I’m feeling suicidal
Right off the bat I’m admitting that I’m feeling kinda suicidal. I don’t think it’d be easy to do as I don’t have East access to means of killing myself, but sometimes I wonder why I continue living. And it’s for a couple of reasons, and I’ll elaborate.
I feel like my expectations are too high. I keep thinking I’ll create this amazing stories that will become pop culture phenomenons, but I can’t help but feel I’m getting my hopes up too high. Even if I did succeed, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared enough for that kind of attention. But what’s really bugging me about this is that, I’ve done some REALLY embarrassing things, and while anonymous I’ve talked about them online and I feel like I ruined my chances of ever being taken seriously.
But I’m really scared that I’ll just become a nobody, someone who is just another cog in the machine, brainwashed into doing the same things over and over again and thinking I’m free. But then I worry that if I do my own thing, I won’t be good enough and I should just quit.
And don’t even get me started on driving. I’ve talked about it plenty, but everything seems to support my opinion that humans do not deserve such machinery, as we’ve fucked things up with it so much. Whoever invented the car is my worst enemy.
But my biggest issue is on what even happens when we die. The evidence seems to OVERWHELMINGLY support there being no afterlife, which is fucking terrifying! But even if there is an afterlife, most of them sound pretty terrible, and I don’t know if I could handle existing forever.
But I often think about how humans will become extinct and how the earth will be swallowed by the sun, and how we’re all just heading into non existence and the universe will forget us. I have my issues with religion but I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE ATHEISM TO THE VERY CORE!
It seems like no matter what, I always seem to find a downside, and it just seems so much easier to just end it all before it even begins. I wish I didn’t have the mind I do, and instead had some condition where I stayed a child forever, so at least I’d have an excuse for not being able to do the things that I can’t. A motivator I have is to continue living so I can create the things I want, but if they end up failing I feel like I should take my life because at this point I really have nothing else to live for.