Fear of family member

So thank you ladies for all the help. :)
Today we actually....went over there. We called ahead of time to check is mood status. We stayed outside the entire time and the kids played in the yard. Theyre were two large males around and 3 moms.
Everything was pre-planned this morning.:)
He came outside for maybe 10min's and then went in for the rest of the time. We only stayed for about 30min's tops.
Today was my husbands bday**And its what he really wanted but i wanted Safety.
Everything went fine...but that doesn't mean it will be a normal thing for us. its been a month and a half since we were there last. Compared to every Sun. night dinner we were doing.
But all went good and I think as long as we keep it a "sometimes" kinda thing and a pre-planned event (with the protection of men)lol...we can slowly but surely get use to it (not going over there as much).
So thank you for your help. :)
i really do appreciate it.

Stand your ground - no parent should knowingly put their children in a dangerous situation and this definitely sounds like one - you are normal and may I say "I great mom!"

Yeah - I'm glad you got the safety plan as a concept - have no idea what that would be in the particulars of your family.

oh yeah! ive always wanted a sister!! :)

the last time the men got together to discuss it. My brother in law was hit and almost thrown down the stairs.

but getting together and haveing a safety plan isnt a bad idea...at all. ill see how we can put that together.

yes he lives with his mother. and my sister n law and her 7kids live in the finished basement. (which can be terrifying for them at times)there has been 2 episodes directed at them since they moved in 6mos ago.

everyone and i mean everyone has let it go and are around him alot! but im not willing!

i hate to know that it has damaged your family...because i know that one day it will come to our family.

they have pulled out the court ordered papers on him that say if there is another episode they have signed by the judge he will be sent off. Now is that a good thing? or will it make him want to go all out next time...if hes going to be sent of anyway?

i dont feel any pity for my mother in law because she shouldve never let it get this far! The last time a gun was brought up and that is where i drew the line!

No one is wrong here. This kind of mental illness is hard on everyone, particularly the person with the illness. It is really hard to cope with.

Is there any possibility of having a family powwow to discuss how they can assure that you & the children are safe at family gatherings? There are usually signs. And if there are, for example, a few male family members who can take him aside and away she he start to break down that might work.

if my sick sib wasn't dead, i'd swear you were one of my sisters! lol

the thing is that sometimes talking to them about it will set them off, too, so your husband probably knows this will happen. that might be why he is reluctant. then there could be family pressure to accept the brother as he is. who knows.

i am sure your husband is a great guy, and he's trying to work the issue between his mom and sibs and his wife and kids.

i'll tell you this much, though. our mother made us endure it because of family closeness. we are all somewhat damaged by it now.

so, maybe aruging with your husband isn't being productive. no point hurting your relationship.

how do all the other parents feel about it? is it something they ever talk about?

does your poor mother in law live alone with the sick brother? poor thing.

oh i would never wait. im really happy to see that you posted again on here. some people make random fly bys and i feel lucky.

i wouldnt feel comfortable haveing the talk myself. and ugh my husband...wont. idk. i feel like im giving the wrong impression of my husband. Bc he is wonderful. Its just the type of family very close ( as in get togethers and getting into eachothers business) but very far away when it comes to takeing a stand.

im totally the opposite. i usually tell people how it is...whether they like it or not. etc.
but not with "him" (the mentally illed) bc im scared and i have no problem admitting it.

my husband said if you feel uncomfortable then you stay home and i will take the kids. i gave him a flat out No! Theres no compromise. Weve tried. If they go without me and something happens..i would literally want to kill him.(the mentally ill).

We had a day scheduled Sat. to meet My husbands Sisters and thier kids at the park. Well his mom called and said she heard we were all going to the park. So we cancelled tonight. bc of the chance that "he" would be there. Aaand I do not want to keep living this way! I have 14 nieces n nephews! And its hard to get them together if its not a holiday.

im going crazy here and youve become my outlet. lol.

i dont want to complain about it (which seems to be all i am doing) but i dont know what else to do. We dont want to start an issue..so we cant say anything to him..and its hurtn me and my husband argueing about it.

the mental illness won't go away, just like you said. in fact, as they age it seems to get worse.

i doubt your husband will ever end up in jail, after all, look at all the witnesses that will be there, saying that he was defending his family from his crazy brother, so i think that's not a worry.

so, this brother in law of yours, since he does apologize, he knows he's wrong. i wonder if anyone could approach him before there is a family get together, you know, let him know how you don't feel comfortable with his hissy fits. whether they are nuts or kids, if they get the notion that their fits are accepted and always forgiven, there is the fodder for the next fit.

you will probably give in and see the family again, but maybe your husband, or you, whichever you think is best, can call or visit alone and talk to his brother and tell him: we've stayed away because of the way you acted last time we were together, and we are tired of it. if you throw a fit in front of my family again, we are walking out.

then, give him a chance. if you feel he's working himself into another fit, don't wait for the fit to start, just grab the kids and get in the car and lock the doors. good luck to you:)

Thank You Very Much and I Really Appreciate you takeing the time for this post. I completely agree but the problem is How Long? Its a mental disorder that will always be there and it really doesn't seem to be fair if I left my decision on a forever bases. But I dont seem to think it will ever get better.

And Your Right he does know exactly what hes doing because afterwards he is so sincerely apologetic. And its hard to turn it down. Its been over a month now since the episode and since we have seen him or my mother n laws house.

Honestly Im scared and mostly im afraid because he is so big and im so small. If something went out of hand (the littlest things throw him over the deep end) I wouldnt be able to protect myself and my children. With that said...my husband is Macho Man and claims he will handle the situation, which put me in fear he'll end up in jail. The last person who tried to step in got knocked out literally.

Ugh...its so frustrating. Im glad you came to help. Thank you.

i had a sib that had those outbursts too. i was lucky in that the fact that they were always verbal when i witnessed them, but understand from others that they got physical sometimes.

that sib passed away a few years ago. i feel both guilt and relief. occasionally i feel anger too, just about all the loonyness of it all.

back in the day there were alot of institutions, but since Regan, all these loonies are kept at home and in the public. personally i don't like it.

the scary thing about a schizo is that they are fully aware of their whole episode. they just don't care when they are doing it.

i stand by you in staying away. if your mother in law wants to see her grandkids, then she can come to your house for a visit alone, or your husband can go and pick up his mother.

your husband, understandly, probably feels like he's in the middle of it all. i bet his mother is at him to get you to change your mind. so maybe he's going to deal with it by not dealing with it.

maybe your husband can go for a visit alone, at least for now. after all, you are the mom, and your kids are your priority.