I don't have close friends

76% Normal
21 Comments

Basically my problem is that I don't have a close circle of friends. It's not that I'm extremely disliked. It's more the fact I'm not very liked. I have no trouble getting along with people at work and I'm friendly to clients and people at University. But for some reason, our little friendships never step outside the usual environments. About six months ago I tried to go on a friend shopping spree. I decided to give everybody I got along with a chance to be my friend. I invited them to my 21st birthday party, dinners at my house and just regular things like shopping, movies etc. A couple of good things came out of it, but I never made any friends who wanted to regularly catch up after that. Posts on facebook go ignored and text messages I send seem to disappear in thin air. I guess I'm becoming really tired of hearing people's excuses as to why they can't hang out with me, and I just don't understand! I'm a really fun person when I'm around someone easy going and happy. I don't hold extreme views about anything...I'm just a pretty normal girl.
Last week I asked someone I've known for a long time to choose a date next week for us to catch up for drinks at a place of her choice because I hadn't seen her in so long. She declined without a reason. Of course I'm starting to wonder if this situation I am in is normal. I feel like a freak for only having a boyfriend to spend all my time with. Even my mum is starting to realise I haven't socialised with anyone else lately. I spend my days off alone, studying and drawing and sometimes go a whole day without speaking to anyone. I'm at a point now where I'm finding it hard to be happy without a close group of friends. Is this normal?

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76% Normal
Based on 807 votes (615 yes)
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Comments ( 21 )
  • dappled
    13 years ago

    I was in a similar situation once and couldn't see a way out of it. In the end, I didn't find my own way out of it. I just grew older, changed, and tried less to stage-manage friendships. I sat back and let friendships come to me. That comes with its own problems, of course, as you find all sorts of hideous people want to spend time with you. But there's a small subset of them who have become friends for life.

    I understand you are not happy how you are, but things happen in time. Having a partner is a good way to socialise too as you meet people in couples.

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    • andiedee
      13 years ago

      Thanks for the advice. I can only hope time will be on my side!

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  • [Old Memory]
    13 years ago

    i had a time like that. it was hard getting friends and stuff and everyone was like whatever. But then i just kinda became lazy(so to speak) i started to do nothing just go to school do my homwork and stuff. then like after a week of that crap every god damm dude asked me to go to places with them. i hated these guys that asked me i really did, so i said no. after a while a guy that i liked(not gay) just came and sat next to me and said sup. and we had alot of same intrest. i started to hang with him and later on we became best friends and weirdly enough the girls started to really like me. wich is weird becuse back then i was like a grenade, i think i was a 5/10. now im like 17 i got a gf hot one to she is a 8 :). and im just a 6. point is just do what feels right and by time u will get friends close friends.

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  • abz95
    7 years ago

    Im in your situation right now, I have acquaintances but I do not have friends which are close to me or friends which I speak to every now and then. My situation is different I come from a poverty area where majority of the youth like my age are either in gangs or do not have an education. I used to have close friends but they ended up becoming horrendous, their lifestyle did not suit me so I left them. Now I spend time with acquaintances which I met through university once a month and I usually spend time at home which has made me overweight and worthless.

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  • kristys_mail
    7 years ago

    Yeah it's normal for me. I have no close friends right now. I still have people that were once close friends on Facebook but distance and kids pretty much killed our close friendship. About the only people who invite me out anymore are guys who want to date me.

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  • unlikedgirl
    7 years ago

    I'm kinda in the same situation except somewhat worse. All of these other people commenting at least have a gf/bf but I don't have a friend or a boyfriend. Sure i have casual friends that if i see in the hall i say hi too but i don't have any friends that if you would visit my Instagram you would see a bunch of pictures of. and I've learned that if i want friends then i have to get the ball rolling because i used to not care and wasn't "out there" but then i started to get really lonely and even when i do put myself out there, they still don't like me. i really don''t understand it. i always feel super lonely and even my team i spend 24 hours a week with doesn't like me. they never invite me to anything and always start rumors about me behind my back. I just really want some friends that'll invite me over on the weekends and want to hang out with me and vise versa. I sick of people giving me lame ass excuses all the time about why they "cant" hang out and then a couple hours later i look on snapchat and see that theyre hanging out with someone else last minute.
    Please help with some advice!!!

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    • unlikedgirl
      7 years ago

      also, if i say anything like this to my mom shell say "well just try to make those casual friends your good friends" but ive tried soooooooooo many times!! it just sucks. so anyway, please answer me question above

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      • andiedee
        7 years ago

        Hi unlikedgirl, thanks for your comment. It's been about 5 years since I posted my complaint about my lack of friends so my perspective on the matter has improved. I have had many friends come and go, but I am grateful for these experiences because they taught me many valuable lessons about friendship. Firstly, it sounds like you are a bit younger than I am (I'm now 27). If you are in a school environment, I understand how hard it can be to make friends when those around you have pigeon-holed you as freak or someone not worth spending time with. How are you going to relate to anyone when you feel they're against you? These social decisions are very hard to deal with when you feel you haven't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment. While you may not have done anything to directly turn people away from you, you need to look at your perspective on this. Trying to work out what people think of you is often a waste of time because it's always changing and you shouldn't compromise yourself to appeal to the expectations of others. So try to remain natural and confident in your approach to friendship. Secondlly, it can be hard to make friends with people who already have a close set of friends. It's hard to penetrate that circle. As a social rule, I find very friendly people have a tendency to be very clicky and don't take to newcomers in their groups. Unless you develop a close friendship with one person who can bring you into the group, it may be hard for you to be accepted. I can only say that things do get better as you mature because that school yard mentality towards friendship eventually fades. I know it's not helpful to you now, but it's important you remember that you will most likely meet a lot of people in your lifetime through work and leisure activities etc. Understand your passions and concentrate on developing yourself throughout these crucial years because when you are in your mid to late 20s, you will find people value those who have a strong sense of identity and integrity because they're qualities that matter and come with maturity. We stop counting friends and appreciate quality over quantity. As for the things you can do now, I recommend you branch out to find friends who have similar interests to you because the commonality will create a valuable bond. In the meantime, commit yourself to being easy to talk to and good listener. It's something a lot of people look for in a friend. It's easy to warm to people who are kind, attentive and easy to be around. Through a lot of self analysis, I found fear to be the main cause of my problem. It got in the way of friendships because I retreated in fear of being judged and excluded. I was also too agreeable because I feared rejection and that gave off the impression I was trying too hard. I eventually found the best way to gain friends was by demonstrating a strong sense of self awareness and having the ability to assert my opinions and beliefs. Once you understand that making friends depends on your mental image of the process, you will adjust your expectations and attitude towards it. Remember that you are your harshest critic and the biggest obstacle in your quest to make friends. Work on eliminating any negative perceptions you have about your personality and concentrate on what you have to offer as a friend to improve your self image. Often we have irrational fears about ourselves in a social context because we want to avoid rejection. If there is a tangible flaw about you, work on fixing it. For example, if you hold a lot of anger towards others, start looking at why and how you can improve yourself. I hope this is helpful to your situation.

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        • unlikedgirl
          7 years ago

          Thanks for the advice! I understand that my perception on things will change as I grow older and more mature but, It would still be nice to have friends to hang out with. I've also been pretty depressed lately because I've been really sick these past couple of months. I missed out on prom and so much more. Anyway, thank you for taking your time to answer my concerns.

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  • platinum
    9 years ago

    I have been in a similar situation to yours and it's not that you aren't normal, it's that you're looking in the wrong places. I feel like I am looking in the wrong places. Also, you may not be completely yourself. If I was completely myself, I think I would be attracting better friends. I have only met one person in my life where she brought out the best in me and I felt like I had a real best friend. Now we don't even text but I hope we can soon.

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  • DragonQueen
    10 years ago

    You don't need Friends. Just a good man. and a couple of young, muscular, caramel lovers on the side.

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  • Miamaid
    10 years ago

    Hi. I m 38 and going through the same. Always wondering why I don ve friends. I have many friends on Facebook too but no one I can really call friends.
    I m nice , kind as far I know. I m always organizing get together, like to bring people together. But in return I don even get invited. Am I doing something wrong? Just hurt my feeling when I find out everybody I know was invited to a party of a friend I think but I m not! I must be doing something wrong. A friend told me, she doesn't want to go out with me cos I don drink. Give her guilty feeling:-(. I m much giving person until I find out, I m just a back up friend, then I go cold. I don wish to do it but it just happen. A friend of my mine again I say friend, just left to go back to her country. I tried to organized a farewell for her. But she said she didn't want to but just spend time with my family. Sound sweet right? Then I found out she is having a farewell party but we weren't on the list or was but her friend took us out; too many people. And I thought I was her best friend. Eat at my home, took her out when ever we go out. I told her how I felt but the response was I M not the only friend. Sorry about my English. Anyway I found out people in my surround have different group of friends. I on the other side like to bring people together but I m always alone :-( help pls.

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    • andiedee
      10 years ago

      It sounds like you're having a tough time like I did. Actually recently I changed my attitude. I did make a best friend and he betrayed me. It made me realise I was too trusting and I reassessed my need for close friends and I am wary about who i trust. Now I socialise with lots of different people and I don't expect too much to come from it. I have an old group of school friends who i suppose would be my closest friends by default, yet i felt, and still do, that they are not he closest kind of friend i would like but I'm grateful that they are somewhat available. I stopped caring about the issue and it seemed to alleviate the stress i was feeling. It's ironic really that we must pretend we don't want something in order to get it. Originally I believed it to be sociopathic behaviour...why not just be a friendly, outgoing, pleasant person? But relationships are more complex than this. They are mirrors of our individuality and believe it or not, ideals like kindness and empathy are not the crucial foundations to building new friendships. These are qualities which prove themselves in the relationship throughout time. In a nutshell I'm
      Suggesting you stop worrying about it and stop creating the opportunities to see people and see what happens. People will come to you if they are your true friends because you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

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      • Miamaid
        10 years ago

        Thank you,you r right. I m happy to find this blog. I thought this thing was happening to me alone. That's what I do now. Take it as it come. My husband said I ve nothing to change about myself. He love me and fell in love with this very person :-). It just hard cos I really like people. Thank you

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        • andiedee
          10 years ago

          I know what u mean. You're very lucky to have a husband who is your best friend. Sometimes I wish I had 4-6 best friends who were all best friends with each other too but it's actually really hard to achieve this! It relies on a big group of people functioning together which doesn't always work. That helped me not to take the matter too personally too. Also, I think I can be difficult to approach. I'm not a very Smiley warm person to strangers but once I get to know someone I am much different. I'm just working on appreciating what I've got. Glad the blog has helped you.

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  • KaffeInjection
    11 years ago

    Stop thinking about it. Think twice, stop thinking about it. I got like 2 "Close Friends"... Do i need a circle of fake friends to follow & share stupid jokes with everyday?.. Nope.

    Even though it almost seems as if people over the year 2012 has been very inviting, almost trying to sneak me into their little circle of "Friends". No thanks, down by the river all alone thanks.

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  • meinthisworld
    12 years ago

    Wow. I really feel better if I read that other people have the same thing as me. Before this I felt pretty lonesome as I never had a close group of friends before. I wish I had like 1 or 2 girlfriends to hang out with, talk about girl stuff but I just haven't met people that I can really trust. I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. I know a lot of people just like posted here, and also I look hot! Im a nice person and easy to go along with. You know, sometimes I even think that people might feel unworthy or not good enough when they're around me. Because I have everything else perfectly going on.
    But I just dont know how to let the other person know that I am the person they can trust and that I will never judge the other. I also think there is a kind of aura I'm sending out, so that people dont feel comfertable with me? Thats why they dont deliberately seek me to hang out i guess.
    Or maybe it the fact that Im not meeting new people lately? Im so lonely sometimes:(

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  • chloeann
    13 years ago

    hi, your story is exactly the same as mine! im a normal person, average looking, friendly and always nice to people, yet i have no close friends, why? i dont know.
    I work with 300 people, have 280 friends on facebook (that i do know, not just randoms) yet no real friends, no one to call for a chat, socialise with or go shopping or out for a coffee. sometimes i get invited to work social things, but i tend to feel like an outsider, im 32 and have never had real friends, but looking at the people i know and their friendships they just seem to use each other, going out together one week then bitching about each other the next, yet still friends, and to be honest id rather be on my own than have friendships like that, so thats what i do now, i use them the way the use me, if i wanna go out i'll tag along!
    its not ideal, i would like to have a close friend but its the way it is so i just try and be happy on my own, atleast you can do what you want when you want without pleasing any one else

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    • screwface69er
      12 years ago

      Preach

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    • andiedee
      13 years ago

      Yeah I have about 250 friends on facebook and I socialise with people from work who all end up bitching about each other in the end. I suppose what I suffer from is a jealousy of figures like the friendships of those portrayed in sex and the city and....Friends...hah! Well I can't say that I want that exact style of relationship and I understand it's all staged. But heaps of people have a close-knit group of friends like that and I'm just starting to worry I don't have people to rely on like that. Perhaps what I need to do is just reconnect with a few people and see how that goes

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      • chloeann
        13 years ago

        im not relly in a possition to give you advice! but if you really want friends i suppose you have to put the work in, people arent gonna comme knocking at you door, altho i would be careful not to set yourself up for a fall, try not to read too much into 'friendships' take it for what it is, people can have a habit of using other people and letting you down. i dont want to be used and discarded anymore, so i keep my feelings to my self and keep 'friends' as a means to end.

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