How would you handle this?

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16 Comments

I could really use some advice. I'll try to keep my post short in the interest of people reading it, but i can provide more details in the comment section if necessary.

So...I'm wondering how to handle this. I strongly dislike my brother's girlfriend. He's gotten quite serious with her. I don't think she's a horrible person, she's just incredibly stupid and irresponsible, and since he's gotten together with her, he's made some huge life choices that I think are...fucking stupid, to put it bluntly.

He's an adult. I respect his decisions, and will always make an effort to include and welcome people that are important to him. I only want him to be happy. As of yet, I've not said a thing. I don't want to alienate him or make his girlfriend feel unaccepted.

Having said that, I can't stand him being with her and making a bunch of hasty, BAD decisions because it. I have no idea how to handle the situation, and I feel bad for my strong negativity towards his relationship. Part of me thinks I should mind my own business, but that's hard to do when you see a loved one making crazy choices. is it normal that I'm not sure how to deal with this?

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95% Normal
Based on 19 votes (18 yes)
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Comments ( 16 )
  • howaminotmyself
    8 years ago

    I once kept quiet about a relationship i knew was doomed. 10 years later they got a divorce and my friend was mad that I didn't tell her sooner.

    With that said, talk to him. Find out what he sees in her. He may find the stupidity quirky and cute. Love is blind. As long as you are kind to her and respectful of his choices, I see no harm in voicing your concerns. But maybe leave out the fucking stupid part.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      Thanks for the advice, howie. I always appreciate your input.

      I'm honestly a little nervous about talking to him. He knows me well, and I think he's sensed my disapproval and we've been talking a lot less as a result. I don't want to further alienate him or anything.

      If he does end up with her, I don't want him to think that I dislike her or don't welcome her to the family. I really do care for my brother, and I want him to be happy.

      It's just kinda a shitty, awkward situation.

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      • Ellenna
        8 years ago

        Here I am again! You need to decide whether your nervousness about approaching him is more important than your concern for him: I reckon the answer is obvious, don't you?

        It's not just about who he ends up with and I think it would be counter-productive to say anything at all about his girlfriend, focus on him and your relationship with him and your concern for him

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        • CountessDouche
          8 years ago

          Thank you. That's good advice. I should probably just be honest with him and not mention his girlfriend.

          I appreciate your input. I was kinda going crazy worrying about what to do.

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  • IMissMary
    8 years ago

    Its his life to F-Up so let him.

    Focus on your life instead.

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  • thegypsysailor
    8 years ago

    Honestly? Nothing you say is going to do anything but create a rift between you two. You are just going to have to sit there and watch this fiasco, and be there to help him if he comes to you asking.
    Sorry, it certainly is a no win situation for you.

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  • Ellenna
    8 years ago

    I have four words for you: Mind Your Own Business.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      8 years ago

      That's exactly what I am doing. Did you read the post?

      I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear. I'm not asking for advice on how to change my brother's mind, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with it...as in how to handle it emotionally, watching someone I care about make huge mistakes...how to not resent his girlfriend and make her feel welcomed...how to talk to him without him picking up on the fact that I feel as if I don't approve of certain things, even though I have no right to an opinion.

      I'm sure you would feel the same way if a family member decided to make a life choice that you strongly, strongly disagreed with (like joining a fundamentalist church or a neo nazi group, etc). Emotionally speaking, its hard to sit back and watch it happen.

      Sure, you would let them make their own choices, but how would you deal with your feelings about it?

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      • Ellenna
        8 years ago

        OK, sorry that my response was abrupt, but telling yourself that his girlfriend's influence on him is none of your business and that you can do nothing about it may help you to accept the situation.

        I don't see what's wrong with letting him know your opinions, which you DO have a right to, as long as it's not couched in terms of his girlfriend being responsible for his choices. There's surely nothing stopping you from asking him why he's making these choices and that you're concerned about them and their possible consequences?

        I hope the nazis and the fund church were only examples: it might help you receive better advice if you were more specific about what these choices are that you're so concerned about.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          8 years ago

          Thank you Ellena. I was trying to keep my post kinda short in the interest of having it read, but I can give you the details- sorry for the length of my response ahead of time!

          The nazis and the fundies were an extreme example, just to illustrate where I'm coming from...in terms of being scared about the course of his life.

          What he's doing doesn't sound bad on paper...in fact it seems awesome, but they haven't thought things out.

          Anywho, he had a successful career, quit his job in a really bad way for very strange reasons (he suffers from bipolar disorder). He was planning on spending some time abroad in NZ for a year to find his way, but now he's decided to move into a hut without walls or electricity or plumbing in a commune.

          I'm not against that lifestyle, but he has no way of supporting himself. He decided to juice vegetables and sell juice at the farmer's market (???) without a business license, or any safe food protocols.
          I've juiced, and I know it takes a shit load of veggies to make 1 glass of juice, and they aren't on a property large enough to make decent money doing that.

          I'm fairly certain they just want to grow marijuana and sell it under the table, which is fine, but it is illegal here (US).

          His girlfriend has a 4 year old child. She was born in a bathtub and has no birth certificate, no medical care, no vaccinations, no social security number, and it looks like she'll get no education. I was just told by my mom that they plan to home school her, which is fine, but the girlfriend is really really stupid (I know that sounds bad. She's a nice person, but she's just not very smart).

          I want to talk to him about things, but he knows me really well, and although I haven't said anything, he can sense that I don't approve, and he already has distanced himself and barely talks to me : (

          I'm really worried about him. I just want him to be happy, and I want things to work out, but I'm scared that he's making crazy choices and I don't know what to do.

          I'm really sorry for the long read. Thank you so much for your advice.

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          • Ellenna
            8 years ago

            PS: Is there by any chance a guru involved in this commune? That would make it even harder to watch, I reckon, but again, you can't do anything about it except reassure him you care about him and are worried about his choices

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          • Ellenna
            8 years ago

            Don't apologise for giving all the details. I can see why you're worried about him, but I don't see what you can do about it, to be honest. If the commune he's moving to is a well-organised supportive one it could be a good place for him to be, but I've seen too many people "escape" to communes, going back to the 70's, and often it doesn't turn out to be an escape at all but a descent into utter poverty and chaos. On the other hand, there are some communes or intentional communities which are well-organised and supportive: do you know much about the one they're planning on joining?

            Trying to persuade someone that the beautiful dream they're chasing is impractical or even dangerous will almost certainly get you a response of being "negative" when in fact it sounds as if you have a very realistic view of what he's intending to do. You're right about the juicing, let alone selling it without safe preparation protocols, and if they are planning on growing cannabis to sell they don't sound street smart enough to get away with it for long.
            At the very least, you could just tell him calmly that you're worried about what he's planning to do and that you're still his brother and will be there if he needs you later on (assuming that's true).

            I'm sorry to say but you can't do anything about the girlfriend's daughter either: reporting her situation to child protection would be very drastic because she'd probably be taken away & put in foster care or an institution, which is a totally shit solution & I wouldn't recommend it. That crap about not vaccinating kids really gets up my nose and I do sometimes get into arguments with anti-vaxxers, although they've gone a bit quiet in Australia recently because of measles outbreaks which have put some kids in hospital and it's only a matter of time before there are infant and child deaths because of these fuckwits.

            What do your parents think of his plan? And is he in a manic phase of bi-polar, in which case it's worrying what will happen when he crashes.

            I'm sorry, but I can only suggest you continue supporting him as your brother while making it clear you're worried about his plans. Good luck, wish I'd had a brother as supportive as you seem to be!

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            • CountessDouche
              8 years ago

              I'll just come out here as the OP, I really appreciate you taking the time to read everything I wrote and give your advice. I try to do the same on here sometimes, but I'm not to great at it. It means a lot to me, so thanks.

              Anyways, my brother has been up and down a million times. It's been incredibly stressful at times. He's done some insane things, like robbing a store and crashing his car into a tree on purpose (I'm not sure if it was a suicide attempt or an attempt to escape the consequences of some criminal activities by making my family members worry). He's done some fairly crappy, but not epic things to me- taking my car and leaving me at a nascar race without any money or ID or anything, and he suffers from an eating disorder.

              I guess I just worry about him, and what he's doing now seems like an impulsive decision, but I don't know how to talk to him. He just does the classic mental disorder thing and cuts off anyone who questions him.

              In the past, he's talked to me about stuff because I'm the one person who keeps it a secret and doesn't judge him. The moment I made him feel like I was a little skeptical, I was just cut off. I haven't talked to him in ages, and I'm in the process of moving to Australia, so I feel like I won't see him before I go.

              It's very sad for me.

              I'm also completely against people not vaccinating. It puts other children at risk. In this situation, I think it was just negligence, and not any misinformed ideology. I wouldn't call social services. As of now, the child is happy and healthy, and the foster care system here often results in children being placed into abusive homes. That would be a last resort.

              I don't know anything about his commune farm. I just found out through other family members. He barely even talks to me anymore because I think he can tell that I disapprove of stuff. I'm really trying not to give him that impression!

              I'm about to move to the other side of the world, and I'm worried about my brother. I don't even think he'll be there to say goodbye, and it sucks. Bleh- I don't even know how to deal with the situation. I really don't want to give my opinion where it's unwanted or step on anyone's toes or make anyone feel like I don't respect their choices, but I'm worried. : (

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