Excluded from boyfriend's coworker events?

13% Normal
13 Comments

Been with boyfriend 1 year 3 months now, great relationship, some bumps along the way, but what couple hasn't had those? We've always managed to work everything out. We're talking marriage and a future together. He's been married before and I'm his first serious girlfriend since his divorce 4 years ago.

He invites me to nearly all of his friends' (except for the occasional boys' night, which I certainly don't mind not going to) and family's events, and we go and have a great time together. However, at the job he's been working with for 15 years now, he never invites me when his coworkers invite him out. He's been invited to weddings, bridal showers, goodbye parties for staff who are leaving, informal gatherings or parties at a coworker's house, regular nights out every once in a blue moon, and of course the annual Christmas party (I'd say he goes to about 90% of those events). He just tells me that he is going, and I'm not invited. When I casually said once "oh we'll have so much fun there!" he just told me "oh I'm going alone, nobody else is bringing their boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands", which is his excuse for all those outings. Most of his coworkers are single, and the few that are married / in relationships don't seem to take their relationships seriously (I'd go into more detail but that's another topic altogether. One of the married women flirts openly with all the males in the office and brags that she never brings her husband anywhere). A lot of these outings occur on Friday nights or Saturdays, which in itself bothers me because the only real quality time we get to spend together is on alternate weekends and Friday nights (that is, if he doesn't have to watch his son for an extra weekend some months). We see each other Monday and Wednesday for about 2 hours for dinner but that's really it. He works 2 jobs, plays a sport twice a week with friends, and has visitation of his son from a previous marriage, so that's where his other time goes. If he goes out with his coworkers during the workweek or during the workday, I don't have an issue that I'm not invited because I probably wouldn't go, anyway. I guess it hurts a little to be left out. However, he is willing to bring his son to some of these events if he has visitation.

He told me that back when he was married, he never brought his (now ex) wife to any coworker events.

Most of his coworkers are female and while I know there's no infidelity or anything of that sort, I still wonder if there's a reason he's hiding me from his coworkers. I used to work with them so I know them, and they know me and about me, and we all work in the same field and similar settings so I don't see a reason why I'd be bored, or he'd have to babysit me.

So is it normal to always exclude your spouse or SO from coworker events?

Voting Results
13% Normal
Based on 124 votes (16 yes)
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 13 )
  • Mando
    11 years ago

    In your circumstances - no I don't think you should be excluded. You need to be less casual about it when talking to him because he seems a bit clued out that this matters and should in a marriage.

    First, you work in their field and used to work there and know them all. Second, the impression I get is that there are a LOT of events/evenings and that these people are actually friends, not just co-workers. In both instances he needs to really hear how it is somewhat hurtful and rejecting on his part to exclude you.

    Third, maybe it is time for him to change the rules and include his wife (to be). I mean weddings? Showers? Come on - these are pretty personal and family oriented for just work relations. And why couldn't he also raise having partners at the Christmas party?

    Alternately, and finally, talk to him about turning down more of the invites because it does cut into the amount of space left over for the 2 of you in current arrangements. Of course he should have his own life as should you - but not at your or his expense. And you feel short changed.

    Talk to him. Be open and reasonable. He may just want to keep some boundaries with work by keeping you out of it - which is little wonder because it's taken him over.

    But it is also reasonable - and frankly polite - to expect as someone who is his wife and sharing a life together to either have more access to the after-work stuff as part of your social life, or limit it's intrusion on what would otherwise be your matrimonial time together.

    Work as a team to decide what you go to together, what separately him only, and what gets cut back. Communication and negotiation and compromise both ways are key here IMO.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
      -
    • cw1984
      11 years ago

      Thanks for the thought-out reply. We did have a talk, and he agreed that he and I would go together to formal events (such as weddings / formal dinners, etc) and he would decline invitations on Friday nights / weekends. He declined the last 2 Saturday invites he got.

      The only thing I could really forgive is workweek dinners (his company has a high turnover rate and as of last year, the Friday-night Christmas party, as it really is employee-only (as I've seen from facebook pictures) and his boss just treats them out to a restaurant for a few hours and gives gifts. I also know that his boss insists that everyone goes (as he purposely schedules it on a day when everybody is in the office and no one is on vacation).

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    So, you are complaining because he doesn't invite someone that was not invited by the people that invited him to events?

    How selfish. They asked "him" to go, not you.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • VioletTrees
      11 years ago

      Putting "him" in quotes made your comment suddenly very ominous.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      1
      1
    • Sum1uDontKnow
      10 years ago

      "ItDuz" You obviously are not in a relationship nor should someone as self-centered and obnoxious as you are be in one. Her argument and concern is valid and appropriate. Grow up kid!

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • [Old Memory]
        10 years ago

        The very fact that you are ignorant enough to assume relationships are all the same, should be the same, or involve the same type of interactions that "you" agree with, or even the woman here agrees with shows that you have no room to talk to me, nor anyone else, about how relationships should be, because, and get this, relationships are different for everyone. Some want to be in every aspect of their partner's life, while others value the relationship, their own individuality, and their own personal lives that are not a part of the romance part of their life.

        Just because I do not agree with "her" relationship issues does not mean I would have a problem with one if I choose to be in one. However no, I am not in a relationship, by choice, because there are too many people like you in this world that thinks being in a relationship equals to forfeiting your own individuality, which doesn't attract me.

        Trying to tell me to grow up for stating that being in a relationship does not give up each person in the relationship's individuality, which extends to private gatherings and interests outside the relationship, makes your criticism of me rather ironic.

        Her "concern" may be valid, but not her argument, as I clearly stated, they invited him, not her. Her argument is destroyed by that alone.

        The day I ask for your criticism on my character will be the day I give a, excuse my French, fuck about your input, and from this one comment alone, your first ever comment on this whole entire site, I don't see the day coming where I accept your input as note-worthy, let alone criticism to take seriously.

        So before you tell someone to "grow up", just consider the idea that you might run in to someone that's going to flip it all around and put your superiority complex that makes you think you have any room to judge people in the manner you did for deviating from "your" beliefs in its respective place; a non-respectful place.

        Have a splendid day, Sum1uDontKnow.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • Sum1uDontKnow
          10 years ago

          You are absolutely right ItDuz not every relationship is the same...and by choice ok :-)haven't heard that line before...As far as my comment and/or point of view you have every right NOT to read it but guess what "you did" and yes my very first comment on this site was yours because the same reason you are having a sh** fit is the same reason I put my 50cents in when you told someone they are selfish for feeling the way they do; when relationships in itself should not have a dividing wall. But you wouldn't know that because your solo "by choice" I remember :-). Lastly your trying to be condescending but your not...I deal with individuals like you all day long and it has absolutely no effect on me what so ever. But it did you especially when sum1 told you to "grow up" sounds to me like someone has unresolved issues that need to be address within yourself. So don't get on sites like this where individuals are looking for answers and get d**** Bags like you giving your comments unless you actually give a sh**. Or in this case know what's actually being asked. k :-)

          Hope your having a great day ItDuz :-)

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          1
          1
            -
          • [Old Memory]
            10 years ago

            You admit to me being correct on my point that is a rebuttal of your point, which then makes your whole first response to me pointless as your criticism and everything else on that was a response to what my comment mentioned, implying it was wrong of me, which now is being said is not wrong of me, as you just said my point, which was a counter of yours, was correct.

            If you haven't heard people that do not have relationships by choice, then you must be living under a rock. It's actually common with a lot of people.

            Where did I say I wasn't going to read your message? I didn't say that, nor did I imply it. I said I wasn't going to take it seriously, which is something I stand by, because even now, right after admitting my point that was a point against your point was right, you still choose to be my opposition, which makes is a little clearer that you simply want someone to be your opposition, and for random reasons have thought it would be a good idea to make me that opposition, which was bad luck for you.

            "You are having a sh** fit". Do not flatter yourself. I have been told I come off as aggressive in text form, however my mood is far from it. I am an apathetic person, the most I can get from people on the internet is irritated, which you have shown to not be capable of doing. Trust me, you don't have what it takes to make me "have a shit fit".

            " I put my 50cents in when you told someone they are selfish for feeling the way they do; when relationships in itself should not have a dividing wall."

            So, you are still defending your point of view all while accepting my counter point at the start? Interesting. It seems you completely ignored the whole "Individuality" aspect of my comment, however if I have to repeat it more than I did originally, I will.
            Being in a relationship does not mean losing your individuality. You can make plans outside of relationships, and just because she wants a relationship like that does not mean he does, and her wants do not come before her partner's, just as it is the same in reverse unless is has to do with the relationship rather than their individual lives.

            "But you wouldn't know that because your solo "by choice" I remember :-)."

            So, being selfish is now a romance issue? I suppose love is exclusive to romance, too, right? -Sigh-
            Just because I choose to be single now does not mean I have not been in a relationship. If you cannot think outside the box and keep assuming things that would benefit your angle simply because you disregard possibilities in order to find some weak argument, then it is you that doesn't progress in rationality, not me.

            "Lastly your trying to be condescending but your not...I deal with individuals like you all day long and it has absolutely no effect on me what so ever."

            Once again, do not flatter yourself. You are nothing but an internet identity to me, I do not care, nor ever will consider anything to do with you other than respond to you in this message, just like I do with everyone else.

            It has no effect on you whatsoever. Again, what gives you this insane idea that I care about who interacts with you or not? I only am showing mild interest in this discussion, nothing else, a thought of you outside of this does not reach my mind. Understand this, I do not care who you interact with, I only have interest in interactions involving myself or people I like. My interaction with you here has demonstrated you bit off more than you can chew, and in no way have you shown any equaling to me in rationality here, and it shows, because the only point I made that you have addressed so far is the one you said I was right on, and the rest I am sure you also know you cannot counter, but just would hate to admit it, hence why you are not responding to the points made, simply responding to how my comments made you feel.

            It's a common tactic from people too inept to actually interact in rational discussion to try avoid talking about any of the points made and make it about the person making those points, because they think by default, if they can attack the person making the statements, then the statements by extensions receive the same image as the person stating them.
            This will not work. Understand this. I have been doing this for a while to know that you aren't capable of getting the outcome you are surely looking for here.

            Comment Hidden ( show )
            0
            0
              -
            • Sum1uDontKnow
              10 years ago

              Ok so ItDuz....For someone who doesn't care about what I said; you surely has a lot to say...Not to mention a lot of bull**** that doesn't mean anything to me :-). I don't care about nor does it effect me like you think it does. You see how long it took me to reply. Frankly because I don't care. Getting my point across is what I wanted and that's exactly what I did. This to me is fun especially to see how you get your panties in a bunch over nothing.

              Also if I wanted to know what kind of person you are...in this case an empathetic person to whom no one knows how to take or understand...I'd ask. But its not important enough for me to know or ask.

              You over the internet would be the same to me in person. A "no one" who is probably an overweight, middle age, man who is constantly on your computer--like you said "I have been doing this for a while" probably because that's the only interaction you can ever get from anybody. Get a life....I hope I didn't hurt your feelings ItDuz----but sometimes the truth hurts :-)
              ***Hope you have a great day and weekend

              Comment Hidden ( show )
              0
              0
            • [Old Memory]
              10 years ago

              "But it did you especially when sum1 told you to "grow up" sounds to me like someone has unresolved issues that need to be address within yourself."
              So you cannot show intellectual superiority, now you are doing what so many weak minded people do; trying to gain maturity superiority/emotional superiority.
              As I said, I am not irked, I am responding. If you think that such a mild comment can alter my apathetic mood, you are surely mistaken, however I have learned to know that morons will try to make delusions of anything, particularly the "u mad, bro?" scenario, assuming that someone feels a certain way, again, "assuming", because they cannot actually respond with anything in a legitimate manner.

              So in short to that little bit, sorry, but no. You have not even been able to obtain emotional superiority, and your assumptions are nothing but that; assumptions.

              "So don't get on sites like this where individuals are looking for answers and get d**** Bags like you giving your comments unless you actually give a sh**. Or in this case know what's actually being asked. k :-)"

              How about, and roll with me on this one, dear. No. Do you think I am going to just up and leave because a mentally deficient person came on here and tells me to? You think you're the first idiot to come on here thinking "Woe is me, my advice is best, yours is not because I disaprove of it!", especially when you even agreed to what was a counter to your reason to oppose my response to them? You're not the first, you won't be the last.

              You are an ignorant fool incapable of understanding how advice works. You think advice and answers are always sunny days, rainbows, with a couple of bunnies hopping over the hill. They're not. You were considering "this" person's feelings alone, not the whole situation and those in it, i.e, the boyfriend. My response was telling her that he has his own life outside the relationship, that she is selfish to think she can invade all aspects of his life, and that's advice. You would rather see it as he is wrong for keeping his individuality, which is not good advice, it is advice to make someone an abuser, you think she should not allow him to have his individuality.

              So don't come on sites like this, ones where minds far more expansive, progressive, and established than yours, trying to make them your opposition, spouting idiotic, non-thought out "advice" (if you can call it that), telling those that do have a better level of comprehension of many aspects of life, that they are wrong, otherwise you'll get people like me showing you how much of an idiot you are, then having you fall back of pathetic tactics that people already know are like the catchphrases of idiots.

              K? K.

              Pro tip: People on this site are going to eat you alive, I already took the first bite, a pretty big bite, as I have a reputation of being pretty good at debating, which perhaps you should of looked up before responding initially. However, I am a kind soul. I don't want to be the only one that gets a bite, which is why I encourage you to stay on this site, because I want to see how far you get along.

              Yes, thank you. I am having a splendid day, even got to show someone the difference between their rationality levels, and that is always fun.

              Thanks for asking, it's appreciated.

              Comment Hidden ( show )
              -1
              -1
  • MeHTa
    11 years ago

    I honestly could go on and on, so many insides to give... Bottom line is compromise. But from my experience, i would never ever again get involved with a divorced man, and certainly not with a kid. I guess i just don't understand why would anyone want other people's mistakes in their life unless they made their own...

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0