Fears of abandonment: loving friends kept at bay

Being without brothers, sisters a mother or a father has lead me to suppress fears of isolation and abandonment. I withdraw into a shell, keeping people at a distance in order to "protect" myself from their departure. In other words, I don't get attached so that I am not hurt by the inevitable void left in their wake. After which I'll think, "Okay, do people need others to be happy or am I a partial individual because I lack mental stability?"

I also have insecurity issues: Being below the poverty line and out of school (but with varied and passionate interests in several academic fields), I tend to become very jealous toward others who seem to be "where" I envision I "should" be, creating an imagined plane of "inequality" between myself and whomever I am comparing myself to. In the latest case, the individual I most commonly compare myself to is my boyfriend, in front of whom, having just moved into a breathtakingly large apartment (myself living in a ghetto shoebox -- literally), I will physically isolate myself (in the bathroom, under the covers) in order to separate myself from the jealousy. Or, perhaps I am detaching in order to "test" him to see whether or not he will try to break down my wall? If it is the latter situation, I am always grateful when he does break down my wall but I am not always open to that resolution, oftentimes forcing myself to dwell on the problem and remain withdrawn.

It is a vicious cycle of distrust and notions of fleeting loyalty that drive me into usually-irretrievable states of paranoia, introspection and isolation.

Socially, I am very confused. I know perhaps one or two people in my city but want to meet more, but it seems that every person I meet drops the connection after the initial meeting -- I cannot tell whether I am expecting too much too quickly from people, or whether I am expecting the entirely WRONG thing from people; friendship.