I can't stand my step daughter and it's ruining my life

why dont you just let her run away never to be found? its a win win situation.

I agree with Ollieo. Speaking from personal experience, having been a step-child and a step-mother, RUN FOR THE HILLS. You will only grow to despise this step-child even more as time wears on. I will NEVER AGAIN engage in a relationship with a man who has kids. Never.

Really - you were wrong to hit and don't need it rubbed in your nose - but demand that they all go get family counseling. You have a toddler on your hands, an angry & acting out step daughter, and a husband with no backbone. And you are getting the short changed here. Who chips into the household & supports you?

Sorry to say, and I could be wrong, but I think this husband and step daughter are really giving you the short end of the stick.

Me and my step-mum sometimes don't get on... And can understand how your step-daughter is feeling. When I was 8 and my step-mum moved in I left mess around all the time. She took me aside and politely asked me to pick it up. Since that say I always did. I'm 18 now, and recently got kicked out if the house because of "tension" between her and myself (although hand on heart i did nothing, she was actually the reason)

Annnyyways...that's not my point. It's hard for stepmums and stepdaughters to get on because there is almost competition between them both.
I now stay out of my step mums way (there's nothing wrong with her, but it's best that way because we are polar opposites)

Try calmly talking to your stepdaughter, she sounds a bit out of order, but her behaviour is due to her feeling left out and pushed away, let her know she is very much part of the family and perhaps ask for her help with looking after your toddler?
I remember when I was eight I made myself unwell just to get attention from dad, simply because I thought I was being shunned (I feel so ashamed of it now though)
I hope this was useful, if you want any help or to hear things from a "stepdaughters" perspective, feel free to ask :)
Sorry about the length of this comment

military or boarding school

i really think all three of you should go to councling. its very understandable why your so upset and how yu can get so angry. the rest of the world is babying her and she is taking full advantage of it. i would ignore when she argues with you dont get into it dont walk away just ignore. do you have rules? as in if your not home by 10 your grounded type deal? think of somthing she really adores like a cell phone,computer time ect, when she doesnt do what is asked take awy a privlage be firm dont argue,dont yell or scream be calm and firm if you ask something of her expect her to do it dont harp. like say she leaves am ess or makup or clothes say "please pick up your mess" give her 10 minutes if she isnt busy (make sure she isnt busy with homework or somthing important) if she doesnt do it or flat out refuses tell her "if you dont clean up your mess withing the next 15 minutes im throwing away what ever you left out" if its her stuff if its yours you say "youll never get to use it again" if she refuses dont ask her again just do what you said you were ging to do. always mean what you say and dont argue she is trying to push your buttons if seh knows she cant she will stop,when she knows your serious on your threats she will start doing what you ask but always be fare and always be respectful of her privacy and what she is doing. like if seh made am ess and is watching her favorite tv show let her finish it or clean up during a commercial. i say this becuase my sister harps on her son while he is in the middle of somthing important to him and ruins it for him becuase she doesnt respect his feelings.

It's perfectly normal to dislike someone who acts like a complete brat.

Understandable.

But you CANNOT hit her, or you really could go to jail. You have to be the adult and not stoop to a adolescent level.

Family counselling may be in order...

i agree with Ollieo i think you three should go to family counseling. What the husband is doing is really really wrong, he need's to step up and let that daughter know that you are his wife and she has to respect you if she wants to or not. But at the same time your not a kid u need to step up and put your foot down and let your hubby know that he has to be your backbone.

Im a guy and i feel disrespected , i really feel like someone need's to put that little girl in her place. at the age of 13 her little butt need to be going to school coming home doing homework and cleaning up. and for her to sit there and talk to you like that is total dicrespect. I really think u need to sit down with your husband and see whats going on with him, dont ask him to sit down and have a talk with you , make him.

Tell him we need to talk "no if but's about it". and u need to put your foot down and let him know how u feel, the things that u posted here u need to tell him. Let him know that u cant deal with this anymore and his daughter needs to have respect for you and learn to listen and if she cant disciplinary actions would be taken.

Your the person who take's care of her when the dad is at work and thats the way it is...

I do think it's wrong to hit a child. Honestly, violence will never get you anywhere. I think there are other ways to deal with things besides getting violent. Have you tried going to a family therapist?

She needs love. Think about your relationship with your dad and how you might have felt if some lady came in with you were a kid, replaced your Mom, had a baby with your dad, and left you wondering you cared about you.

The defiant, annoying behavior is a shell, she is probably very sensitive and hurt on the inside, but doesn't know how to express her feelings or with whom to share them.

You are the adult. Take the high road by being nice to her, even if you don't want to be. If you can show her that you are open and willing to be her friend, she will be confused and persist being defiant, but continue on the high road. She is young, so it will take time for her to realize your efforts.

I get depressed when my husband’s kids are due to come for the weekend even though it’s once a fortnight it’s his eldest the younger one is fine & actually very sweet. The nightmare one is 12 I’ve been with her dad eight years so most of her life but she’s horrible & he never parents her. She’s deviant, vile to her younger sister very cruel with no repercussions he just doesn’t act. She recently asked when all this will be over? All what? Having to come here it’s stupid you should’ve come home by now. Her mother is in a long term relationship. I feign not feeling well & sick of sitting in our bedroom waiting for the time to pass the moment they arrive I’m counting the hours till they go home. I really tried at first I tried for years but I just can’t anymore. I’m self employed but work via a website which pays me weekly but I can’t bear her to be able to enjoy herself so purposely don’t earn as much so she won’t benefit in any way from me. She’s promiscuous at 12! I’m sorry I ever helped sort out my husband & his ex going through family mediation services so he could get access as his ex at the time wasn’t allowing him to see his kids even though she dumped him but was furious he’d met someone else (18 months later) So I’m stuck hiding away with 24 more hours to go. She’s demanding & sends her younger sister in to do her bidding ‘Xxxx says she’ll have her lunch in 20 minuet’ or ‘xxxxx wants her pudding now’ even her grandmother isn’t a fan & her grandma’s partner won’t have her in the house because she steals nor will her auntie because she’s awful to her twins. Another thing is that there’s major doubts over her paternity she has olive skin similar to a guy his ex cheated with looks nothing like her mum or my husband unlike the youngest who is his doppelgänger in every way. I have to tolerate this insidious usurper who’s looking more like this other bloke by the day! We are paying his ex maintenance for her too, I’ve often thought of getting a secret dna test done using her hair. The sound of her voice makes me shudder & to think I’ve got at least another six years until she turns 18 even then we’ll no doubt be stuck with her as she’s not very bright at school regularly in detention for non submission of homework & rude behaviour. I have a son he gives her a very wide berth as he says she’s trouble he has a lot of time for the younger one though. T minus 24 hours to go.

I relate to this so much. My step-daughter just turned 18 but is in her senior year of high school. She moved in with her father and I when she was 3. She is very much an attention seeker. It doesn't matter what attention she gets as long as she gets something. She is a liar, she is rude, she is disrespectful, she has an excuse for anything and everything...constantly, and she is extremely lazy. I really have barely pulled through these last few years with her but have done so in hopes that she would pass the stage she is in and it would get better. Plus I really love my husband and now she will be graduating in 8 months and if I have made it this far then what is 8 more months? I really just cant stand her. I am very independent. I step up when something is my fault, I don't lie and I try to take responsibility. I am also pretty black and white. This is one of our problems. I am not going to tell you what you want to hear and it be a lie. My husband is very quick to pass the buck....when she wants something or needs something he sends her to me and tells me that I will get mad if he answers wrong, which is not true because I really don't care anymore and haven't for a while. I feel she is not trustworthy and I don't believe much that comes out of her mouth because of this sometimes my instincts are to say she shouldn't do certain things because I have raised her and I don't want her to get in trouble or get hurt but then I get the worst attitude and disrespect. I just want to be out of the mix, I don't like the drama or the attitude. This is something that I figured would be gone by now since she is 18 but she is very immature. I get yelled at by my husband in front of her if I come home and walk past her because I guess I should have greeted her with a wet kiss. He will ask me "what's your problem now with her?" I believe that's where the majority of my resentment comes in....being scolded all the time over her which then makes me mad even seeing her face. Another problem is her real mom talks a lot to her on the phone and causes drama that's unnecessary. Is it terrible of me to wish May would hurry up and get here so she can go on to college and move out??

Worst mistake of my life. Agreeing to have my husbands 5 year old daughter come live with us. Especially when my son was just born! The amount of sot down talks I've had with her over the same things over and over was exhausting while caring for a newborn! Complete nightmare from the beginning! A person cannot understand something they haven't experienced! I myself never knew that children can be so defiant, deceitful, vindictive, disrespectful, antagonizing, manipulative and if it's not your own child it begins to get 10 times harder to handle for a long period of time! Although I never hit my stepdaughter, I've certainly thought about it on several occasions after 7 years of the constant having to pull her through life. Ive been a loving mom, looked out for her best interest everyday for 7 years now. I've tried given her the love of a real mom w/ lots of hugs kisses & talks in between. She was clearly troubled when she came to us at age 5 because her behaviors were noticed from the get go! It's been a long road, many days/nights of arguing with my husband about her. From age 5-12 now, no growth or even a speck of positive behavior what so ever. She continues to compulsively lie, she's vindictive to her little brother, she tells her nanny (grandmother) that's she's always in trouble but never says why and that we are mean to her when clearly that is untrue. She admitting to stealing which started at 4 when she stole from me, she's stolen from stores and her nannys home. She starting masterbating under covers and never cared there were other people on the room at age 7! She would come down stairs from her room with rosey red cheeks like she ran a marathon and she smelled like well let's just say if a woman doesn't wash down there, there's an order and it's not a good one! Had to take her to wash her hands constantly. She's sexually molested a family member in a closet (at age 8) she makes her little brother cry and gets this devilish smile, she isn't phased by any tragedy that she has witnessed our family go through right before her eyes. She seems to have no heart or care in the world except for what she can do or say to get something she wants. She won't shower, brush her teeth, brush her hair, change her clothes including underwear and socks for days on end. The list goes on and on. Some may say that's normal for a kid but no. We stayed on her asking her to do these things everyday for the past 7 years and she still won't! That's not normal. In fact I think most of this is not normal! She smells like body odor because she won't use deodorant, her breath Is beyond bearable, greasy straggly hair from not washing and she doesn't care in the least bit. I'm grossed out to have to touch things behind her like the sink handle, fridge door, anything she has touched before me. She walks around like nothing is wrong all the time even though she's been trouble and her dad and arguing about her. She "specifically "does most everything" we ask her to do on a regular basis. The answer she gives as to why she does that is always "I don't know". Ive tried everything from grounding, putting in room, put on step, standing in corner, taken Xbox, taken phone, no tv, even had her write 100-300 times on paper over and over what she will not do again. These things were all consistently tried and nothing makes her change one bit! Spoke to counselor at school and seeked other professional help for her but I ran out of fuel again. This is insane!

I came here in the hopes of finding some genuine advice about the complete hell I've been through with my stepchild. She's been a nightmare from the beginning! A person cannot understand something they haven't experienced! I myself never knew that children can be so defiant, deceitful, vindictive, disrespectful, antagonizing, manipulative and if it's not your own child it begins to get 10 times harder to handle for a long period of time! Ive been there for her throughout the entire ordeal. Ive been a loving mom, looked out for her best interest everyday for 7 years now. I've given her the love of a real mom w/ lots of hugs kisses & talks in between. She was clearly troubled when she came to us at age because her evil behaviors were noticed from the get go! It's been a long road, many days/nights of arguing with my husband about her. From age 5-12 now, no growth or even a speck of positive behavior what so ever. She continues to compulsively lie, she's vindictive, shes stolen, she's sexually molested a family member (at age 8) she makes her little brother cry and smiles, she isn't phased by any tragedy that she has witnessed our family go through right before her eyes. She has no heart or care in the world except for what she can do or say to get something. She won't shower, brush her teeth, brush her hair, change her clothes including underwear and socks for days on end. She smells like body odor,her breath stinks, greasy hair and doesn't even care. She walks around like nothing is wrong at all times. She specifically "does most everything" we ask her not to do on a regular basis. The answer she gives as to why she does that is always "I don't know". Ive tried everything from grounding, putting in room, put on step, standing in corner, taken Xbox, taken phone, no tv, even had her write 100-300 times on paper over and over what she will not do again. These things were all consistently tried and nothing makes her change one bit! Spoke to counselor at school and seeked other professional help for her but I ran out of fuel again with it all and I just don't want to spend another second of my life around her. I know that sounds horrible but now I'm faced with, leave my husband or face it that this will be life for me.

I know exactly how you feel! my husband has two daughters and one i get along great and the other one( who is 19) i can not stand. She is selfish, rude, very hard to get along with,she has been this way since she was 3 yrs old. She is only nice whenever she wants something from her father.( He doesnt see this and it bothers me so much) We do not speak at all because we both dont like each other and i really want to say something to my husband about her immature behavior but i always feel he will protect her no matter what so there is no sense in saying anything. It truly ruins my life as well because sometimes its all i think about. The fact we dont communicate puts a great deal of stress on me. I cannot stand to be in the same room with her! i honestly dont want to feel this way but i do. its hard

take her to a counselor and see why she's acting like this. she could have some kind of oppositional defiant disorder or something like that.

i have two teenage stepdaughters and they can be hateful and mean but most of the time its because their mom isnt around and does nothing for them. i've been around sincce they were 4 and 5 and they were traumatized because their mother just left and didn't want them anymore. it's hard to explain maybe she will come around if not take your kid and go back home

Did you go into this relationship with your eyes completely closed?

You definitely can't slap the chick. Teenagers, especially girls, can be really bad. But you have to be the adult. Also, you say she treats you like a maid - how? What can she do that you don't allow? Certainly it is not your job to pick up after her.

But look at it from her point of you. She might be bad; but it could also feel like to her a woman is intruding on her life and worst someone whos not even her mother who slaps her and yells at her for leavin messes around. The dad doesnt want to be mean to is daughter. It doesnt seem like a healty situation and i doubt you want to spend the rest of your life this way.

And i quote ("we get in fights they get really heated and I slap her. (My husband and her both say that it's child abuse and that I could go to jail") that's not true when your disciplining your child , u can hit , smack on the lips or pulling out the belt. But make sure your doing it for disciplinary actions only , and not because you get heated and cant get your point across.

Make sure u dont take it to far and just start going crazy on the girl, im a youth development counselor and im in college so u can take m word for it. But at the same time the how far does the rabbit hole go.If that dont work, I can sit here and talk about 1000 reasons why some kid's do that.

Like, she might think your taking her mom place and she cant accept that, lack of attention , sometimes kids fight and disrespect because it makes them feel alive i can sit here all day, but first do what i told u and the first post and if all fails then take the little girl to counseling

You take your baby and hide in your room?? How do you think she feels when you do that? You're selfish, and you don't sound like a very capable mother.

Look I'm her age and if my mother was no longer lving with us or even died I would probaly act the same way! I don't blame you forgetting frustrated but have ever tried to be nice to her or maybe not consider slapping her she might find home a place where she can enjoy! also you might want to consider that she's only acting this way to get u the hell away from her life.