I don't know what to title this

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8 Comments

I want to keep this one short, so I'll start with the question. I feel it's my fault, as though my being close to a person in a deep way, that those I love die. That they die because of, by being close to me. Is this normal? If you wish to know more of why I feel this way, read on.

These people meant more than my own life to me. I would give anything to trade places with them...

It started when I was five. My cousin Amanda was killed by a drunk driver, 17 July. At eight years my mate Jennifer passed away from an accidental overdose on her parents' ill-placed drugs, 13 March. When I was thirteen my girlfriend of the time, Amanda, was killed by a drunk, 21 August. Two years later my friend Trent passed away in a car wreck, 20 September. I was sitting next to him, the truck hit my side of the car and I walked away unharmed. The following year my sister Krystal passed away from cancer, 2 December. One year and months later a friend I loved as a sister, Lacy, was killed by a stray bullet during a driveby, 10 March. Three years later my brother was killed by a "gang" on 7 February. Four years pass and the closest friend I've ever had, save my fiancée, passed away from aids, 11 November. This passed year my fiancée of ten years, Celest, passed away from god knows what, our doctor is still uncertain what it is that took her... Shortly after, her sister took her life. 12 and 27 December.

Each of the people here I've bled with or would have died to protect. On top of this, I've been involved in many, many accidents which should have killed me, two of which actually did kill me for some minutes. My church and another church I've visited say this is because I am "clearly meant to be here" and "God has a plan for me" or "it's not my time" and because of this I feel that, somehow, for everytime I should have died, someone I love and care for is taken from me, from their family, to keep me here. So, if you're still following I want to ask another question or two... Is it normal to feel this way and, regardless of that answer, is it normal to blame god for all of this? I'm just so sick and tired of being sick and tired of wondering and hating myself and my life over all of this.

Voting Results
78% Normal
Based on 23 votes (18 yes)
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Comments ( 8 )
  • PrincessEmeraldii
    9 years ago

    This was short?

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    • VirgilManly
      9 years ago

      I thought I read that somewhere too.

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  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    None of this is your fault. Almost everyone will know people who die throughout life.
    You have been unfortunate to know an above average amount of people to pass away within that time.
    I personally do not believe in religion and don't think this was destined to happen. You simply got bad random odds and I hope you don't have to have this continue.
    You can message me if you need any support. I have had people pass away the last few years too and understand it can make you question a lot about life.
    Just understand it has nothing to do with you.

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  • CrazyHorse6ty9r
    9 years ago

    You should feel blessed to be alive , it seems as you have explained in a sense , you and several of your friends tend to live life on the edge , stray bullets , gang bangers and aids. I used to live life on the edge , at age 35 seen enough. Got help through a 12 step and laid the drugs and alcohol to rest. Now 18years of living a life turned 180 degrees to a very conservative life , it's a bowl of roses on a bad day so to speak. And yes bad days still happen but it's an isolated thing now and it too shall pass quickly to become a good day tomorrow.

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  • Avant-Garde
    9 years ago

    I'm so sorry. None this is your fault. It was their destiny to die at those points in time. Clearly, you are meant to continue living.

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    9 years ago

    Thank you very much for your input, loves. I think I'll always be afraid to get close to people because of this, but I feel a bit better within. I think I'll be able to move on from this finally.

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  • thr
    9 years ago

    Normal to feel like you're the reason they died? Perhaps. But it's not your fault.

    And blaming god? With all that crap, I think it's understandable if you blame all that you can blame.

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  • Anonymous200
    9 years ago

    Maybe. After a loved ones dies, its common for a person to feel guilty or suicidal. That doesn't mean it was your fault, though. You've just had a very difficult life. Maybe you should see a grief counselor to sort out your feelings? It must be incredibly difficult to function after all that has happened.

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