I am not genuine. i can't empathize, apologize, or sympathize.

I feel- or do not feel- pretty much the same in most of your descriptions. I think this can stem a lot from a rather universal outlook on life... that makes someone probably in many cases a less "selfish" person than average.

My point: there are lots of people that only think about themselves and talk about themselves... now if you run into someone like this, you know it's pointless to ever try and talk to them about anything as their huge egos block out any other light. A more detached person, however, will often get tons of feedback, sob stories, etc. I've often wondered why I've met many people who will tell their sob stories and felt somehow responsible, and "guilty" for not really caring- truth is many will speak to anyone who'll listen.

the important thing is that you have the will to do the right thing... not having an urge to cry over someone else's problems is extremely normal, in fact probably as real or true as most can be. Anyways, FYI, I found your story encouraging in the sense that it made me realize that I'm not the only one who has that sensability.. etc.

I tell lies myself and most of the time it's to avoid hurting anyone's feelings or it's just to be polite. Lying is good fun, most of my lies aren't detected, and they sound pleasant. Usually when I tell lies it's just to say things that aren't true, and people believe me. Please don't shoot me for talking about myself, I'm only trying to help this lady.

I feel like this, too, and I think I may have figured out why.

It's a defense mechanism. You are burying your feelings because they're overwhelming. I'm the kind of person who will start crying out of nowhere over things like how the human brain developed the capacity for written language. That kind of stuff just fills me with incredible awe.

But, as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. The downside to being able to feel that kind of abstraction with that much gravity is that things like guilt and love, the immediate, impactful emotions, are just too much and we tend to repress them rather than try to process them. I would cease to exist if the man I love left me, but there are times when I can't even bring myself to tell him I love him back, and I've said it to him first maybe once in all the time we've been together.

My dad was the same way, and I don't know if that makes it nature or nurture, but whatever it is, I've gotten used to it. I know what I'm like and I'm able to explain myself to the people around me. Some people can't accept it, but most can.

But yeah, I know how you feel about saying thank you or sorry. It's not that I don't feel the feeling accompanying the words. It's that I feel like the person I'm saying them to is going to think I'm being fake because I'm uncomfortable trying to express it.

But if it's important, I'll usually lead into it by saying I'm bad at saying things like that and I'm probably not going to do it right. I find that the person I'm speaking to tends to fill in the social content that I'm unable to provide.

My mom says it might be Asberger's Syndrome (which is a mild form of autism). I've asked psychologists and stuff about that, and I haven't gotten a real firm answer from any of them. No harm in doing the research, and you may find out something about yourself that makes everything clear.

That you're like this is, in my opinion, normal enough. The part that worries me is that you're upset by it. That's never good. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

Thanks for writing this. I've been trying to figure out something similar. I've always been a loner, but lately I've had chances to make friends practically thrown in my face. The problem is, I've been feeling like I'm missing something most people have: the urge to make friends, genuine interest in people, warm feelings towards people they care about. That sort of thing. It made it look kind of pointless for me to make friends at all, since they'd no doubt be approaching it from a perspective of genuine interest and affection, and what would I have to offer them in return? The implication that I feel the same way when I don't? A smile I don't really feel? All I'd be giving them is a mask with nothing under it.
However, lately I've realized I made the situation seem too polarizing. Maybe most people don't feel as affectionate as they make themselves look. And I'm not as emotionless as I make myself sound (even to myself). So the situation isn't as dire as I painted it. But I still can't feel things as strongly as I'd like to.
I'm theorizing that my existential outlook is to blame. Basically, my train of thought sank into: Nothing lasts => Nothing matters => There's no reason to work hard or feel things so strongly. And I've been trying to dig myself out of there, tried to be more motivated, all the while not bothering to figure out why I feel that way or whether I really want to feel any differently. It seems like I'm pretty attached to my existential outlook so I'll have to figure out how to overcome it.
Can you relate?

even though this was written five years ago, i would like to say i appreciate your story, i feel as though throughout all of my searches of the internet this best sums up my situation. i have had difficulty with emotions for several years now, and it has made becoming intimate with people all but an impossibility. the only person i have been able to say "i love you" too is my mother, and to her it is more of a subtle way of saying "you never cease to fail me when i am in need" a close friend of mine recently confessed their love for me, and all i could think of was that all i could possibly do is hurt them, i do like them but i don't seem to be able to love them, and i fear that no matter what i do i will end up completely destroying them.

There's nothing wrong with you.
If you are being as true to yourself as you can, you are genuine.
There are varying degrees of "feeling".
Empathy comes from life experience.
Example= If a friend looses a pet, you see how they would/could feel sad. If you have also lost a pet, the empathy you feel for your friend greatly increases. OR You loose your best friend in a car accident. A year later on the news you see a story about a fatal accident.....you're going to have a stronger internal reaction then most people watching the news and you will feel sympathy for the families of the victim.
Bottom line= normal......just give it time

I agree with most of this, but I like to lie ;)

Withthat being said, how do I know I'm not lying right now?

no, you're a freaking sociopath.

i feel the same way! my advice is to try and fake it sometimes, even if you feel insincere. it makes people feel better and trust me, most of them won't even know it's fake. i don't like to be fake but sometimes, it's better to be. as long as your intentions are good (:

Reading this made me confused as it sounds just like me! I have also associated it with a certain intellectual/social elevation.

I don't really see it as a problem that needs to change, but it does make me at times feel isolated, or not very sincere. I find that I can not relate to people and their motives, they seem so odd or trivial. I only hate that I am obligated to pretend to care.

I would recommend reading some of Ayn Rand's philosophy literature, because her view of the self has helped me a lot with this problem.
This part especially sounded like the issue I have been dealing with:

"I don't think I HAVE sympathy, or empathy. At least, not often. Usually when I do its for very abstract things or reasons. Or even for what are considered morally wrong. I have always been described as a very understanding and able-to-see-the-big-picture sort of person.
I find myself often making up long, eloquent and intelligent things to say, but they're not always truthful, but even if they were, I can't say them. I stumble and gargle them out like what I say is the "after" side of a in-sing garbage disposal"

You say you can see the big picture, does that mean you often see things in shades of morally gray? I think the problem may be that you have distanced yourself from others and from society through excessive intellectual deconstruction, seeing things mechanically, not being able to experience the emotions/intentions of others or yourself as genuine and straightforward. It's considered a personality disorder. If it really bothers you and you think it's wrong there is harmless therapy for it, otherwise in time it will settle in and you will become this way for good.

Oh.. you speak my mind =/

And I even have troubles with my family about this .. I don't know but it even seems awkward to show my love to my family or friends in words.. it seems so odd and cheesy!

But since I started going to uni. and meeting new people.. They keep saying they love me and they are so active and sympathetic at the same time.. Unlike me! .. But, I try to go with the flow and sometimes i FAKE it.. but, it all goes all well.. the most important thing that matter is that I don't hurt anyone.. And not showing much affection can also hurt.. (I broke up cos both of us ..me n my ex had the same problem of expressing feelings and it just made me doubt that he even loved me.. well he doubted it too =[ ..till now I dont know if he really did lol)

So just speak your mind whenever you have a chance.. It's a matter of practice..

You do have these feelings and emotional capabilities, its just you are really inhibited, or so it seems. And you are interested in personal development.

There are workshops on interpersonal development that you can look at - its just a skill like anything else. Experience is also a big teacher.

Again, its not so much that you don't want to - you feel badly that you can't quite express yourself as well as you would like to. Thats a skill.

But your values are there. And after all - "People come to me with problems ALL THE TIME..." - well they wouldn't if you were incapable of empathy, sympathy and being genuine.

So while you may not be as far along in these attributes as you would like, other people recognize them. That says that maybe you are also being a bit hard on yourself.

I feel that way. I guess. I feel like I don't want to be fake.

try faking it maybe