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I loved him even with all of his flaws I learned recently that my grandmother cheated on him with a Chinese guy who is my real grandfather which explains why my mother looks the way she dose.
I fucking hate my grandmother she deceived the man who I respected and the fact that he died not knowing the truth really pisses me off she is evil.
I was informed my real grandfather is still alive but I want nothing to do with him. is all of this normal?
How do you know he died not knowing? Relationships are complicated. I highly doubt your grandad would have looked at his half Chinese baby and not had any doubts in his mind. He must have known something even if he never spoke about it.
my mom looks like my grandma but she has some slight Asiatic features. my mom told me that grandma never told her or the man who she thought was her dad for all this time.
my mom loved him just as much as I did so its really messed up that grandma would do that. she was better off not saying anything.
The fact your grandmother did finally admit this suggests to me that she might have been carrying around a burden of guilt for many years.
I understand you feeling that you would have preferred her not to have dropped this bombshell on your mother and you, but I'm probably about the age of your grandmother, and I can understand her wanting to finally tell the truth.
Such things are far more common than you think. The problem with "Family Trees" is that quite often there are in fact unknown and unstated "fathers" out there.
The real historians know that there are substantial errors in "Family Trees" due to several factors including infidelity or rape that was hidden, and the tendency of people to create a more noble background than actually existed which was impossible to verify in most parts of the world as recently as 70 years ago.
I think it's right you want nothing to do with him. It shows loyalty to the grandfather who was around for you all your life, and it is respecting his memory.
I can understand you being shocked by learning this, but the anger is not yours to own. Whatever happened between your grandfather, your grandmother and the other guy, it was long ago and it didn't harm you. In fact, you wouldn't even be here if it hadn't happened.
As Swick says, it's difficult to believe that any reasonably bright white guy (which I assume your grandfather was) would look at the half-Chinese infant produced by his wife and not suspect something wasn't quite right.
You've apparently been told that your grandfather didn't know, but it's impossible for anyone to be sure about that now. You may have firmly held beliefs about the correct way for people to organise their personal lives and how married people should behave, but those are only opinions. You may believe you understand the relationship between your grandparents, but nobody outside a relationship can truly understand what goes on in private between two people. And even if you've been told a story about how your mother came to be, you can't be sure about that either; few of us are totally honest with ourselves about everything we've done in our lives, and the stories we tell others about what we've done are rarely completely accurate.
There's no law that you have to love, respect or even like your grandmother, but whatever feelings you have for her should be based on how she has treated your mother and you, not what happened between her and your grandfather.
my grandfather was half Dominican and Haitian my grandma is Puerto rican.
my mother didnt even know until grandma told her my grandfather and grandma were married for decades so its a shock that she would do that. she says she never told him.
it makes me feel like an outsider to my cousins who all share the same grandfather but im the odd one out now.
Ah, so I can now see how it wouldn't have been immediately apparent to your grandfather.
I understand what you say about how learning this has changed your feelings for your cousins, but family is about a lot more than shared genes. For what it's worth, you're far from unique in having to make some adjustments after learning that you're not as closely genetically related to your family as you believed. The appearance of cheap DNA testing in recent years has resulted in a lot of families discovering truths that have been hidden for many decades. Sometimes this blows families apart, but sometimes after people have gotten over the initial shock they realise that the history, values and approach to life that they share with their family is much more important than how many genes they have in common.
I assume the cousins you refer to are the children of your mother's siblings. If so, it's likely you have ¼ of your genes in common with them (from your common grandmother), and half your genes are completely different to their's because yours come from your father, while their's come from the parent your mother is not related to. If your grandfather had been who you believed, you would have shared an additional ¼ of your genes with your cousins. Is it really worthwhile getting bent out of shape about being so different from them for the sake of ¼ of your genetic make-up?
As I said before, it seems to me that your feelings for your grandmother should be based on how she has treated your mother and you and how she is with you two now, not something that happened many years ago. You call her 'evil' in your OP, and maybe she is just that. Maybe she is a nasty, lazy leech who stuck to your poor, gullible grandfather for decades, abused and used him and took him for everything he was worth. But if that doesn't really sound like her, then maybe your mother was the result of a moment of weakness at a time when her marriage to your grandfather was going through a rough patch. It happens, and nobody should be condemned for behaving in such a human way.
Finally, while you have the right to choose to know nothing more about your biological grandfather, I have to say that it's not uncommon for people in your position to regret making such a decision long after their absent parent or grandparent has died. None of us is solely the product of our genes, but the people we are is determined to some extent by our genetic inheritance. It's possible that if you were to meet your genetic grandfather, you might discover some things that help you understand yourself better.