Dollar store tp wrecked my ass!!

71% Normal
23 Comments

I was desperate. I was low on funds. I had to go to the dollar store to buy a few needed items to tide me over. One of those items was toilet paper.

What could be the harm? I usually use the one-ply Scotts knock-off store brand stuff anyway so I'm not used to ultra TP comfort. My ass should be able to take anything you throw at it!! It should be calloused, even. Or so I thought.

Might I say, this turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life!!

This toilet paper could probably be used as low grit sandpaper if it had the ability to hold together at all. When I got a shower that day, I had clumps of giant TP dingleberries all over my ass crack!!

My ass crack was ablaze for days. I walked funny. I was chapped, chafed, and abraded. Most of all, I was sorry for what I had done to my asshole.

WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST LOOKED IN THE COUCH CUSHIONS AND FOUND AN EXTRA BUCK AND GOT A BETTER BRAND?? WHYYYYYYYY?????

I could've even put back that fourth 4 Loko, but noooooooo!!!!

After all these years of faithful and honorable service, why did my asshole deserve this?

How can this stuff be for sale as TP? It's clearly not fit for human use.

Dollar store TP, is it normal for it to make your asshole feel just like that newly imprisoned guy's asshole who just dropped the soap, and also leave about the same amount of white crust stuff all over it?

Voting Results
71% Normal
Based on 52 votes (37 yes)
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Comments ( 23 )
  • dirtybirdy
    11 years ago | pl

    Some things you just don't go cheap on

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    • NotFloydzie
      11 years ago

      Exactly.

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  • the_misty_haze
    11 years ago | pl

    Your poor neglected asshole. Cottenelle is where its at. Delightful ripples for the finest clean feeling and soothing aloe which would leave the most abused asshole all aglow with aloey aloe-ness. Your poor bum. My asshole sends its deepest most sincere sympathies. May you heal quickly and never be subjected to the horrors of dollar store toilet paper again.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      I had to use baby diaper rash ointment!! Never store that next to your Ben Gay though, that's a BIG mistake.

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      • the_misty_haze
        11 years ago

        I've been poor before lol. I related to the story. Its not.....dollar store rash ointment is it? If so the Ben gay might have been a better choice. And no I'm not joking I used to work daycare and I cheap stuff burns sore bottoms. A&D though will heal you overnight. Lol so my young padewan the lesson today is cottonelle+ a&d( for the occasional fluke= equals happy assholes. In fact if I was going to make a commercial plugging these two products together the asshole featured in the commercial would sing at the end.

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    • davesumba
      10 years ago

      love dem ripples.

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    • foxyk
      11 years ago

      LOL great reply hahh

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  • Thatguy777
    11 years ago

    This is probably the funniest fucking story I have ever read in my LIFE!!!!!

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  • Captain_Kegstand
    11 years ago

    Hell I just steal TP from the bathroom at work. I haven't paid for TP in months!

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  • ChocolateBunny
    11 years ago

    What he fuck did I just read?

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  • jondoerandom
    11 years ago

    What the fuck did you expect? some things you just don't buy at dollar store. That and condoms, lol.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Like I said, I thought it was the same shit, just a different label. Lesson learned.

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  • FreDraken
    11 years ago

    Well, for people with this problem, here's something to look forward to if you ever have a big win at the Friday night poker game or the Indian casino

    After having some extended unpleasant butthole irritations I blamed on bad food and bad TP, I went deluxe and spent $249 bucks by ordering a Biffie with a water warmer attachment.

    A Biffie ( www.biffie.com ) is a bidet gizmo that bolts onto your toilet. (See the videos) That's $149 if you get the steel one (highly recommended) Then add another $99 if you want the Biffie water warmer attachment. (Great for those cold 4am winter bathroom trips in cooler climates. A shout out to Fargo and Grand Forks)

    I heartily recommend this gadget. No more butthole irriations and it's gonna last you many years and will save you most of your TP money as well. Your gf or wife will LOVE it as well, I guarantee it.

    BTW, I do NOT work for or with Biffie . My bro got one when he was very sick and I got to try it.

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  • TheBunnie
    11 years ago

    Just to let you know, I instantly had to favorite this story.

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  • Boo!
    11 years ago

    This is why I never buy TP from the dollar store. Sometimes cheap cant give you quality. Tsk-tsk Well look at the bright side its better that it happened earlier than later now you know what not to get from the dollar store. XD Lesson learned.

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  • Jessie735513
    11 years ago

    Haha.. I can relate- when I lived in halls the communal toilets had cheapy cheap stuff. Going home and using normal loo roll felt like such luxury by comparison!

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  • NocturnePonyFan
    11 years ago

    Oh man, can I relate...

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  • Shackleford96
    11 years ago

    I appreciate the humor you included in this poll :)

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  • Avant-Garde
    11 years ago

    Never buy essentials from a dollar store.

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  • Cuntsiclestick
    11 years ago

    Most if the items in the dollar store in my town aren't meant for human use. The binders fall apart, the erasers don't erase, the makeup dries out, the food is almost expired, and the toilet paper breaks apart as soon as it touches an ass. I was better off taking off one of my socks and using it.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Yeah some of their stuff is pure awesome for just a dollar, like the mini air horns, but 90% of it is just shit. I never knew it was this bad though. Now I know to never buy any body-type products.

      I've bought $1 TP from the non-dollar cheapo stores like Family Dollar and it was fine so I guess I had the same expectations. I figured it came from the same factory just had a different label. How wrong I was!!

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  • BigScaryRooster
    11 years ago

    Never use dollar store toilet paper. It clogs toilets.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Probably chafes on the way down too. Poor toilet.

      Yeah you don't have to tell me to never use it again. Trust me.

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