use to him that you can't imagine everyday life without him. Your relationship is harmful.

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  • one_green
    14 years ago

    I was in your shoes at one time in my life. I remember scrawling on a wall with a stone..."Who am I?" I felt I had lost touch with who I really was. I do believe that moving to a different place can give you culture shock. You have been away from all of your family and friends that you know well. You feel displaced. Is there anyway you can get to a counselor and talk these things out? It helped me alot to do that. Good luck.

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  • stlolth
    14 years ago

    Ollieo is right, i don't think this person is good for you. You may think he's great but that may be more because of your insecurities than his actual greatness. You need to build YOUR life, have YOUR friends, and then find someone who is willing to sacrifice for you as much as you are ready to sacrifice for him.

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  • [Old Memory]
    14 years ago

    Does this sound like a person who is in a healthy and loving relationship?

    Well not to me.

    You give up everything to be with him, even though you were betrayed and to this day do not trust him. And you may intuitively have good reason.

    Anyway, you have lost yourself in him and his male friends. And these connections aren't deep or healthy - why else would you act out by jumping into the sack with 2 random guys?

    You are only 19. You have given up too much of your life for another person and feel really alienated from everything as a result. This is very unhealthy.

    He may be an OK guy and everything. But it doesn't sound like he, or his world, is the one for you. Rebuild your own life so everything isn't so lopsided.

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  • callb4ucome
    11 years ago

    I would leave him now cause u will never trust him again this I'm sure of... go back home resolve issues with your family get you life together figure out what you want to do with your life now it goes by so quickly... There comes a time in everyones life when they need to be alone...be strong and make a move cause these negative feelings will not just go away and I'm talking from experience

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  • grumpybarbie
    14 years ago

    I almost had the answer and then you fucked my shit up with the whole " I slept with two people" thing soooooo, yeah.

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  • stankle
    14 years ago

    As others have said, you are too young to lock yourself down with one person. He cheated on you, and you cheated on him, so you have no right to feel angry towards him if you did the same thing.

    Your relationship is not healthy. You need to break up and stay single for a while so you can have these random hookups you seem to desire without ruining anyone's life.

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  • nothing2
    14 years ago

    you seem bordered on depressed and angry. angry is better than depressed. i think its a scale one slides into another.

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  • M0J00
    14 years ago

    ummm... holy sh*t your life is weird.

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