I am the phantom

Yes. As I stand here before you today, I acknowlege I am the Phantom sh*tter that has plagued my office for the past 2 months. Yes, I know this idea is from Flight of the Intruder.

I just need to come clean.

It was me who took the upper-decker in stall 2 of the womens bathroom

It was me who shat in the upper right hand drawer of the VPs desk

That horrid smell in the copy room? You guessed it. I took down a ceiling tile, crapped, and put it back up.

The cute new intern? It's my fault she left. She left her purse in her cube overnight. Yep, I got it.

The anal retentive accounting woman? You know her, she nitpicks every expense you have. Well to make you all feel better, last week, at 1am on a weeknight, I removed the cover from her computer, sh*t, and then reassembled. i have no doubt that was the cause of the 4 hours of closed door meetings the next day.

Shall I continue?
Yes.

The office managers coffee cup. I apologize for this one because I had Taco Bell. It was more of anal piss than crap, but nonetheless, the boss had to go toStarbucks the next morning.

The turd in the trunk of the office "luxury ford taurus?" Mine also.

oh, and that wasnt dog crap sitting in a nice pile on the sidewalk leadin g to the main entrance. Come on, when was the last time you saw a 250 lb dog?

How about the fudge in the freezer of the fridge. It has been in there for 6 weeks. I pity the fool who removes the plastic cover.

I take secret pleasure in the terror I cause. I try to keep my activities intentionally random. Three days in a row here, then a 2 week hiatus. You never know when I will strike. Our office is a bg target. The sh*tting will continue until I get that friggin raise I was promised 6 months ago. Good luck, the next round will be worse, and I've started drinking Metamucil.

Love,
THE PHANTOM