How important is sexual compatibility in the long term?

18 Comments

My fiance and I have been together for 7 years and we are getting married on August 18th this summer.

We adore each other and get along so well. Compared to some of my girlfriend's boyfriends and husbands, my fiance treats me like a queen. He still tells me daily that he loves me and thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.

But. He doesn't do it for me in bed. I don't have tons of experience myself, but he has even less, and the few other sexual relationships I've had were nothing like this. I've tried encouraging him to do the things that I like, but it's no use, he's just so bad at it. And he acts submissive all the time and we are not even role playing, that's just how he likes it. He basically refuses to do things differently. I don't think I even find him sexually attractive anymore and I haven't for a while.

It has been years since I've had hot sex and I don't know if I'm ready to give it up forever. I tolerate it now and I love everything else about our relationship and our future goals. I can't help but wonder if this is the sort of thing that leads people to divorce later on down the line.

What do you all think? Is this the sort of thing that will ruin my future marriage? Everything else is so sweet, except for this one thing.

I don't know. I don't have a lot of experience myself. 17
Sex is an important part of marriage - without sex it will fail. 37
Sex is important, but couples can be very happy without it. 30
It depends on the situation and I'll explain why... 10
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Comments ( 18 )
  • bananaface
    12 years ago

    If I were you I would tell him the way you feel, you'll regret it if you marry him with doubts like this. Maybe if he sees how concerned you are about it then he may consider going to see a sex therapist or whatever they're called...? Though, if you do decide to tell him, make sure that you don't bruise his ego:)

    Although sex isn't the most important thing, marriage is a serious commitment and you should really go into it 100% sure you want to. If you think it's bad now, I'm sure it'll only get worse, and you'll become frustrated.

    Hope this helped, I just think the best thing you can do when you're having doubts is communication!:)

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  • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress
    12 years ago

    you need to have this discussion BEFORE you get married.

    Be OPEN about what you want in bed. BOTH of you.

    You need to list of...
    - what you want
    - what you don't want but will try
    - what you won't ever want

    Be honest. Don't be cruel ... just honest and gentle.

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  • rin
    12 years ago

    Whip him a few times and make him do what you say. :)

    No but seriously when you try something new it could be awkward the first few times so I can understand why he wouldn't want to do anything new.

    Tell him that it's really bothering you. Just talk to him

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  • karmasAbich
    12 years ago

    From what it sounds like, it wouldn't be the best decision. Sex is very important. , myself, am not a very sexual person.. Im sexual when it comes to something I don't think most girls like. I like feet. There I said it. And well I feel I'm going to be alone forever because of it. sucks ass.. but anyways, if you don't find him sexually attractive, its not going to work. That's all your going to be thinking about. And when your horny, you have to really try hard just to make it tolerable.. it doesn't seem worth it to me.
    Sire your relationship is nice but it sounds more like a buddy-buddy kind of thing... More than an actual husband and wife thing. It just really doesn't seem as if it will work in my mind. But i don't know the real details. Maybe your into some kinky shit too. Which hell, not saying that's a bad thing. But it can complicate things for both of you. And from not hearing his side of the story, you may not get very accurate answers. Especially since a majority of people on this site are virgins or 14-21. Really meditate on this amd I'm sure you will find the droids your looking for. I mean amswers.

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  • sprite
    12 years ago

    I'm having a similar problem, except we are totally compatible when it happens properly. And that's where the problem lies, he has a very low sex drive and I don't. This leads to me getting very frustrated with never being able to make first moves, always having to wait till he is 'in the mood' and lets me know and honestly, anything will put him off.

    This means that full sex is very rare maybe once every couple of months, in between he may be willing to occasionally masturbate together or do something that takes very little effort. When he goes for it properly though it is so fantastic. We are getting married soon and I don't know how much importance I should place on this, I love him so much.

    So no real advice from me, just sympathy and understanding :/

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  • taciturn
    12 years ago

    It can only damage your relationship to the extent that it bothers you (or him). Clearly it does, and though you say you've been able to "tolerate" it, how realistic is it that you'll be able to do so for the rest of your life?

    Also, notice that I included the issue of HIS involvement. You should have a candid talk about this with him if you haven't already and try to find out whether there is some insecurity or anxiety at play, or if it's just a matter of mismatched sexual preferences.

    But whichever it is, I'd suggest you attend some sort of couples therapy. I don't see any benefit in sweeping this under the rug when it's clearly an issue for you.

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  • Ihadtomakeyetanotheraccountffs
    12 years ago

    Seems he is just unwilling to try anything different to make things better. Not good...

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  • joybird
    12 years ago

    My mom gave me this advice 23 years ago before I got married...

    Make sure you marry a man with no faults. If you can find even one before you get married, that single one will snowball and you will find dozens more.

    I'm sad to say that she was 100% right.
    Although, my hubby's fault was miniscule compared to this sexual issue.

    At some point in the future you are going to get sooo bored of this 'nice' guy you are going to want to break out for some wild rampant sex :o((

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    • equanimity
      12 years ago

      I think that's good advice Joybird. You always give good advice. :)

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      • joybird
        12 years ago

        Thank you. But obviousy the young naive romantics don't like to hear it. Trust me, that innocent love isn't too long fading :o(

        BTW I'm still married to a wonderful man but tiny faults turn the love down like a dimmer switch over the years :o(

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        • [Old Memory]
          12 years ago

          Marry a man with no faults??

          And you have no faults?

          What kind of advice is that?

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          • joybird
            12 years ago

            If you've loved him for a long time and he can do no wrong in YOUR eyes - then he has no faults!

            I have many flaws but my poor deluded husband can't see them. He thinks the sun shines out of me - although he often wonders where men find the idiotic domestic goddess type that does what she's told. One thing's for sure, they'll not find her in my house!

            It's a very personal ideal but - one man's meat is another man's poison.

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  • Allistalla
    11 years ago

    Well considering things will get stail after about 2 years proboly important .

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  • sure_thing
    12 years ago

    If he's submissive, can't you "force" him into doing what you like?

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  • ccjigsaw
    12 years ago

    This sort of sounds like a reverse role situation, but remember despite all the lame shit people say and stereo types, men are not alot different than women. This guy sounds particularily feminine, and a thing you might want to try is turn him on emotionally. Make him feel loved and special, then make love to him, not just sex. See if that raises his labido? If he's submissive try dominance too ;P But 1st make sure he's comfortable with it

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  • equanimity
    12 years ago

    It is very important that you are able to accept him the way that he is or don't marry him.

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  • Alison89
    12 years ago

    First of all, congratulations on getting married.

    How important is sex? That all depends on the two of you. And how does that quote go? Something about, "Sex is like money. It's only important if you don't have any."

    I think only you will be able to decide if it's worth it to get married to a man who doesn't do it for you. There are a lot of underlying questions that must be answered, especially can you commit to a relationship where you know the sex is bad and might not improve?

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  • [Old Memory]
    12 years ago

    Typical woman, even in her own words she admits that "everything else is so sweet" yet there has to be some thing that they complain about.

    How about just being happy that you have a guy who treats you like a "queen" instead of finding something, ANYTHING, to complain about? Would you rather he be cheating on you? Gambling your finances away?

    You sound like you enjoy being a closet whore for some reason. Cut the guy some slack and love him for the good person he is, or else let him find someone who will and then you can go back to your "hot" sex.

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