How would you feel about someone not making eye contact?

36 Comments

Context: I’m autistic and nearly never make eye contact, when I do it’s fleeting and usually with family, but it’s still rare. Doesn’t occur to me to do it, it isn’t a natural instinct. It feels awkward, I hate being watched and stared at so I don’t get why people want me to stare at their eyes, how are they NOT uncomfortable? I see it as somewhat aggressive; many animals stare each other down to make the other submit. Trying to force myself is mentally painful and distracts me from the conversation because I have to focus and judge if I’m looking for too long or too intently (I’m always wrong). There’s like no point in eye contact, you can still communicate effectively without it. I can listen better if I’m looking in another direction, but people seem to think I go deaf anytime I’m not staring at them.

So, does it bother you if somebody isn’t making eye contact or do you not notice? Why do you assume we don’t hear as well if we’re not looking into your eyes?

Feel relieved because you don’t like eye contact either 9
Feel a bit weirded out but give them the benefit of the doubt 8
Be offended and maybe ask them about it 1
Curiously wonder why 4
You wouldn’t mind either way 10
Feel hurt but not mention it 0
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Comments ( 36 )
  • Tommythecaty
    3 years ago

    I’m not autistic and nearly never make eye contact unless I’m pissed off.

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  • someone0noone
    3 years ago

    Let's see... I typically make only fleeting eye contact with someone when I'm talking with them to check their facial expression and see how they're reacting. Especially if I'm having trouble trying to determine from just their tone of voice. Social anxiety means I'm constantly paranoid they could be mad/upset/annoyed at me for some reason and I won't know what I did wrong (due to experience).

    I do feel super weird about people holding eye contact with me (it's uncomfortable, like how people say staring is rude... so why is this supposed to be good?). So even if I want to be looking at someone, I look somewhere a few inches off from their eyes and don't stare anywhere too long.

    I think the "social norm" should just be to at least vaguely face the person you're talking to, and don't be looking at something else with more interest. Isn't that a good minimum?

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  • ItsTheSquidMan
    3 years ago

    I look at people I'm comfortable with when I talk to them like friends or family, but if I'm talking to a doctor or someone I don't know well I usually avoid eye contact because it makes me feel uncomfortable to be staring at someone like that.

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  • [Old Memory]
    3 years ago

    Eye contact used to make me uncomfortable too

    But the thing about it, you actually get a lot more out of a conversation by looking at someone's eyes, and their face and body posture.

    There's a lot of subtext at play and if you get better with reading it and doing it, you start to communicate on a level beyond mere words

    I mean you'll still live if you don't bother, but morally/ethically/philosophically/spiritually speaking you'll just be a bump on a log processing information and rationalizing responses to those stimuli like an insect, reptile, machine

    A purely autonomous biological being with no external connections

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    • mouldiwarp
      3 years ago

      In my case, I don't get anything out of eye contact when it does happen, so there isn't much point in it for me. Autism heavily affects my ability to read people's body language and inflection. I make use of cognitive empathy, context, and logical reasoning when I need to decipher a person's intentions.

      I do a tad better at recognizing facial cues from actors on tv and much better with animated characters because their emotions are more distinct; they're often clearly defined, a little exaggerated sometimes, less ambiguous. It allows me to deeply connect with my favorite cartoon characters. Animals tend to be easy for me to read as well because each species has their own very consistent expressions and behaviors.

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      • [Old Memory]
        3 years ago

        The reason you're not getting anything out of it is because you only do it in small glances rarely when talking to people you live with.

        It's like literally everything else in life, you can't expect to integrate something with minimum effort.

        People try to lose weight all the time, some complain within the first few times of exercising that it's not helping or working, but they don't realize the reason they're having a hard time is the same reason they decided to start exercising; they're out of shape

        I don't think this was intentional, but your entire comment seemed to be agreeing with what I said. It might work for you to operate like that, but I truly think there will come a time when you'll be faced with a situation that will be bad for you because of your lack of experience, unless you plan to have a caregiver for life.

        But even then it must be so unfulfilling each and every day to, what was for me, cowering in fear just for being in the presence of another human being.

        You'll also have people who can recognize your averting eyes as an exploitable weakness, and have fun with you at your expense.

        Unless I'm wrong and you have enough money to live an isolated life with servants to venture the world for you

        Edit

        The reason people want to have eye contact with you is to have a deeper connection. I know it's hard when you're fresh, but you can feel love in eye contact, you can see how someone thinks.

        Yes, animals use eye contact aggressively and yes, humans are animals, but are you really claiming to have the same level of consciousness as an animal? Some can be smart, emotionally and logically, but a cat opening a door by herself doesn't realize the point of the door is to keep wildlife and intruders out.

        I think you should consider *why* it's hard for you to have contact instead of focusing on how eye contact makes you feel. Nothing will change if you validate your insecurities and vilify cognitive development. It might also be worth mentioning that years of treating your family like strangers might lead them to ask themselves what's the point.

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        • mouldiwarp
          3 years ago

          You misunderstand, it isn't like I never see another person's eyes; as I said, I watch the eyes of actors on tv, I've done this regularly for years, and to this day, I still struggle with detecting emotions and with misreading them. And by "rare", currently I probably make eye contact with each person I live with like once or twice per day (I live with 5 others). That's quite an improvement to how I was a few years back; I've come a long way since I first realized what exactly my problem was, it isn't like I have never tried to adapt and grow my understanding of others, I know there are people who may take advantage of my social incompetence. But, I don't see why I should have to change myself completely and abandon my natural functioning just because my brain is different from a neurotypical's. It's exhausting and stressful having to wear a 'mask' constantly to please people who aren't accepting of you, it makes you feel as though you are slowly losing yourself. You're coming from the viewpoint of a non-autistic and an outsider; my family, friends, and others I routinely interact with understand my mannerisms.

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          • [Old Memory]
            3 years ago

            I actually am coming at it with perspective of someone diagnosed autistic, I hinted at it above with the cowering in fear sentence. If I said that face to face, I would have looked at you a certain way which would have made you think about it and hopefully realize what I was really saying. If you refused to look at me, and I would have gotten in your field of view, then you would have denied yourself a thought provoking moment. It's harder to read subtext online, so fair's fair on this one.

            It's easy to see it on tv where they want you to correlate things certain ways, they benefit heavily from people watching their show. I use tv to study social interactions, it's not wrong in the least but it's not the apex of learning social skills.

            The true skill lies in using it in your day to day. It's not a mask, it's using your knowledge to your advantage. You're still you, but that bubbling hollow feeling in your chest doesn't have to erupt every time you're uncomfortable (do you get that feeling?) The movie Dogma comes to mind, the end scene with Alan Rickman saying "you're still you, you just absorbed a new piece of information and changed your outlook but you're still you"

            In psychology, they call things like mental retardation and possibly autism as well "developmentally delayed" because the psyche of that person has basically frozen. So if when they stopped developing they would naturally yell at someone for touching them, they would likely keep that habit for life.

            Now I'm not trying to change you at all, I just want to have a little discourse and see how the conversation goes. Based on what you've written, you seem like a younger me, so there's my interest in commenting.

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            • mouldiwarp
              3 years ago

              Again, you’re repeating a very neurotypical interpretation. I hate the implication that autistics are just a neurotypical ‘trapped’ in an autistic ‘shell’ or that came out ‘wrong’, it’s extremely ableist, dismissive, and discrediting. 1 in 59 people are autistic, probably more because tons of autistics, especially women, go undiagnosed, that’s a shitload of people like us, our existence can’t be just some sort of glitch. Our traits may prove to be disabilities in a world designed to cater towards only/primarily the interests of neurotypicals, but we’re not delayed or disordered just because we’re the minority. In fact, the brains of autistics actually develop more rapidly than neurotypicals’ and often finish developing while the autistic person is in their early teens to early twenties at most, compared to a neurotypicals 25-30 yrs old range to reach maturity. You make it seem like we perpetually have the mind of an infant.

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  • Mammal-lover
    3 years ago

    If we're talking my eyes are glued to yours. I just hear better and retain it that way. I've noticed most dont return eye contact

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    • someone0noone
      3 years ago

      do you prefer if they do? or is it just enough for you to be looking at them?

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      • Mammal-lover
        3 years ago

        I prefer it but its enough just for me. Idk why but if I'm not making eye contact I cant retain much of what was said

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  • Iszzy123
    3 years ago

    We’re not animals

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    • mouldiwarp
      3 years ago

      Technically yes we are but I understand what you mean, that we're more intelligent. But we still have instincts. I know that people aren't always trying to be aggressive with eye contact, but no matter what that's how my mind interprets it because it's so intense, unbroken, and pressuring for me.

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      • Iszzy123
        3 years ago

        How do you feel when you look at your own reflection

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        • mouldiwarp
          3 years ago

          I'm okay with that

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  • ThatOneGuyYouNeverWantToMeet
    3 years ago

    Don't like it, feels wrong.
    Only tend to do it when mad or in a fight/match.

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  • FromTheSouthWeirdMan
    3 years ago

    Im the same way with eye contact. I dont make eye contact much unless I'm mad.

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  • ellnell
    3 years ago

    I am also autistic and I don't like eye contact. Most people say I have good eye contact though but it takes a lot of energy for me, and distracts me too. I think that most people are okay with not having eye contact all the time and don't think much of it. The exception would be if you were having a very serious conversation, then it could seem rude to look at other things, like you aren't listening. It's just a social "rule". Not much to do about it. You could just explain to people in your life that you aren't comfortable with it.

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  • RoseIsabella
    3 years ago

    My feelings about not giving good eye contact aren't reflected in the multiple choice options.

    My cat, and I stare into each other's eyes for extended periods of time, and then we do the slow blink.

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    • [Old Memory]
      3 years ago

      I like to do that too! I like human psychology, so I learned a little cat psychology too and my landlords have a cat I can finally interact with (only some times though)

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      • RoseIsabella
        3 years ago

        My cat was literally just sitting on my chest giving me the slow blink, for about 15, or 20 minutes. Now he's on my lap acting like he's about to fall asleep.

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    • mouldiwarp
      3 years ago

      That's like the only time I make real eye contact too

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      • RoseIsabella
        3 years ago

        I try to make eye contact most of the time. Of course if someone is creepy, or annoying I prefer not to look them in a eye.

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  • LloydAsher
    3 years ago

    I put offended, By offended I would be actually feel more disrespected. Adults hold conversations with eye contact so you know that they can hear you.

    People who are autistic depends on how severe the autism is. I would treat someone with mild autism as mostly the same. Someone with severe autism I wouldnt apply the same social expectations to them simply because it's far above their comprehension.

    Since you clearly understand it's a social norm I'm going to treat you like everyone else. Eye contact for humans isnt about aggression as much as just communication. Honestly if it was a problem I wouldnt care if I knew about it, but If i didnt know you had it I would feel disrespected.

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    • someone0noone
      3 years ago

      you know what? yeah. actually I'm not looking at you if I were talking to you because I don't care. I don't know you. You are indeed not important to me.

      "It's a social norm", but the poll results seem to suggest otherwise with about half the results saying they either don't care or don't like it. So maybe instead of feeling disrespected you should just assume it's one of the many people out there who don't like eye contact. Why do you need to know they're disabled?

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      • LloydAsher
        3 years ago

        Cause I assume everyone is average. Until they show otherwise I dont treat them any differently than I would a normal person. Eye contact is important for conversations, if someone was obviously mentally disabled I would correct my speech and social cues accordingly. Most people dont wear a IM DISABLED tshirt. So until I know they are disabled in the mental faculties department I go off of normal social cues.

        Eye contact isn't all about respect, but if someone isn't t making eye contact I'm going to assume they have a problem with me and I'm going to ask why. If its autism or another disorder of course I'm going to be accommodating! But I dont know shit until I notice or they tell me, I cant fucking read minds.

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        • someone0noone
          3 years ago

          what about if it's not a disorder and they just think staring is weird, for example if they're from a culture where minimal eye contact is more respectful and direct eye contact is confrontational? would you be fine if they said "I just never really think about eye contact"?

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          • LloydAsher
            3 years ago

            Someone from a different culture that lacks eye contact? Yeah I'm not going to run into that problem in my pop 10,000 town.

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