Dumped unfairly

57% Normal

I'll try to keep this as short as possible without excluding any details in this.
I never thought I'd be one of these people to write a post like this but here we go:

I'm a female, sex addict and diagnosed with ADHD since the age of five. In a relationship I'm the needy, clingy and jealous one in combination with an endless love, support and affection.

Seeing as I am aware of my flaws I try to work them out and constantly tell my current boyfriend that it's actually not him, it's me who have these issues.

Back to topic, my last relationship went on for 12 months and two weeks. He was aware of my issues but dealt with them quite well (I think it was because all the weed he smoked made him relaxed and really easy going)
we had planned our future together and he was about to get his drivers license and move in with me . He said I was the first girl he saw a future with.

A week before he dumped me I broke down and told him that I suspected that he'd grow tired of my mood-swings. He seemed to be very sad (tears) but told me it was going fine.

Him saying that comforted me because lately we have had a bit of a rough patch due to the fact that he works for his dad and he had been forced to work VERY much over-time which made him a bit more grumpy.

I obviously accepted this explanation of him being tired and a bit more in need of personal space but I made sure to tell him frequently to NOT accept to work over-time without even getting compensation for it.

So a few days passed, we hung out once more after that talk and he was exhausted and not really in the mood to have sex but he sacrificed himself for me. Then we met up again the on a Friday and he was yet again tired so I just gave him a blow-job and we went to bed.

So Saturday passed, I was at home because he waas forced to work anyway so plans were that I was to return later when work had settled down ...
So at 2 am in the middle of the night a message from him appears that shattered my world.

Apparently he had been having doubts for two months, this while we had even been looking at apartments ...
I have NOT been pressuring him with any of this, he was also eager to move in with me to get away from his parents and silly me even allowed him to grow Weed at my place if he moved in with me.

So the question is basically: Who in their right fucking mind can see someone nearly every day and pretend that everything is fine?
Why not ask for space? Keep me informed?

My theories are that reality hit up on him, he wants to stay at home and spend his pay-check on weed rather than adult stuff.

A side note to this is that his cousins daughter who's in our age dumped her boyfriend a week before he dumped me and I know he had a thing for her (He told me)

What do we make out of this?

Voting Results

57% Normal

Based on 35 votes (20 yes)

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Comments ( 12 )

[Old Memory]

9 years ago

The last sentence about him having a thing for his cousin and possibly leaving you for her was the most disturbing detail of this post.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Yeah ... I went: Ah well now you and A can have rebound sex :D
  He didn't enjoy that.
  
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CountessDouche

9 years ago

I know the feeling! When anyone hurts you, be it a friend, lover, family member, the immediate question is WHY? As if any response would be good enough, as if it would provide you with some satisfying answer, as if, after you badger them enough, the other party could finally say something so terrible that you can just feel angry instead of crushed.

Problem is, if he answers your questions, it still won't be good enough. He could say he had feelings for this other girl, but you will still want to know WHY. Why he didn't tell you, why you aren't good enough, why this other girl is more attractive. WHY WHY WHY. You'll never find an answer that alleviates your feelings, sadly.

I guess you just have to accept the fact that somewhere along the lines his feelings changed, and doing that is tough, but I don't think getting to the bottom of it will lessen your hurt.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Thanks for your reply! The thing that bugs me is just how he could go on for these two months and continue to discuss our future together with me and try to act as if things was fine.
  Wouldn't the normal thing to do be to distance yourself a bit once doubts appear?
  
  But I get your point too, would still have been nice to get the FULL story from him and I have been dealing with this in a mature way and let him be. If he didn't answer my questions the first two times there's no point in continuing to bug him.
  
  I'm already moving on but the questions and pain is still present.
  
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mystery7

9 years ago

Put it behind you. It's over. Find someone better.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Please look at the date for this post.
  
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scullyfbi

9 years ago

He did not speak up all of that time instead of asking for space out of concern for YOU. How would YOU take it.

For some reason, probably after lots of talk with another person, maybe his father, he just broke that emotional logjam and sent the text. Probably not appropriate at all but it was all he was able to do.

This guy was realizing that the core of the relationship was him as your therapist. This is not a working basis for a relationship that should be equal between friends and lovers.

You need a third party to be your therapist for these emotions that you do recognize already. These are real issues that you can't treat yourself.
Do not rely on a friend and lover for your therapy and
treatment. It is not fair and won't work.

So find a way to get support and help for your issues apart from forming close friendships and relationships. If you do that sooner than later, you might even rekindle something--- the guy stayed a long time, he cared so much he held back opening up on his own feelings to you, (heck he likely regrets sending the phone message but could not face you) so there could be a chance there if you don't use him as your therapist anymore.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  I had to re-read my old post because I did not mention that I am actually relying a lot on friends and lovers for my issues but maybe you have experienced others with ADHD and know we tend to be a hand-full?
  
  I enjoyed your reply, it was probably the most constructive I got and now that this is old news I can read it with a really sober mind.
  
  He did sent the text after hanging out with two of his close friends so I have no doubt that something that night pushed the decision.
  
  And a couple of weeks after this he texted me asking to meet up and clean the air because HE was sad about it and wanted to try and explain himself. ( During this time we had only been in touch to exchange our personal things)
  
  At that time I wasn't really up for it, I had started to move on and meeting up with him would ruin my progress so I said I needed to think and that he could tell me what he wanted to in text.
  There he claimed that the reason why he ended it was because he could not take my sex-addiction any-more
  
  Something that I had not heard about being that much of an issue up until that point. Seeing as he was stoned most of the time I also do not think that he was THAT bugged about me ventilating about personal issues with him but you are absolutely right that I do need a third party.
  
  The main issue is that when I met the guy that I am seeing now I knew I had to do something because the issue is quite frankly me. So I reached out to finally start with therapy for my mood-swings and have actually for the first time in my life considered medications for it. But now it has been roughly 3 months, the queue is quite long and since I don't self-harm or is suicidal I don't expect to get a notification any time soon.
  
  This said, dumping someone without asking them to seek therapy or ask for space is still shitty. People these days rather run than trying to fix their issues and in my world you do not love someone as much as you should do if you are willing to just end it over something that might have been an easy fix.
  
  I do not wish to get my ex back, I think I have found something that might turn out to be really perfect but for this to me something that lasts I need to focus on myself and my less good behaviours.
  
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gorillaphant

9 years ago

No, you were not unfairly dumped. Your boyfriend clearly cares for you and thought long and hard about what he was doing. Would tou prefer he ran and the first thought of livibg with you? Or better, moved in and your relationship takes a turn for the worse and your stuck sharing space with someone who doesnt want to be with you. No, I daresay that was the easiest and kindest breakup you could have received.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  But to think about this for two months whilst STILL continuing to plan our future together with me? I can't deal very well with double signals.
  Last time we saw one another he ordered pricey lingerie for me for the first time ...And to go from that to just cut me off?
  No.
  
  But still, you do have a point.
  
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NiniCool

9 years ago

:(

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  People sucks and that's basically all there is too it I guess.
  
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Dumped unfairly