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How do I explain to my wife that wanting to watching her perform on another guy is not me being unhappy in our relationships.
We talk during sex and she gets all hot about it, but if I talk about it at any other time it is I'm not happy with "us" or it makes her feel awkward
Are you clear on why exactly _you_ want this to happen? (And "Because I've seen it in porn and I think it would be hot," doesn't count as a coherent reason.)
If you do understand precisely _why_ you think it would be hot and why you believe it wouldn't harm your relationship, you've expressed that clearly to your wife and she isn't sold on the idea, then there's not a lot you can do about it without being disrespectful and coercive.
If she stonewalls you whenever you bring the topic up and just won't discuss why she doesn't want to do it, then it's difficult to be certain what's going on.
You say she seems to find fantasising about this when you're having sex arousing. Maybe that's all acting, but it's possible that the reason she doesn't want to talk about it when her head is in a calmer place is because she then finds what she's done and said disturbing. Basically, there's a conflict between what she believes should be going on in her head and what's actually going on there.
Generally speaking, women are brought up to believe that "good girls" are faithful to their guy, and any woman who has sex outside her marriage is a slut. If a woman believes that, then her husband suggesting that she should have sex with another guy can make her wonder if he believes she's a whore. If she finds the idea arousing, that can make her question her own good girl credentials.
Many women also buy into the idea that if a guy really, truly loves a woman, he should want to keep her all to himself. Maybe, deep down, your wife believes the correct response for a guy who finds out that his wife has had sex with another guy is to go freaked-out caveman on her ass and the guy's. If a woman who believes that hears her husband say what you have, it would be understandable for her to wonder if he still loves her.
Some women also believe that if her husband wants her to have sex with another guy, he's tired of her and basically passing her on to someone else. They can be afraid that the guy is trying to set up grounds for divorce. They can be hurt by the idea that they alone aren't enough for their husband. And they can be afraid that what their husband is actually signalling is that he's secretly gay or bi, and he's trying to smuggle another guy into the relationship under false pretences.
Cuckolding is a minority kink, but there are plenty of websites where you can get food for thought, different perspectives and suggestions on how you might proceed.
Boojum may have some good points about the good girl thought process. I've found a couple girls that were anything goes up until you get into a serious relationship. The ex was great and she was up for anything and everything. Include sex in a public place, light to med bdsm, flashing/exhibitionism, I was the one more introverted based on her. However once we got married it drastically changed and even told me she didn't feel like she could be that way with a husband, So she found her way cheat and to do what she wanted numerous times and some not so timid stuff by the time we called it quits. We had tried talking, counseling, everything we could think of. Back to the point she loved fantasizing about things when we talked but made me feel like I was disgusting for mentioning a threesome or exhibition, she would state it is just a fantasy. Yet the whole time she was doing these things with boy friends. I've had other GFs basically say or do the same thing. They can't be a bad girl with the one they love. Sounds and feels like BS to me though. I always want to rock the one I'm with.