Do i end things or not? if so, how do i do so with minimal damage?

9 Comments

My boyfriend will be going to China for a year at the beginning of next month and I know I can't trust myself to be sexually monogamous (Maybe emotionally, but even that I'm not sure about).

I am seriously considering ending things with him (but have yet to work up the guts - or is it cowardice? - to do so).
We're going to see something at the theatre as I know how to get cheaper tickets and both of us have said we need to discuss what the next year will mean for us.
I reckon we'll discuss the issue at the end of the day together.

I've been in LDRs before (including one where he and I were apart for a year a part of our degrees). He asked about being engaged within 6 monthds of the relationship because he thought I/we would be be more committed than if we were "just" boyfriend and girlfriend.

The only problem is that this is the best relationship I have ever had - so far - and I know that if I were to end things, there would almost certainly be no going back to him.

The main problem I feel we have is that our beliefs don't really gel at all (although we do complement each other well in may other ways a lot of the time, I think).

I always feel my hackles rise when he talks about Christianity as I'm so positive that if I don't watch out I'll end up being converted before I know it and acting as extreme as all the other Christians I've witnessed.

I've written other posts and questions about him, our relationship and religion (especially Christianity) on here, if you'd like more background info.

Yes 7
No 2
:| 1
Other ....? (!!) 1
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 9 )
  • plum6
    11 years ago

    How the hell did this become a discussion about religious beliefs? Whatever religion one has it is simply not a decent move to cheat on a person.

    Sex shouldn't even be the main issue, if someone would be too emotionally intimate with another person when it comes to non-sexual actions such as proclaiming their love or desire to be more intimate with a third-party while in a relationship is simply wrong and unethical.

    I understand that it is a difficult step to take, but if you feel like you are likely to lose your 'heart' to someone else when abroad it is not fair to keep your current partner in the dark about this just because you want to avoid the same thing happening the the other-way around.

    You cannot make your partner commit to you if you are not sure about your own intentions. Even if you would be perfectly fine being involved with someone else, but would hate to see your current partner do the same and you see a way out by making her commit while you are away is a sin to me no matter what (if any) religion you practice.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
      -
    • BlueAlice
      11 years ago

      We've both decided to take a break from each other.
      However, we've still talked nearly every day since we broke up.

      I'm about the only one he seems to feel able to talk to late at night right now as his parents both work in schools and his little brother - who was also out in China teaching kids a couple of years before him - was unsympathetic to say the least.
      However, he's fresh off the train, won't have internet for a few days and has just moved into his accommodation.

      In all honesty, I was the less respectful of beliefs out of us two by a very long shot.

      He's never said anything nasty about atheists, but he has been very encouraging of me to find and discover Christianity.

      I've signed up for a dating website and said I'm interested in casual sex, BUT...

      a)I don't know whether to mention any flings to him or anyone else (if I do have them and we're definitely not together any more)
      b)I live with my parents and I know you need to practise safe hooking-up (if you do do it), but how do you keep yourself safe and follow what is and isn't allowed at home?!
      c) Most importantly, I think it feels too soon to be experimenting [Simple answer, DON'T DO IT!]... but I do still want to give hooking up a try before I get too old to do it.

      Welp, maybe all I can do is take things one day at a time and get some toys for now.

      I know for sure I don't want to date for now and I suspect I might have rebound feelings, but that's all.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • plum6
        11 years ago

        I don't believe that being interested in casual sex is a sin or a sign of your soul not being pure. It is normal to feel the urge to experiment and gain experience in this and many other aspects of life. As long as you consider and respect the boundaries that have undoubtedly been imprinted in your conscience by the environment you have been raised in, as well as your natural instinct, you should be 'safe' both spiritually as well as practically.

        However, purposely not informing someone that cares for you regarding your intentions and needs is a very unfair and selfish attitude towards him. If you would share your feelings with him and he would turn his back on you without hesitation he probably did not suit you in the first place (He probably did at first, but if you feel like evolving while he doesn't it is only logical for you to grow apart.

        However, it could very wel be that during and after this new phase in life this other person actively remains involved with you without judging you, he might very well be a winner.

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • BlueAlice
          10 years ago

          The third scenario came true.

          Me and him in China video-called each other for the first time since he went out there on Chirstmas Day. Without a shadow of a doubt, it was the best Christmas present of that year and I realised that I do still love him, and clearly he still did me.

          I was with the second of two hookups for the last time a couple of days before New Years Eve. He taught me a lot of things about myself sexually (Which was one thing I wanted), but I could never actually be friends with him (I took the term 'friends with benefits' literally and tried being actual friends with him).

          In the end, I 'dumped' him just a few days before his 30th birthday and haven't seen anyone since then.

          I started a new job in March. My libido - for the main part - has gone right down. There are a few moments where I still fantasise
          As for China and I... we're still very close and I reckon we always will be. He's out in China again for another year (but at a university rather than teaching primary school kids) and we're seeing each other in Hong Kong in January.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
    • BlueAlice
      11 years ago

      Thank you for your answer - I'll respond to it properly later

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
  • Sog
    11 years ago

    It doesn't really matter who's a hypocrite, a christian, who has faults, or whatever. Unless you have a mutual agreement, it's never going to work. You can't just rationalize this away.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
  • Sog
    11 years ago

    You're asking us if it's OK for you to have sex with other men while your BF is in China?

    You can't have your cake and eat it too. One guy at a time. If you're not mature enough to realize that, then maybe you're not ready to be in ANY relationship right now.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • shade_ilmaendu
      11 years ago

      She didn't ask that. She said she was worried about that happening so she wants to end things so as to not be a cheater. And it sounds like they're having some differences of interest that may be more important than LDR for a year.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      1
      1
        -
      • peterr
        10 years ago

        She should suck him off and swallow and you should do the same for me. End of problem and you will be in love!

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        -1
        -1