How does attraction work?

79% Normal

Do you date people you are initially attracted to or do you wait for an attraction to develop? I'm asking this because I want to figure out why I haven't had a relationship yet. I've been on two dates before. Neither guy I was attracted to. One guy did everything right. He shared my interest, he took my hiking (which I love), he was real cool and friendly and we had a great time together. I loved hanging out with him, but no attraction developed. I don't know why.

I've had attractions to guys. Granted it happens rarely, but I've felt the butterflies, the fast beating heart. I've had all that before, so I know I can feel attraction but it seems to be for 1 in every in 50 guys, and I don't know why. I can't even say what it is about those guys that make me attracted to them and not other guys. Half the time, I don't even know anything about them. There just seems to be an automatic spark, and I don't get why that is. Am I shallow? Am I doing something wrong? Am I supposed to just date and wait for the attraction to develop? Or am I supposed to only date guys that I'm already attracted to? Is anyone else like this? And is it normal?

I'm 23 years btw.

Voting Results

79% Normal

Based on 14 votes (11 yes)

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Comments ( 12 )

bucho's_butt

8 years ago

It's fucking bullshit. I just recently got super attracted to a girl I know, like batshit crazy attracted and it didn't work out at all because that feeling comes along so rarely that I wasn't able to play it cool in the midst of it. The last time I was really attracted to someone like that was a decade ago. Isn't life retarded sometimes? I think what you should do is try to meet as many people as possible and it will increase the chances that you'll come into contact with someone you are sufficiently drawn to.

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Tealights

8 years ago

I'm the same way. Almost all my previous relationships have been me just going with the flow, because some guy confessed his feelings and I just went... "why not? You seem nice." Big mistake. After wasting a lot of time with the wrong people, I said, "Fuck dating," and decided not to place a huge importance on finding someone and turning down anyone who quickly bombards me with their feelings.

It wasn't until I met my current boyfriend that I realized all I had to do was develop a strong emotional connection first. As in, we were friends for a while, but the more I understood the kind of person he is and the stronger we became connected, I found myself wanting to spend more and more time with him out of everyone else.

The only thing that sucks about this kind of attraction is, it takes friendship first. During friendships, you have no idea which friend you'll develop feelings for and it happens randomly. Then once you have feelings, he may not even feel the same way, or may already be in a relationship.

Like the Bucho's_butt said, just make a lot of friends who share common interests and don't care about dating, eventually someone will become more and hope they feel the same.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Good advice. Thank you! Perhaps I should open myself up to more people. I've always been a very shy person and most of the friends I've had in the past I met through mutual friends, always being nervous to talk to people on my own. I'm about to start school this semester. Maybe I'll have a shot at it. :)
  
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BlackyHancock

8 years ago

I dont know how it works, but i know it does.

I can think of a few women who whenever I see them I have a really strong attraction to which I cant explain but I know I want to be intimate with them.

I had one GF where when we first got together it felt kinda awkward, no great physical attraction, but then as we became intimate it gradually developed into hot mind blowing sex.

Another relationship where it was immediate on every level, where it seemed every part of my body and being was saying 'YES'.

Its probably different for everyone. There's no set way. MAybe explore a little more if there's some kind of attraction

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Terence_the_viking

8 years ago

it is what it is

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Cocomilktitties

8 years ago

I think that it's good to keep an open mind while dating someone, but you should feel at least some kind of attraction to the person. Like you should at least find them a little bit "cute" or something. Dating someone that you really don't have any feelings for or feel attracted to at least a little bit probably won't end up that good.

Sometimes it can't hurt to just go on like one date just to see if maybe their personality or something makes you change your mind, but in general, I think that you have to feel some sort of attraction to the person. That doesn't mean they have to be smoking hot, but you know... just like you have to feel something about them.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Hm. Maybe that's where I'm off. I very rarely feel any attraction to anyone at hard, so it's very hard to find someone to date that I'm attracted to. I've had lots of guys ask me out and, don't get me wrong, I like them a lot because I think there awesome people some of them are even pretty cute, but I'm just not attracted to them at all.
  
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  - theseeker
    
    8 years ago
    
    It's tough to understand what you mean because you say you think they're awesome and pretty cute, but that's what attraction is to me. That should be enough to wanna get to know them more I would think.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      What I mean by attraction is that "spark" if that makes any sense at all. They're often awesome, cool, and not bad looking but the attraction part, the thing that makes me want to get to know them on a more intimate level isn't there. I've tried getting to know them a little more in hopes that such a thing would grow, but it never seems to come.
      
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      - theseeker
        
        8 years ago
        
        Actually, yeah that does make a lot of sense. I think it's normal that you don't feel that immediate "spark" very often because I honestly think it's a rare thing for many people.
        
        I've heard couples say they knew they found the right one the moment they were first meeting, others might say they developed a stronger connection after getting to know each other more. The truth is there isn't a right answer to give because it happens a little different for everybody. There's nothing wrong with you and I can't say you're doing anything wrong. There's a lot of people in the same situation.
        
        23 is pretty young. You probably just haven't found the right one yet. It's complicated, but every experience is one you can learn from. It can be discouraging, but if you're strong enough and don't give up, then you will figure it out.
        
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      - Cocomilktitties
        
        8 years ago
        
        Ask yourself what you think the spark would feel like? Are you hoping for a high standard of guy? Do you imagine a very specific romantic scene? Do you imagine more of a feeling or a connection? Or do you imagine maybe very similar interests and lives? The last two are easier to work with because they are less specific.
        Also I know this seems kinda not relevant... but think about your sex drive and stuff too. Sometimes it's hard to feel that spark if your sex drive is kind of low because those mushy gushy lovey dovey feelings are kind of a part of it in my opinion.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        8 years ago
        
        I don't really imagine anything, to be honest. It's just some guys, for a reason a can't explain, I feel a spark for and others I do not, but the ones that I do are in the few.
        
        Thing about my sex drive, you probably won't believe me, but I'm an asexual. I don't desire sex with anyone. I've been aroused (by none sex related scenarios) but the idea of sex with anyone is a complete turn off for me. Maybe that has something to do with it. I dunno, but I've heard that one can be romantically attracted without necessarily being sexually attracted, and I believe this because, while I never wanted sex with them, I've had a few crushes in the past.
        
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How does attraction work?