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So basically my girlfriend is putting on weight and It's worrying me.
I know I sound shallow but to me, fat is not appealing, and it is important to be sexually attracted to your partner. I still am. But if she keeps on the way she is I won't be attracted to her anymore.
I want her to lose weight, or at least stop gaining it.
What should I do?
| Don't tell her. | 5 | |
| Tell her ASAP | 25 | |
| Wait to see if she improves, then tell her | 23 |
Suggest working out together. It wouldn't hurt you to get into shape either.
Make it a team activity. "I think -we- should get healthy." It would be hypocritical if you were to suggest she get in shape and not take care of yourself as well.
Set a pace she can keep up with- don't expect her to workout at your speed. Be sure to let her know it's working, and change up the workout sometimes or she'll get bored. It doesn't always have to be a gym, it can be hiking, swimming, any activity that has you both up and moving around that you can think of.
If you really want to tell her make sure you're gentle about it. I've been told by a partner that they don't find parts of my self attractive anymore, and it really fucking hurts.
Also, keep in mind that I'm sure she's already aware of her fat. If it's noticeable to you, you can bet it's noticeable to her. She might be pretty insecure about it already, and hearing from you how much you dislike it could magnify that insecurity and hurt a lot. It's equally possible that she loves her fat body and won't want to change it for you no matter what. These obstacles to mutual happiness aren't your fault and they're not her fault, they're just points of difference that may be irreconcilable and you ought to be aware of them before you talk to her about it.
Suggesting exercise together could represent a good solution, simply because it's equalizing.
As a final point: I truly believe a person can expand their mind to love different body types. That's certainly my lived experience of attraction. I wasn't born attracted to the bodies I am. I wasn't socialized in the mainstream to be attracted to the bodies I am. I think in a case like yours, where there is a history of attraction to your girlfriend, it seems perfectly possible. To be 100% crystal clear: I'm not saying all or even most of the change that needs to happen in this relationship should be on you. Your experience of what it means to be attracted to a body might be totally different to mine, and it may be that none of this paragraph resonates with you as a potential solution to the problems in your relationship. What I am doing is suggesting an alternative solution, which I can't see anyone else has suggested yet, and I feel like this comment wouldn't be complete without mentioning that.
First, I don't know how old she is, but genetics and age can cause a thinner, younger women to transition into their rounder, mature body type. Compare her to her mom, older sister or any other older relative she resembles to get a idea of her genetics. She can "buck" the genetics with extra exercise and good diet, but the genetic model is the baseline suggesting what she'll look like with her routine activity and diet.
Second, many of the other posters have great ideas. Suggest working out together and if it's warm enough out, take it outside for walks in the park, cycling, whatever you guys enjoy. Also, eat healthier with her and swap beer (if she drinks it) for red wine. If you need to consume more food or calories for whatever good reason, don't pig out in front of her!
Third, don't tell her she looks fat! She knows, if it's true. Buy her a nice outfit or swimsuit that makes her feel sexy. Give her encouragement and positive incentive.
There could be any reason she is gaining weight ranging from emotional eating to a physical problem to medication. I personally don't mind a partner with a bit of extra weight but if you do *shrugs*. But don't be surprised if she reacts badly, most women do to being told they are getting fat.. maybe if you suggest an exercise program or a gym membership together she would be more likely to do something about it.
Some people are just happier being on the heavy side though.
Depends on how much weight. Was she skinny to start (100 pounds) and is now 110? Or is she more like 200 pounds now? Because if she's just overweight, you need to chill. Let her make a change and if she doesn't any sooner, drop some hints or say you want to work out together. That's what I did to an ex of mine but he wasn't even big, just flabby average weight at 155 5'9. :]
Is she eating more or does she have a health condition like hypothyroidism/PCOS? That causes weight gain by eating the same.
I seen this happen with my friend. whenever she's single she is skinny and the moment she gets into a relationship she gain weight. Crazy I know. Anyways her boyfriend noticed this and suggested working out as a couple and she agreed and now she's back to being skinny.
Just tell her what you wrote here and the both of you sign up for a gym membership.
Tell her you're concerned for her health before you mention anything like that to her.
Tell her your feelings. Maybe it's a good thing. It might not work out between the two of you, then perhaps she could meet someone else who's better for her. It could be something like hypothyroidism or polycystic ovarian syndrome?
How would you you feel if she felt the same way about about you and your body?
Then I'd bust a gut to get in shape for her.
How would you feel if your partner became so large it started being unattractive? You'd want him to get in shape again.
Okay I think if you really loved her you would love her fat and skinny. I have fallen for people who were very over weight just because I loved their personality and the sexual aspect came later on. However being overweight is not necessarily the healthiest thing in the world. I not sure what a nice way of calling a woman fat is though. I might suggest saying you want to get a 6 pack and you want your girlfriend to come work out with you. Try to say its for you not her. That way she wont feel bad about it and your still helping her stay fit. However if you really cant see past appearance you are going to have issues when she is old and wrinkly.
I have nothing to add that has not been mentioned by other people so yeah, read their replies and most importantly; You are NOT a bad person for wanting to be attracted to your partner. I'd say it's pretty fucking normal :L
If you tell her she is getting fat she'll spin it around to make you look like the bad guy. You need to find a way to get her to do some cardio on her own. Trust me dude. Never eeeeeeever tell a women she's getting fat.
My boyfriend is into the whole bodybuilding thing and has a killer physique. I on the other hand am fairly average, 130 pounds, and he "teases" me about being chubby.
I am telling you this because this is what you should not do. Calling her chubby will just make her feel bad. Chances are she knows that she has been gaining weight. Give her the tools to help her lose weight, like suggesting working out together so you can show her how to weight light properly and make her feel comfortable and capable in a gym.
You should accept who the way she is. If you truly love your girlfriend then accept her. Our body is gonna change as we all get older. Telling a woman that she is getting fake is the worse comment...LOL. Your girlfriend is gonna feel low self esteem about herself. Women worries stress herself like crazy when it comes to weight problems. If you think she is getting too fat. Then maybe ask her to do some exercise with ya or go take a walk around the block every day after work/school etc. Do something out going with her. Accomplishment something with her. Eat healthy food drink plenty of water! If you feel the need to tell her then be honest tell her how you felt.. But in my opinion if my boyfriend tells me im getting too fat then my feeling would be kinda hurtful cause i always try look sexy/beautiful for my man. Everyone is different..