I don't feel like i belong here
I kept this to myself for years.
I'm 21 years old
I'll start with saying I have no grudges or hatred towards my family, infact I am incredibly grateful for everything they have done for me. That doesn't change the fact that I've never felt like I belong. When I say I don't feel like I belong I don't mean it in a way that's saying I just don't fit in. I'm quite good at becoming friends with people and I easily interact and understand, but I've always felt like I'm just playing the part, I'm fitting in.
I find myself to enjoy fantasy, a world where society doesn't control everything. The only question I come to with it is if that's that kind of world I feel like I belong or if it's just like this world and its still me just being my normal spectator self.
While most people would rather experience something other then seeing someone else experience it, I couldn't care less. My entire life I have felt more like a spectator then a part of this world. I can't find a way to motivate myself to try, watching seems okay. I don't know how to explain it, I feel disconnected.
Take the idea of life for example. I can understand it and have experienced it once. When someone dies that you care about its hard. I had that when my grandpa passed away, but other than that the idea of caring for life is odd to me. I've had many other people that were quite close to me pass away but it didn't really effect me. Don't get me wrong I don't believe in hurting others. We all die though, so isn't it something we should be ready for? I could die tomorrow and that's okay. Even though I have felt it before I can't understand why death would make you sad. My grandpa passing was hard for me because he was the only person I was truly open with. I no longer have him around so these questions leave me confused.
In general I would say I've never understood myself at all. I have never understood my emotions and at many times I don't feel like there's any emotion at all.
The way I think and look at things just seems too different from the way I've always seen in this world. I know this went all over the place but I don't really know how to word it. All in all is it normal for me to be like this?