I cant feel anything. i'm not depressed or sad, i'm just so empty.
Hello. Today is one of those weird days so I'm looking for an answer. I feel empty. Like an empty container. I dont feel stressed, depressed, happy, sad, anything at all. I'm not angry or mad. All I can say after "I feel" is lost, maybe. I broke many people's heart too many times until now, just because I couldnt guess how they would react to my words. I lack emphaty. I never felt sorry for those children died at war, for poor people, for people who lost their loved ones. But I thought I should be, so I pretended to be.
I never cried for a movie. I never fell in love nor loved or missed someone so much. I dont know how love would feel like.
I feel physical feelings, though. I feel pain physically, not mentally. But never felt the need to touch someone like, hugging or kissing or anything.
I dont like talking to people. I always thought I didnt belong here. I mean, this universe, this world is too hollow for me. You know, being so away from home. Surrounded by strangers who dont know my language, places I dont know, everything I cant understand.
I get so confused, trying to understand people. When they try to talk to me (which is very rare) its like I traveled from another dimension. Like those aliens in movies, I try to fit in the crowd.
I'm currently a high school senior, 18 years old. I have literally no friend, my teachers and parents got worried about me being so quiet and antisocial many times so I had to get professional help a few times but when the psychologists ask me about my feelings, I couldnt say anything and it bothered me. So I stopped seeing them. I was diagnosed with social anxiety once but its not like I cant talk to people, I just prefer not to.
I like to be alone (not exactly alone but I'll talk about it later) all the time. Its like I'm introvert, an extreme one. I am an artist, I draw, paint and write. Because I think too much and cant keep my thoughts in so I feel the need to transfer them to somewhere.
Teachers no longer care when I draw in classes. My mom no longer complains about me locking myself down in my room, not seeing or talking to them the whole day.
To be honest, I havent been totally alone. I had that guy since I can remember, who never left me. He was in his twenties when I was 4 or 5, he still is. He used to stand next to my bed when I went to sleep. I was so scared to meet him then. Had nightmares and I wanted him to go away. My mom says that I used to scream and cry all the time, all the time. They took me to a doctor. The doctor asked me what he looked like, what he wore, what he said and she told me not to watch horror movies anymore.
I hated seeing the doctor, telling her about him each time. My mom started to sleep next to me and sometimes she would let me sleep in their bed. She told me that guy wasnt real.
I never told anyone about him again. When I started school at the age of 7, he was still with me. He would come to school with me but didnt talk much. He was like a spirit, as quiet as me and almost invisible. Actually, we were both invisible. Nobody seemed like noticing us nor talked to us. We were always alone.
I thought I had a friend when I was at 7th grade. She used to be kind to me, even if I was -in a bad way- different from the others. And I told her about him. She said "Dont tell this to anyone else or they'll think you're crazy."
I started to question his existence. I knew he existed, though, the question was if he existed in our world, or in my head.
And now here I am, 18 years old and still got no answer to that question. I feel like there's something very wrong with me. But I dont know what. Do I really not belong here or am I mental? Is it just that I have low eq? What should I do to be normal, acceptable for society? And since I have bad experiences with psychiatres, I dont wanna get help from doctors.
P.S. : I consider myself pretty successful in school. I study at one of the top high schools in my country and I want to study biochemistry in MIT. I have high SAT and AP scores.
Thank you.