Getting over physical intimacy issues by experimenting w/ friend?

22 Comments

Some background info: I have a pretty big fear of physical intimacy and anything sexual, and am extremely inexperienced at nearly 25. I wasn't raised in a super strict environment or anything, it's just a personal issue within myself. I've always been very private with my body. I have a lifelong male best friend who I trust more than most people. I also am honestly a bit of a prude and feel weird about sexual stuff happening outside of a relationship, but it takes me an extremely long time to learn to trust someone enough to be comfortable with them. This broke up my last relationship. I never could feel comfortable enough to do anything physical with him.

My other good friend who is a girl has suggested that since I trust and am comfortable with my best friend, that I should try experimenting with him to get comfortable with physical intimacy. I don't know that I can do it. If I were to be able to do something like that with anyone, I'd trust him before I'd trust anyone else, but I just feel dirty about the idea. I feel like I would be forever disgusted with myself and just feel wrong. But, I also feel that if I ever want to have a relationship with anyone, I need to get over my fears and he's the one I trust most. I just don't want any regrets.

I haven't dated anyone because I feel there is too much pressure to rush into things with dating and am honestly pretty scared off by it. Ideally, I'd like time to befriend and get to know the guy reallly well before I dated him, which could take several months at the least. Then, it would be even longer before much physical stuff. I am someone who really needs to take things slow and absolutely cannot be rushed or pressured, or I just get more scared (which is what happened in my last relationship). I'm honestly a mess when it comes to intimacy.

Other (Please Explain)	4
No	10
Yes	11

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Comments ( 22 )

CountessDouche

4 years ago

No, man, I vote a strong no. Strong, strong no. You don't sound like you WANT sex with your friend, you don't sound like you are into it at all.

Good sex should NOT be about desensitizing yourself to stuff that you are not comfortable with!! It shouldn't be about just doing shit you don't want so you get used to it & get some experience. Good sex should NOT be about trying to make yourself like it...you shouln't have sex if you don't like it! If you aren't ready to have sex; if it makes you uncomfortable; if you aren't into it...then wait.

This is your body, YOURS, your pleasure, your life & you don't have to answer to anyone. You shouldn't feel ashamed of not having sex...or having sex...just do what makes you happy & fulfilled.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  4 years ago
  
  Thank you! I don't feel ready yet at all, but I feel like a freak still not being ready at my age when most of my friends were ready years ago. For some reason, it really bothers my one friend (the one suggesting to experiment with my best friend) and she thinks I need to just get it over with. I'm afraid I'll have major regrets doing that.
  
  I'd like the companionship of a relationship, but sex is a requirement and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll end up stringing along some poor guy and hurting him if I'm still not ready in a year (I was with my previous ex for a year and a half and only got more nervous as he kept pressuring me).
  
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  - CountessDouche
    
    4 years ago
    
    You should never feel that way. I completely understand how you feel. I felt that way myself. I felt exactly how you feel.
    
    If a relationship with someone who cares about you is what you are looking for, then you should look for someone who respects your choice to wait until your comfortable & doesn't pressure you. I know that's infinitely harder to find, but it's probably worth holding out for that. The right partner won't care if you are inexperienced (as someone who has had plenty of sex, I can assure you that 99% of guys are just happy to be having sex at all & don't really care if you know what you're doing hahaha).
    
    You just need to ta kj e the pressure off of yourself. Having sex for the first time shoukdn't be about getting it done & making sure you have experience. It should be about YOU. It's your fucking body & you have the right to feel comfortable & want it when you have sex.
    
    Trust me, I've banged...there is nothing wrong with inexperience. The only difference between my inexperienced sex & sex now is me getting into it, being passionate & losing myself & not being insecure. Having sex earlier won't help you with that. Being with a partner you trust & wanting to have sex-really wanting it...now that will help!
    
    Just do whatever makes you happy & wait if you want to wait, but don't bang someone you're not into just to bang. You deserve better.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      4 years ago
      
      Thank you! This makes me feel a lot better.
      
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palehorse

4 years ago

You sound demisexual.

Also, you don't *have* to date anyone or try anything before you're ready. If you don't feel comfortable experimenting with your friend, don't. If you do, maybe give it a try. (Ask him first, of course...)

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- CountessDouche
  
  4 years ago
  
  Thumbs up. Omg I love you & you always say my shit in a remarkably small amount of words. Need to work on the brevity thang
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  4 years ago
  
  Thank you!
  
  I really don't feel ready and would like for it to happen naturally, but I've been under the impression that it might take so long that whoever I was with would leave me before I'd get to that point, or I would be basically stringing him along and being unfair by denying him physical intimacy. That's how my last relationship felt, anyway. I really don't want to hurt anyone.
  
  I am not really comfortable with casual sex or anything sexual being casual, really, which is also why I'm off put.
  
  I've brought up to my best friend what my other friend told me, and he said it was up to me.
  
  Is demisexual where you aren't attracted to someone until you get to know them? Because that is exactly me, and part of my reason for being fearful of dating. I have no real way of knowing if I'm attracted to someone or if it'll go anywhere until I've gotten to know them decently well. I rarely feel attraction, and when I do, it's always for someone I've gotten to know and whose personality I like, and it's never been someone I've dated, unfortunately. I'm afraid that because of the fact that I need to get to know someone to know if I'm attracted and the fact that a lot of guys hate being "friend zoned" (though I'd prefer to be friends first before dating), I'll end up stringing along someone and hurting them.
  
  Sorry for the book!
  
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  - palehorse
    
    4 years ago
    
    I think what you need to do is make your boundaries clear at the start of any relationship, so you're not creating any unfair expectations. It might put a lot of people off at first, but in the long run, it would help you find a partner you're compatible with.
    
    Demisexuality means you're only (or mostly only) sexually attracted to people after you've formed an emotional bond. So basically, yeah. I'm not demisexual myself, so I suggest you look into this on your own, but there are probably dating apps geared specifically towards demisexual people. You'll be able to find someone who also wants to take it slow and "be friends first", like you said. Probably a better plan than fucking your friend until you get used to the idea of casual sex.
    
    I wish you luck.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      4 years ago
      
      Thank you! Demisexual describes me perfectly. I will try to look more into it and see if there are any communities/apps for it, and I'll definitely make my boundaries clear! My fear is that like in my previous relationship, I'll do that and the guy will either misunderstand or completely ignore them and get frustrated with me not being ready soon enough.
      
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      - palehorse
        
        4 years ago
        
        Good luck! Also, if you make your boundaries clear and your partner doesn't respect them, that's on him.
        
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Clunk42

4 years ago

Don't have sex with your friend. Perhaps you should be looking for people who don't want sex until after marraige.

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backwards-rat

4 years ago

It's normal to experiment with friends, BUT ONLY IF YOU BOTH WANT TO. It's ok to be asexual. It's ok to be demisexual. It's ok to just not be ready yet. Seems like it'd do you more harm than good to force things.

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Jimbo24

4 years ago

You've got to get horny first to genuinely want sex. Either you have a low sex drive, or the guys around you aren't exciting enough.

If it's the second, hang around more exciting/interesting/high-status/masculine guys, or skankier chicks. If it's the first, then you're just a not a sex person, and you should stop trying to force something you're not and move on. There are other things to enjoy in life.

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CDmale4fem

4 years ago

I with the "DON'T DO ANYTHING TILL *YOU* FEEL AND ARE READY" group. However you could find erotic stories online to read that might help you to see it's not the dirty naughty taboo thing your thinking of. If you want to know taboo kind of stuff to be handled with care, then message me back.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  4 years ago
  
  Thank you! My best friend and I watched porn together not too long ago (he actually found the disc somewhere and we decided to watch it out of curiosity), and it was my first time ever watching porn. I don't know if it was the bad acting or what, but it just grossed me out. The fake moaning, the weird fetish stuff, the rough stuff. I just couldn't get into it.
  
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Sunshinegirl

4 years ago

It doesn't really work.

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aprilsommerss

4 years ago

do whatever you feel is right. if you're ready and comfortable to do that with your friend then go ahead, but if you're not, dont. its completely normal to want to wait until you're 100% with the person until you take the next step. its up to you

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CDmale4fem

4 years ago

Part of the reason I say try reading stories. You don't have to see the bad acting or the porn mustaches. Just you and your imagination.

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- Jimbo24
  
  4 years ago
  
  What mustaches? This isn't 1989. The staches are long gone, and so did most of the body hair. Though the dicks have gotten bigger on the plus side (if you're a homo), and the sex has gotten rougher in some productions.
  
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  - CDmale4fem
    
    4 years ago
    
    Wow, s o d o y o u k n o w w h a t a
    f I g u r e o f s p e e c h i s ?
    There is that slow enough for you.?
    
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    - Jimbo24
      
      4 years ago
      
      That wasn't a figure of speech! Because "bad acting" was actually literally true.
      
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Doesnormalmatter

4 years ago

I say do it. Only because it sounds like you want to and your just worried. Good sex takes practice.

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Getting over physical intimacy issues by experimenting w/ friend?