Care to read and judge a poem ?

29 Comments

Time swirls out of control
I seem to loose grip on everything I once thought to own
I walked so fine long ago
now on every step I stagger
I saw myself in the mirror as a blinded man
and now I tend to look away
make believe that im okay
simple things that cloud my head
they pour onto me
make me drown
cant seem to escape my own destructive ways
so ironic that a man with such a gentle heart
can do such cruel deeds
good intentions
but bad things
make believe I make pretend because I once believed on every lie we all said.
-Aless

I like it and I shall now comment. 4
Post another. 8
Nah. 13
Its coo. 19
I like it. 20
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Comments ( 29 )
  • NotFloydzie
    11 years ago

    I liked it. Post another. I want to read another one.

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  • Aless
    11 years ago

    lol just so you guys know i came up with that in like 2-3 mins i just wanted to see if i could pop up with something decent :)
    thanks for the reading I'll post one better and also a HAPPY one lol

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  • Dad
    11 years ago

    Well done.
    I would have liked the sentences to align better. ie possibly making two short lines into one.

    eg
    simple things that cloud my head
    they pour onto me
    make me drown

    Could have been:
    simple things that cloud my head
    pour onto me and make me drown

    Anyway, MUCH better than the last poem I read on this forum, by about 100x

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  • nobleserpent
    11 years ago

    And now may I present to you- Ozymandias.

    I met a traveler from an antique land
    Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
    Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
    Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
    And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
    Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
    Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
    The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
    And on the pedestal these words appear:
    “My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
    Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
    Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
    Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
    The lone and level sands stretch far away.

    I realize that this will get deleted very quickly as it doesn't pertain to your Thread but I felt it belonged here. Sorry if I stole your Thunder. That wasn't my intention :P

    Op, that was really good. I encourage you to continue on in your Art and see where it takes you.

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    • Avant-Garde
      11 years ago

      You're talented:) A round of applause to the noble serpent!

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      • nobleserpent
        11 years ago

        Thank you Avant-Garde, I'm flattered that you'd say that.

        But I don't want to mislead you- This wasn't my Poem. It was written by another about 200 years ago :P

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    • GuessWho
      11 years ago

      Fuck. You just made me feel like I'm back in school.

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      • nobleserpent
        11 years ago

        Why you're as intellectual as LeBron James!

        But just yesterday afternoon you told me you loved Ozymandias and that I should share it with the world.

        We've had this conversation 6 times now...

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        • GuessWho
          11 years ago

          There's no way I'd love that poem after all those English Literature exams it came up in at school.

          At this point it makes me sick.

          It's a good thing I had my wank before signing in here, this would have totally killed the mood.

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          • nobleserpent
            11 years ago

            You must be joking. You did say you loved Ozymandias.

            Are you feeling okay right now?

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  • peterrabbyt3
    7 years ago

    Do you suck cock?

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    i like it its not bad

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  • MR>E
    11 years ago

    i felt this it seemed to describe me in a way

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  • Santan'sdaughter
    11 years ago

    Well done i really really like might not know what you fully mean but get the hints. But i really like it'

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  • Aless
    11 years ago

    i have posted another poem :)

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  • GoldLion
    11 years ago

    Love it. More.

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  • Avant-Garde
    11 years ago

    I like it. Please post another.

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  • beastie
    11 years ago

    Can't poetry EVER be happy????

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    • Avant-Garde
      11 years ago

      It can...

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  • Aleks85
    11 years ago

    It was a piece of shit wrapped in a piece of shit tortilla.

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    • Dad
      11 years ago

      How poetic!

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      • Aleks85
        11 years ago

        Haha thanks Dad.

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        • Aless
          11 years ago

          show me better :)

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  • GuessWho
    11 years ago

    Better than the last one at least.

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  • Shackleford96
    11 years ago

    I found it interesting. A little depressing, contemplative, and reminiscent, but altogether not too bad. I enjoyed it.

    Post more please :)

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  • Corleone
    11 years ago

    I think you could improve the second and the sixteenth line.

    Personally, I'd change 'everything' with 'all' or something. Gives the poem more of a flow, you know?

    Other than that, I was pleasantly surprised. I clicked this poll thinking it'd be amateur garbage, but it's actually quite good. Poetry is definitely a hobby you should maintain.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    Above average.

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  • bananaface
    11 years ago

    It's alright.

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  • anti-hero
    11 years ago

    I think it is very good.

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