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I have been married 35 years...I had an affair that ended 5 years ago....now why more than ever is my wife rehashing stuff that I let go of along time ago...And why is she being the bitch I never knew. To teach me a lesson or to drive me out or is she just going crazy???? and me with her...Is she trying to punish me
Sounds like built up resentment. Knowing that your husband, who you put all of your trust in, created a life with, believed in, looked up to, etc..broke all those sacred things so important in a relationship is a really hard thing to deal with. *especially* because you are married. You may be forgetting that she's the one who has to deal with consenquences. You didn't lose anything. She lost her trust and other important things in you. It depends on the kind of person she is to determine how long she would get over the affair, but calling her a bitch, accusing her of "punishing you" etc is not going to help. You don't have the right to even judge how she is feeling, no matter how many years later. Maybe there are warning signs she noticed before when you were cheating? And maybe she is just still suffering from it. I mean, she probably has to secretly just hope and pray that you wont go a-straying again and that can cause some tension. You guys should talk. Hear her side, tell her how you're feeling..maybe go to a counselor? 35 years is a long time to be married, and it seems like she wants to make it work so bad. Because I know I probably would have been gone in a second, once I found out about the affair.
yes i really think if she could have she would have....she felt very trapped...no where to go and when this was all going on ,i knew it...what a jerk i was...
thats the most constructive thing i have heard but she is stubborn german irish
You cheated Dude. You can't cheat and then say "I will never cheat again" and suddenly not be a cheater. You built the situation.
just cos u let go of it doesn't mean she did... she clearly still has a firm grip on you balls and will take any excuse to have a good squeeze to remind you of the fack you f**ked up
count yourself lucky that she is still with you
One question i would like to ask. Why did you cheat? I mean, understading the underlying issues as to why you cheated maybe we can try to formulate or construct an idea as to why she keeps hanging on to it? Yes cheating is awful in any level and it is unforgivable for some people. But why did you do it? Something motivated you to do it so please do not respond with a 'i dont know'. There is motivation for every action and your outcome results are the consequences.
I think he cheated because he wanted her to break up with him. He might not realize this, it could be subconscious, but he doesn't seem happy with the fact that she hasn't left him.
i think after the kids growing up she would treat me as before...maybe close. but no she just let me work all the time... I was unhappy and felt betrayed myself..I was lonely in my own house..started drinking and this covered it...for years..then I me her a breath of fresh air with only me in her life. it went from there...
thanks now you know
I see. You do know that after birth the majority of women have postnatal depression and research has recently suggested that so do some men. Having children is a very big impact on couples, and i personally think that you guys did not have any 'communication' between you. After a few years couples adjust to each other and they forget that they have to work on the 'spark' it does not just magically happen.
If you guys had kept the relationship 'fresh' but fresh i mean doing the little things you use to do when you met, going on dates, once in a while, you know, recreating the old days here and there would have brought back those feelings and kept the spark fresh. I have only been with my bf for 2 years and that's not even remotely close to 35 years but every week i try and do something spontaneous, go for a walk at night with him, have like a 'movie' day saturdays or whenever we can.
Why don't you try and see if you can do something new, go for lunch, surprise her, buy her flowers, show her something more than just a 'hello' here and there. See if you can kick start something, maybe she is just waiting on you to do something. Even if she acts like she does not care push a little harder, you did cheat so she will always hurt but make her forget about that, do spontaneous things! you are never to old to do anything.
good luck xx
ok i get it I am the asshole..i know that...but honestly ...it is wearing on us both...how can i get her to trust me again...?
I'm Irish and I can tell you that she does not and will not ever trust you again. I'd say that your wife 'pretended' to forgive you for the past 5 years - thinking that if she didn't mention it, then she would forget. This hasn't happened, and maybe now that you're both nearing retirement or that your kids have left, she's dreading having to spend all her time with you. Apparently, one group of people where divorce is on the increase is among the recently retired.
How long did your affair last?
Did you tell your wife all the details or did she catch you out?
These questions matter as to how she's reacting at the moment.
I genuinely feel sorry for you :o( Everyone makes mistakes!
You need to give her some space (to lick her wounds) but when in her company try to be nice - even if she snarls a reply.
Did she let go of it a long time ago? She may have just been letting her feelings toward you get worse and worse, if it wasn't sorted out properly in the first place. The most important thing for you to remember is that the whole thing is your fault, because you had the affair. Maybe if you see it from that point of view, it will become clearer why she is behaving like that.