Eating disorder

I'm recovering from Anorexia and Bulimia. I am back to an ideal weight but think I'm huge after only wearing a size 1 for so long. I have taken time off from a job so I can become healthy again. In the morning I go to the gym and return home. I eat a meal instead of exercise more now when I return home. But after that meal I feel tormented. I feel huge just eating regularly. So I won't step out of the house again for the day because I am struggling emotionally about this. I only leave the next morning for the gym again. It's a boring life all consumed by fear. I usually take some OTC sleeping pill early in the afternoon because I don't want to think about how much I hate my body now. The only way I can forget is to sleep. In my mind the word healthy means "fat" and the word sick means "skinny." I'd rather be sick and too skinny sometimes. So when others tell me that I am looking healthy now I just want to die.

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26% Normal
Based on 70 votes (18 yes)
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Comments ( 23 )
  • Honey, ur not alone even when you don't see it there are so many like you. What u have to do, or fain dome confidence! Join a class for boxing swimming or belly dancing or something . see the world and the people around you. You are beautiful and never forget that ur not alone:)

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  • purplemonkeys

    I just ate some mcdonalds... HA

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  • Jesus... 5"10 110 lbs.....

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  • Wutth

    i am bulimic and i'm 5'10" weighing 110 lbs...if i don't throw up after eating a meal i feel disgusting and self concious for days after it, and i always feel as if i could be skinnier...i don't really think its normal to feel that way...but i know alot of people are like that =)

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  • I really hate to say crap like this but please bare with me.

    I REALLY WISH MY FIANCE HAD YOUR PROBLEM...for a while at least, not perminently.

    She is rather heavy and she would look absolutely stunning if she was thinner. However, I doubt I will ever see her in a size ten and I doubt she will lose the weight like I did. Thats a long story though so I won't type it now.

    Anyways, I think you are somewhat fine just a little concerned about your appearance. Work on WHO you are and not WHAT you look like and all of that other crap won't matter, honestly.

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  • sunflower

    the people that that comment horrible things make me sick! They just don't understand that these things are phycological and can't be helped, for most people anyway! some people don't just do it to become thinner, it makes you feel in control and some like the feeling of being hungry! i came on here to read what others are going through as i beleive i might be developing an eating order and not many of these comments have helped me at all!!

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  • funnymoney

    First off get back to work or even better back into treatment. You did not take time to "get healthy again" you are giving your time and life, BACK to the disease! You now have more time to focus on your "flaws" and be isolated. Why would you allow the disease to suck you back in when you have already made it this far! You can do this! Defeat this negative thinking once and for all.

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    • artistic

      Dear insensitive know it all, before you come to any preconceived notions...I have been in treatment and I do work. In fact I own my own business. Thanks for assuming the worst!

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      • artistic

        It's been almost a year since I posted this and am in recovery one day at a time. Are you on here to torment and have nothing better to do? I notice that most encourage but many like you have it engraved inside you nothing but lies about this disease....maybe you ought to do some research!

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  • littlegirl0

    I'm the same. I think it's normal.

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  • sunshinekiss77

    oh my, that is sad.
    i think that you just need to realize that you would not want to die rather than to be fat. look at all the fat people out there. are they really that bad? theyr nice and loving and have people that love them. its not a bad thing to be fat. its a bad thing to be obese just like it is to be too skinny. but you need to find the median. too little water is bad for you but so is too much. there is such a thing as a balanced amount. and you need to be healthy. if that means you need to be "fat" in your mind, then so be it, but no one else thinks your fat. its kindof selfish of you to do that. in ways at least. dont think about yourself so much, think about others. not what they think of you just what they think in general. they dont pay that much attention to you. if your fat, they dont care, they see many fat people a day, and they dont notice or pay attention to it at all!

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  • Lehcar

    When I tell someone they look healthy I mean that THEY LOOK HEALTHY. Looking healthy is ATTRACTIVE. Looking sickly IS NOT! HEALTHY=ATTRACTIVE. IT's in our genetics to want to mate with HEALTHY looking people to yeild healthy babies. HEALTHY=ATTRACTIVE, SICKLY=GROSS get away from me bubonic plauge bitch!

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  • hotchickie81

    I know how you feel. Often, I feel liek I would rather be sick and skinny than healthy and "normal." In January 2009, I was a size 9. I am now a 5, and sometimes I fit into a 3, and it makes me so happy. But people are telling me I look sick and that I'm too thin. I would LOVE to lose more weight are fit into a size 1. I think I'm really messed up... (oh yeah, I'm 5'8")

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  • CalvinNHobbes

    You are full of it. Get help before you get kidney stones. You probably don't have any real female role models but only those slutty coke heads on tv and magazines. Grow up and eat. Food is good. Good luck.

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  • hannahxowants

    Most women have this problem in different ways.

    I do.

    You just have to remember things are almost never as they seem.

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  • jillian

    i used to be anorexic/bulimic too.

    the urge to starve/purge never really goes away, so ive learned to resist it... what helped me stop was going to the mental hospital (but NOT an edu), where i was fed and watched after meals... while i was there i got to talk a lot about shit that was driving me to not eat, and regain my stomach size, because at first i couldnt eat... when i got out i didnt have meals, but i snacked on light foods about 7 times a day... i also took antidepressants, and they helped me control some of the things that were causing the eating disorder(s).

    personally, i think it is a REALLY bad idea to do the 3-meals a day thing. for me anyway, it made me develop just more eating routines, and that didnt help. i like spontaneous eating, as long as its not junk food, because that makes me feel yucky.

    once in a while i get the urge to just stop eating, but that is usually when im really depressed, and i get really critical of my body.

    when i quit trying to have an eating disorder (i threw away my mirror and my scale) things got a little easier... but hang in there. the shit sucks.

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  • Sweet_peaches101

    hey I'm 5ft 2in and roughly 97 pounds
    I starve myself because i was told Many MANY Times by my Dad and Little Sister that I Was A FAT BITCH and I Needed to go on a diet.
    so now i'm too skinny and it's almost disgusting because i look sickly and Weak and it's not favorible.. and don't worry you can't be fat if joke around with yourself when your eating.. Be like Im going to be a House someday lalala And laugh with yourself about it don't put yourself down Anymore Kay ?!

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  • emilyf

    If you don't think you are fat, then why do you do that to yourself?

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  • See I really don't understand what you are going through because even though I am consciously aware that people watch me and judge me sometimes it matters but usually it doesn't to me. I go through my day to day routine sometimes without applying make-up and sometimes dressing like a hippie, and just being myself. I eat whatever the hell I want and I'm 130 pounds, I guess to you that is fat, but I don't care. I don't get why people don't understand you need to eat vegetables and fruits and drink juice. Why can't you consider becoming a vegetarian, atleast you wouldn't look as skinny as a pole then? I like food too much to give it up so I can look like whatever some stupid, cocky, rich loser wants who will never be what I want and never care about me or my dreams.

    I don't know how old you are, but if you are young then I suggest you go travel and see the world and see all the real and natural beauty you can find so you can see for yourself that it doesn't matter what's on the outside, because beauty is never skin deep.

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    • artistic

      I'm 32 and no I am not some little 14 year old. I was a missionary at one point in life and yes, I have been around the world and back. It has nothing to do with my image and all to do with emotional issues. I am 130 pounds now and no I don't think it's fat. But I can see why you have the name violent1odencies

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      • I'm sorry I didn't mean to come across as being rude, but I just think this is also caused by our culture and how women are portrayed. Just try a healthy way of eating, like the raw veggie and fruit diet or something with 3 square meals per day even if they are small then you would probably be more happier and go out and do things instead of just going to gym in the morning.

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  • Anasule

    I wonder if you feel tormented after eating because you are eating to much all at once have you tried eating more regularly but in smaller amounts.

    The sleeping pills are a bad habit that you need to do away with as fast as you can, you should look into ways to fix the problem rather than ways to avoid it.

    I would focus on trying to be somewhere in-between "sick" and "healthy" you can remain thin but keep your weight up, if you stick with the exercise and eat properly as mussel weighs more than fat.

    Have you tried speaking to people about this, explain to them that bringing your weight up all the time makes you feel negatively about yourself?

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    • artistic

      Thank you. A nice reply! I'll read yours. Yes, I have talked to many people in my family, gone to a treatment center and have couseled about it but I get on track for a while then I start to slip again.

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