Female raised by toxic masculinity

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67 Comments

I was in grade 2 and I had this demon of a teacher. Whenever I started to cry, she shouted "stop crying, you have no reason to". Additionally, a good majority of the adults at that school told me to stop crying.

As soon as I transferred schools, it got a bit better. Although there was situations when adults would ask why I was crying. I would then wipe my tears away and say it was nothing. I did this as a reminder of what the adults were like at my old school.

I finished high school 3 years ago and still hold in my tears. I would tell myself "I'm in my mid 20s for god sakes! I have no reason to cry and show weakness for a minor issue!". Whenever I would cry, yes I would feel better. However I would also feel guilty and ashamed for doing such a "weak thing".

As a result of teachers and other adults teachers me that crying is weak; I now fear crying in front of others, and act tough/stubborn.

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75% Normal
Based on 16 votes (12 yes)
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Comments ( 67 )
  • [Old Memory]
    3 years ago

    cry in secrecy of ur room; it is cathartic.

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  • donteatstuffoffthesidewalk
    3 years ago

    *airplanes stray too close together*

    *pilots and air traffic controllers all start cryin insteada reactin properly*

    'today in femistan a plane crash killed hundreds apparently due to an outbreak of toxic masculinity details at 11'

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    • Correction
      3 years ago

      Ah yes, the world renowned “stop crying, you have no reason to” method of teaching people how to react properly. That’ll learn em, that’ll learn em real good.

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      • donteatstuffoffthesidewalk
        3 years ago

        you can only teach people so much

        they need to make a conscious effort at some point to exercise self control to improve their own lives & dispositions and not appear like a complete mess to the world

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        • Correction
          3 years ago

          “you can only teach people so much” isn’t really applicable in a situation where you’re making zero effort to teach somebody literally anything. That’s just an unironic use of the “we’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas” line from The Simpsons.

          We’re talking about an actual child here. A fucking 7 year old should not be expected to have the ability to emotionally develop on their own with zero input from an adult.

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          • donteatstuffoffthesidewalk
            3 years ago

            op is mid 20s not 7

            youre right im bein a jackass cause its the internet and i can

            but what shinin examples are you teachin the world?

            i dont see any lessons or proposed solutions from you all i see is someone advocatin uncontrolled blubberin over havin feeeeeeelings

            i also dont see op want to make any effort to improve they just wanna complain and have someone to blame

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            • Inkmaster
              3 years ago

              "op is mid 20s not 7" No, but she was 7 when her teacher yelled at her. She was experiencing stomach pain and her teacher sent her to detention for making noise. Do you seriously expect a 2nd grader to not make noise when they're in pain?

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  • bigbudchonga
    3 years ago

    It depends what you're crying over. You could just be a pussy who's crying over someone calling you a rude name, or you could be crying over something that's legit worth shedding tears over over.

    The fact you used the phrase "toxic masculinity" probably means you're crying over the former.

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  • Clunk42
    3 years ago

    I don't understand people who feel better by crying. From my experience, the way to feel better is to stop crying and watch YouTube videos. Crying makes you dwell on the cause of your crying. Watching funny YouTube videos makes you laugh and forget about what made you cry, allowing you to look at your situation later in a much less emotional state.

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    • [Old Memory]
      3 years ago

      Watching videos and stuff just distracts you from the issue. It's like the same thing as eating your emotions, except you're using dopamine and serotonin instead of food.

      Crying it out let's you feel how bad it hurts, and it's okay because you're letting it happen. It's not like another person is antagonizing you, you're relaxing yourself enough to let those waves of emotions wash across your body.

      When you're done and still mentally strong, it can't hurt you again, not on that level. It really puts things in perspective.

      Ignoring it to watch YouTube or whatever just leaves a bad taste in your mouth any time you think of it again.

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      • Clunk42
        3 years ago

        I disagree. The purpose is to distract you. You stop thinking about it and have fun for a bit, then when you look back you're not sad about it anymore. Since you're no longer sad about it, you can think about it without feeling nearly as sad. It's the original wave of sadness that is the strongest, so any sadness you feel looking at it again is a far lesser sadness.

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        • [Old Memory]
          3 years ago

          You think it's better not to experience life? To endeavor to not understand yourself better?

          When you're sad and going through all of those emotions and your brain is releasing its chemicals, you're gonna understand all of the intimate details and make much better rationalizations and integrations.

          If you put it off until you forget things, you're not learning anything. You're not gonna figure out what put you in that situation, what to avoid and look out for in the future, how to navigate situations. That's not taking responsibility at all. It's letting your mind go blank so backwards rationalization can set in.

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          • Clunk42
            3 years ago

            You don't put it off until you forget. You only it off for a small amount of time: a few days for really big things, and a hour or two for smaller things.

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            • [Old Memory]
              3 years ago

              You can forget a lot in a few days, and a few hours. Short term memory is just less than an hour; how much stuff do you not remember each hour?

              If you have the capacity to cry, like if you can do it and not be disturbed, or maybe only have to interact with someone fond of you, then you should do it. You can honestly feel, I'm talking really feeling stronger than before. I've ignored stuff too and all that's done is give me experiences I could never incorporate into my life and it gives rise to defense mechanisms galore.

              Rubbing alcohol stings on fresh scrapes, but it protects you from infection, right?

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    • Inkmaster
      3 years ago

      Human beings wouldn't have crying as an emotional response if we weren't supposed to use it as such. It's not healthy to constantly avoid negative emotions.

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    • SkullsNRoses
      3 years ago

      Tears of sorrow contain higher levels of stress hormones than other kinds of tears, hence the catharsis people can feel after crying.

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  • [Old Memory]
    3 years ago

    The fuck does a lack of emotional maturity have to do with masculinity?

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    • Clunk42
      3 years ago

      OP has used the feminist phrase "toxic masculinity". This refers to someone who acts overly "masculine" in the sense of not showing their feelings, bossing others around, and overshadowing everyone else. The phrase is stupid and you shouldn't use it.

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  • asdfgh0987
    3 years ago

    Crying is a reflex. You can't help it. You don't always have to cry when you're sad or upset. A lot of times it just happens because of overwhelming emotion. I've laughed so hard I started sobbing crying before. Sometimes things just get to be a little too much and your brain has to release it. Men and women should both be allowed to cry for any reason they see fit. Maybe Boomers didn't appreciate emotion because their parents were shell shocked war veterans that abused them when the kitchen timer went off but this day and age is different. Let it out, man.

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    • LloydAsher
      3 years ago

      *in privacy. I think that was the important detail needed here. People arent saying to never cry, just not in public. Because seeing someone cry in public is just a massive downer on everyone in the vicinity.

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    • LloydAsher
      3 years ago

      *in privacy. I think that was the important detail needed here. People arent saying to never cry, just not in public. Because seeing someone cry in public is just a massive downer on everyone in the vicinity.

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  • Wryladradofft
    3 years ago

    Crying really isn't something that can be helped, so you shouldn't feel guilty about it. It sounds like you just had really shitty teachers.

    Even when the issues that cause you to cry are seemingly minor it's okay to cry about them. Crying over an issue and acknowledging when the issue is silly are two things that don't ever have to be mutually exclusive I don't think. You can be honest with what you feel and still recognize when it's irrational, and when it is irrational you don't have to beat yourself up about it. Feelings don't always have a concrete justification.

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  • Tommythecaty
    3 years ago

    “Toxic” phrase on anything.

    Kill yo self.

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    • Bazinga
      3 years ago

      Whoa Tommy, you da werewolf witch doctor. Maybe knowing she has the inability to stop crying, makes her cry. She could become an artist to express her distorted perceptions.

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      • Tommythecaty
        3 years ago

        I’m triggered, that’s triggering me because it’s so toxic and racist. And it has pretty sexist overtones too.

        #cancelbazinga

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        • Bazinga
          3 years ago

          I agree. Except, I think it wreaks of "external locus of control". People like that blame everyone except themselves for everything including themselves. Actually, if she is sitting in an exit row of a plane that crashes, I'm punching her out and throwing her out of the way.

          #getTheJobDone_askQuestionsLater

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  • FromTheSouthWeirdMan
    3 years ago

    I dont think that qualifies as toxic masculinity since everyone will tell you to stop crying. Like it or not it's a sick world. So when you cry over too much sugar in your coffee it just effects you not anyone else. I would not promote someone at work that was mentally weak like that.

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  • Inkmaster
    3 years ago

    If it isn't rude, may I ask what sorts of things you would cry over as a child or what things you cry over as an adult?

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    • LOLFanProductions
      3 years ago

      The obvious reasons like if someone hurts my feelings or excludes me.

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      • Inkmaster
        3 years ago

        Could you be a bit more specific?

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        • LOLFanProductions
          3 years ago

          For example, one time during class she (the teacher) was about to read a story. She clearly said that anyone who made a noise would go to detention. Well since my stomach was sore, I groaned. Without hesitation, she sent me right to detention with hard ass math questions. This is an example because my feelings were hurt due to her not understanding my need to use the washroom.

          Another example would be when I was in high school. There were days when I felt lonely, and my friends were avoiding me. I would usually go up to them and talk to them. However, Instead of acknowledging me, they would continue their conversation. The thing is I beated myself up by asking why were they doing this. I would think it had something to do with me and they had no interest in socializing with me that day. This mindset would cause tears to show, which I didn't like.

          My mind was insecure back in the day. However I now thank it because it made my friends understand me more better.

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          • Inkmaster
            3 years ago

            Yeah, your teacher was a jerk. I'd hardly call it toxic masculinity, especially since she's female, but she's definitely a jerk.

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          • Clunk42
            3 years ago

            That sounds like an overly strict teacher.

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        • Clunk42
          3 years ago

          Specificity would definitely be appreciated, because, as it stands now, OP sounds like she was a wimpy child.

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  • LloydAsher
    3 years ago

    I mean to be fair crying IS a sign of weakness. To cry in public is inappropriate for things that dont fucking matter. You can cry publicly if something or someone you love dies or is horribly injured.

    Toughen up buttercup. You can cry in your own house.

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  • NormalIsAsNormalDoes
    3 years ago

    While those experiences are traumatic I would keep in mind that people in general are not comfortable crying or showing hurt emotions in front of others

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  • badmanalive
    3 years ago

    Quit crying and put your big girl panties on. God dammit, no one else is going to do it for you are they??

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  • Ellenna
    3 years ago

    Either stop using terms you don't understand (eg "toxic masculinity") or stop putting inflammatory terms in your header question to get people's attention,

    You need to get yourself some therapy: it's not normal to be so obsessed with something which happened to you so long ago. Some teachers are arseholes and hate either all their students or some of them: get over it and move on or as I said, get yourself some therapy.

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  • EnglishLad
    3 years ago

    There's absolutely nothing weak about crying. Crying doesn't show signs that you're weak, it shows that you've had to try and remain strong for too long.

    Crying is healthy. Holding it in can lead to mental issues.

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  • Mammal-lover
    3 years ago

    If I need to cry I let it out. Letting it build up does me no favors. Let your emotions free. Like at work I'm getting trained in a new location and im getting pissed and sad and etc crying while the parts are coming through blowing my nose every 2 seconds. Break comes round by the the tine its over ive gotten it out of my system mostly and able to focus on work. Next day as if it never happened. The guys on my shift never even mentioned it. One asked if I was OK and that was that.

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  • RoseIsabella
    3 years ago

    I'm a Generation-Xer, and it was very common for kids raised in the 70s, and 80s to be told not to cry, or that crying made you look weak.

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    • LloydAsher
      3 years ago

      I mean isnt it? Crying is weakness especially in public because it shows you cant contain your emotions. Now if you were told one of your family members died that a free pass to cry in public, pretty much everything else is just extremely poor social etiquette.

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      • bigbudchonga
        3 years ago

        Yeah of course it's a weakness. There's a time and a place to let yourself be vulnerable and weak, and if you just go horrible news or something like that then crying in public is perfectly reasonable. But to break down to the point of tears because someone called you a mean name, in public, is a blatant weakness.

        You outlined perfectly a situation where you need to hold it together in your plain crash example. Someone who can't even stop crying because they're left out of something is going to be completely useless in any strenuous situation.

        "They're coming over the trenches, lads! Start crying, that'll stop em"!

        "Nurse, scalpel"! *Nurse sobs as patient bleeds out on the operating table*.

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        • Correction
          3 years ago

          How, exactly, does “stop crying, you have no reason to” help somebody who is crying in public? As opposed to, say, sitting the crying person down, talking through whatever is making them cry, and actually making them no longer want to cry by giving them more situation appropriate ways of dealing with their emotion?

          Unless your goal is to force somebody to bottle up their emotions with no outlet until they intentionally crash a plane or shoot up a bunch of their fellow soldiers.

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          • bigbudchonga
            3 years ago

            It sets in mind the right mood for life. Not everyone can follow the message sure, but to break down over small things to the point of tears is abject weakness.

            Any country that has enough people like that in it will be massively dysfunctional and unable to complete the most basic tasks that involve stress, let alone hold off an invasion.

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            • Correction
              3 years ago

              Treating symptoms instead of the cause never solves anything. If somebody is crying over small things because they’re weak, telling them they have no reason to cry is pointless and accomplishes nothing. It doesn’t solve the problem of them being weak, it’ll simply make that weakness manifest itself in some other way. The solution is to make them emotionally stronger so they don’t feel the need to cry over small things.

              The last thing you want is a military full of emotionally stunted man babies who have no idea how to deal with their emotions.

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      • RoseIsabella
        3 years ago

        I prefer not to cry in public.

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        • LloydAsher
          3 years ago

          I think the grand majority of people do not want to cry in public. I think that was the point of OPs teachers not to say crying was always bad but just to say crying in public without a good reason is bad.

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  • [Old Memory]
    3 years ago

    Sometimes it feels really good to squeeze all those tears out, it can make you feel better about moving on. It's not weak, it's just a process that helps.

    It's not always a good idea to cry in front of others, and your teachers were probably just getting a kid to stop fussing more than teaching you crying is immoral

    Have fun with your personas though, don't make yourself depressed by being the antithesis of your identity

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    • LOLFanProductions
      3 years ago

      Yes, but I'm an INFP (introvert, iNtuitive, feeling, and perceiving); as a perceptive type, I took "stop fussing" as "stop crying and making things a huge deal"

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      • [Old Memory]
        3 years ago

        The results from those tests change based on how you feel at the time

        Really what was going on is that you were told you were doing something wrong at an impressionable age, and so now in adulthood you've built up a rejection of sadness, look up Carl Jung's the shadow. Your shadow is everything you don't like about yourself segregated from your consciousness, and it's common for people to construct defense mechanisms to keep the shadow in place since more often than not it's going to take a lot of work to tear those walls down

        It kind of worries me that you're defending your taught fear of crying in a post you made to declare your taught fear of crying

        I'm also iffy on your understanding of the psychology that goes into Ocean and these online personality trait tests

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      • Clunk42
        3 years ago

        Don't pretend that test actually means anything.

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      • LloydAsher
        3 years ago

        I had a pretty emotional INFP ex girlfriend who while very emotional knew how to to keep it inside when in public and when to let it out in private.

        Hell when she broke up with me she managed to keep in inside until she broke down in a car, she was disappointed that I didnt shed a tear over the breakup though.

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  • my_life_my_way
    3 years ago

    There’s no such thing as toxic masculinity. Crying is a sign of a weak mind and should be avoided.

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    • Inkmaster
      3 years ago

      No, it's a sign of emotional distress.

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      • Clunk42
        3 years ago

        I disagree with both of you. It's a tool used to gain positive attention.

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