I’m terrified and just want everyone to love me

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10 Comments

I’m extremely needy and anxious.
I lock all the doors and windows at night to the house and turn off all the lights because im afraid someone will kill me if they know I’m here. I have my parents and dogs here, but that still doesn’t comfort me. They can’t fight a psychotic rapist with a gun. So I act like a scared bunny and hide from everyone.

I just wish people were nice and wouldn’t want to hurt other people all the time, that way I wouldn’t have to be so scared.
I love to be cuddled and I have a special pillow I sleep with every night. I wish I had a person to sleep with, but I can’t even do that with my parents all the time because I end up getting afraid of them. There are times I’m so scared that I curl up on the floor and cower when they yell at me. It feels like they want to beat me to death and I’m terrified that they will if I push them too far.

In public I can feel everyone’s hostility and it makes me scared and angry. In school a boy bumped into me once and I jumped and growled at him and almost bit him.

My mother took me to a clinic and they scanned my brain and said I have high functioning autism and PTSD. I’m glad that I know what’s wrong with me, but knowing it isn’t helping me.
I’m still scared though and I feel like at any second everything could be destroyed and someone could beat me to death.

I just want to be held and cuddled like a little animal, but sometimes I’m too scared to even be touched. It feels wonderful to be hugged but it’ll mean nothing if they just leave me one day or decide to kill me.

Being online scares me sometimes too because people don’t like my views and have bullied me and given me death threats before. I’m scared that some might actually be serious and that they’re watching me right now as I lay helplessly on my back in bed.

Im scared and just want to curl up in a bed of pillows in a burrow under ground and never come out.

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Based on 14 votes (7 yes)
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Comments ( 10 )
  • nikkiclaire
    6 years ago

    Having PTSD might be the cause depending on what you have it for. I suffer major episodes of depression from it though, not fear. Mine was related to abuse, both physical and mental.

    I don't typically get afraid of humans because well, they are human and it's pretty easy to see their weaknesses.

    Are you in therapy for this?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      6 years ago

      I was also abused. I don’t remember details though, but it was physical and sexual from all the evidence I’ve gathered and how I feel. It’s frustrating because I wish I could remember clearly, but I also don’t want to.
      People are weak but their still strong enough to kill me.
      I’m not in therapy currently but mom is trying to get me into someone. I am on meds though.

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      • RoseIsabella
        6 years ago

        Who abused you?

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      • nikkiclaire
        6 years ago

        Well I really hope you are able to work on it. It pains me to know someone is living in fear like that. Hang in there.

        I do group therapy and indiviual cbt. It really helps.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          6 years ago

          Yeah. I’m probably going to be in dbt or cbt soon. What’s it like? Do you like it?

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          • nikkiclaire
            6 years ago

            I do like it, quite a bit actually. It's different for everyone but it's about learning to recognize thoughts as they come up, and dealing with them more appropriately, so that they don't control your life.

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  • JellyBeanBandit
    6 years ago

    Sorry about all those assholes you've met online though. Try to realise that they're completely spineless and wouldn't dare bully you in real life since then they'd have people fighting them back. Don't worry about their "death threats" either, online death threats are meaningless. No one's really going to risk destroying their own life to kill someone they've never even met just because they disagreed with them about something online.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      6 years ago

      Okay. I hope not.

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  • JellyBeanBandit
    6 years ago

    When you're a teenager you're much more prone to getting really paranoid about other students. I used to be convinced that whenever anyone laughed when I was nearby they were laughing at me. But years later I realised that they were just hanging out with their friends innocently laughing at a joke one of them said or something. I used to think everytime one of them looked at me they were glaring. But years later I realised that those "glares" was just them briefly looking at me since I was passing by, there was nothing at all malicious about it.

    There are many more nice people out there than you realise. It might not seem that way in school since everyone in school tries to put up this front of apathy to look like a bunch of tough guys, but don't worry about that, they're just being idiots.

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  • Nickvey
    6 years ago

    if most people were not good people , you would already be dead.

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