I am damaged good

4 Comments

Hi,

I am 26 years old girl : never had boyfriends, never dated never went to a party, never did anything bad actually not even smoking or even saying curse words. I work with disabled children.

I felt extremely lonely and sad to not have anybody with me while all the girls around already had babies etc… I thought it was because i wasn’t attractive (which is not the case but i didn't realize it), people thought i was strange because i was never with a boyfriend so i started to become self concious about that, they treated me like a freak.

So i made the biggest mistake of my life : my sister told me told me to go with one of her friend who just broke up with his girlfriend of 8 years (which was not very nice from her) she lied to me telling me he loved me etc… and me out of desperation i believed her. i never went to a date and was lost.

And i basically sold myself to him before even he showed a sign of wanting to be with me i was so desperate i tried all the bad ways to impress HIM (i feel so bad) i didn’t know how to be with him as i didn't have any experience with men and it never happened to me. I tried to read on internet what to do and that was a BIG mistake !! i dressed slutty, i even sent nudes pics i talked about sex i even invented past relationships i never had because i was afraid he will mock my inexperience. And believe me or not i even forced him to take my virginity in his car (i want to kill myself) because i thought he will see i am a good girl since he then knew i was virgin(!) but interested in sex so promising him a good time if he marries me (i’m crying while writing), i was afraid he would think i am frigid. He took it and dumped me the next day.

I feel so bad i didn't want him to think i was inexperience i was afraid he would laugh at me, so i wanted to act as if i was experimented to not feel ashamed of my virginity.

Now he said about it to everybody in the city even my family, everybody laugh at me i walk with shame and want to kill myself everyday

I wasn’t aware of my very good reputation before i thought everybody mocked my inexperience, but then they said why did you do that ? you could have married anybody ! now they just think i am a whore it makes me suicidal.
I even quit my job because of shame.

How to recover from that and make them see that i am not like that and will i find a husband even if he knows that ? NOBODY respect me even my own family and talk very bad in a harsh tone to me.
I am bullied badly I don't know how to face my bullies and how to face him.

I don't understand why a lot of girls did far worse with far more people but people think it's worse for me than for them :(

i can't forgive myself and cry everyday.

i deeply regret and feel i don't deserve to have any man in the future, i feel worthless. I am scared if i find a husband he will think i am trash and not marry me.

On all the forums men say they feel disgusted by girls like me and want virgins, that they will always see me as damaged good, dirty and only good for pump and dump, that i am not pure and innocent it makes me suicidal as i have always dreamed about having only one man in my life and now the only man who maybe will be interested in me will have pity for me and never see me as good as a virgin no matter how good wife i become to him.

Help me please.

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Comments ( 4 )
  • Ray-BanRaven
    6 years ago

    Jeez. U have to forgive urself. U need to love urself. The world is cruel as u already know. The right man will love u anyway. If the ppl around u are that horrible u might consider changing location. Stop looking for a man and be happy with urself if u can. What happened is not ur fault. He took advantage and did a shitty thing to u. U will find love, because u sound like a good girl. I'm sorry this happened to u. Stay strong and keep trucking.

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  • RoseIsabella
    6 years ago

    You don't live in the West, do you?

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    • mariamartinez
      6 years ago

      yes I live in Europe

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  • Boojum
    6 years ago

    Sorry to say, I really doubt anyone here can help you. Not because you're a bad person or even because you made some mistakes, but because you appear to live in totally fucked up country full of fucked up people. (India? Pakistan? Somewhere in Africa?)

    The sort of social pressures and prejudices you describe were common in the USA and Europe up until the 1950s, but they started to die in the 1960s. In civilized parts of the world, it has now been a very long time since a non-virgin was considered "damaged goods" by anyone other than idiots who believe in one of the more screwed-up brands of religion. Although young women in the West have to deal with many pressures these days, very few men expect to marry a woman with no sexual experience. Only a total religious nut would demand this of a potential spouse.

    Of course, the other fucked up thing about societies such as the one you describe is that men generally aren't too concerned about being virgins at marriage, and normally they aren't too worried about being faithful after they're married. I think this is due to the men in such societies being very insecure about their masculinity and sexual abilities. If a wife has never known another man, she won't know that her husband is useless at sex.

    Having said all that, certain aspects of your story make me suspect you are one of those fucked-up men living in a backwards, sexually-repressed, and generally fucked-up country, and you get some sort of thrill out of a fantasy about a "good girl" gone "bad". If that is the case, you might consider joining us in the twenty-first Century sometime.

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