Can i fix my issues with my mom? iin?

22 Comments

Before I start if you have any additional questions about the situation you can ask me in comments. Me and my mom I guess it's sort of a love hate relationship. I love my mom and I think she love me too, I hope she does. Unfortunatly, I am not sure of that because she always sent mixed signals while I was growing up. I am twenty by the way. My mom raised me and my brother alone becauze my father was mentally ill and unable to help. I guess that could explain how she treated me and my bro when we were younger. I was i guess a bad kid , I loved to make noise ,mess up the house and aggravate my mom. At that time she was a single mom recently immigrated , recently started university again and unemployed and taking care of an ill husband (who cheated on her countless time), so i think the stress might have gotten to her head and she just lost it , i guess. I can remember growing up with all the nicknames my mom gave me evil,cold hearted child,demon,monster or when she cursed me and told me she prayed for my life to just be awful and to be doomed with such bad child like myself. Oddly, even if she said all that I was the first one she would turn to when she had to vent about her life, the first one she would talk to about my fathers countless infidelities ,about how she feels she failed her life the moment she married him, how she felt he destroyed her inside and how she felt her life didnt turn out to be like she wanted it and all. I remember my mom being so unstable she beg for pity by crying shredding her clothes and kneeling when I guess I said or did things who upset her. I know that sometimes I might of been wrong but when she used to do that(kneeling) i was between 8 and 12 what could I have done that made her react like that, was I really the incarnation of the devil? She did also use to punish me with a belt too ,but sincerly physical punishment wasn't so bad compare to all the otjer stuff. Yet, I do remember my mom to be also a considerate mother she did my homework with me, made my lunches, told me she loved me sometimes ,gave nicknames like sweetheart and etc. motivated me to keep up with school and taugth me that I must work my butt off if I hope to get anything if I failed she helped me with her knowledge(particulary in french). Now I am 20 and I am stuck in that love hate relationship with my mom. I hate her for what she did I cant bring myself to forgive her but I want to only love her to be able to stop resenting her to start over or something but it just don't seemed to work? What should I do,how can I fix this? I am just so lost.

yes,totally 9
no,it's too late 4
there may be hope... 18
I don't know 4
Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!
[ Report Post ]
Comments ( 22 )
  • flowergirl87
    10 years ago

    Don't know how easy it is to approach your mum in terms of talking about things. But I think you guys need to talk. You need to be honest with her about how the situation when you were younger made you feel (and still makes you feel). But make sure you tell her you want to talk so that you guys can have a better relationship and make sure you tell her that you realise she had a lot to deal with. You don't want her feeling like you're just criticising how she behaved. You also need to make it obvious that you recognise how it must have been hard for her and that you appreciate the good things she did too. If your mum is prone to being volatile or to taking things personally, this will be a bit of a mission! You will know more about what she's like. I just think a frank and honest discussion is the only starting point really. I would make very clear to her that, as an adult, you now understand the pressure and stress she must have been under (something you didn't realise as a child). Good luck, I think you could work towards a better r'ship. All is not lost.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    2
    2
      -
    • twinklesstar
      10 years ago

      Thanks ! Do you have advice to avoid getting too emotinal, because my talks with her always ends up with a fight or an argument because of emotions I can't really keep my cool unfortunatly.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • flowergirl87
        10 years ago

        Hmm... tricky! Maybe see this as an opportunity to practise keeping your cool a bit more. It's something that really matters to you, so perhaps you'll actually surprise yourself. Maybe you could even be honest and say at the start - "I think we need to have a talk and I will try to keep my cool but you know how I find that hard to do." Then you've been honest and hopefully your mum will respect you for it. I don't think you can exactly plan how the talk will go but rather just see how it goes and try your best to keep calm. If you've tried your best, then you can say to yourself that you tried. If it gets too heated, perhaps be the one to say - "I'm sorry but we need to cool off for a bit" and walk away. Even if it's just for twenty minutes. It must seem scary but approaching the issue/s is more productive than burying your head in the sand. I think the sooner you attempt to talk, the better. You probably won't discuss everything at once but a start would be positive. Even if it ends in a row, at least you will have 'broken the ice' in a way?

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        1
        1
          -
        • twinklesstar
          10 years ago

          Ill take that advice and try to break the ice like you said. Whatever happens happens I guess.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
  • Short4Words
    10 years ago

    Hang in there, don't give up on it.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    2
    2
      -
    • twinklesstar
      10 years ago

      Thanks

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
  • Vato
    10 years ago

    I thing Your mother was young and under too much stress. Young parents make many mistakes in raising their kids, especially if they're having hard times. Your mother does love you and I'm sure she's sorry for the way she treated you. She hasn't apologized because she's ashamed for the way she behaved. Forgive her and move on. Someday, she will tell you when notices that you love her. Both of you can't live in doubt about loving each other. I'm sure she also thinks you hate her because you still remember and haven't let go.
    Best of luck to you

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    1
    1
      -
    • twinklesstar
      10 years ago

      I understand what you say but I just can't bring myself to be the biggest person and forgive her. In the past ,I though I had forgiven her but i realise over time that there's a reason I get annoyed more easily when she's there or when she does something. I basicly just act like a brat most of the time with her and do obvious mistake by acting out . I get emotional and can't seem to control it in her presence. It sucks because I am just not use to be unable to not have that self control.How can i overcome that?

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
  • Seustewart
    10 years ago

    Seustewart AT LIVE DOT com:
    If u need to talk. :)

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • Seustewart
    10 years ago

    As long as she's living a lie, nothing will change unfortunately. As far as the church is concerned, I'm not suggesting exposing anything. I honestly feel that the right church can help a person feel better. I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual and I've found solace in a good Protestant when needed. They seem to take it more seriously than us Catholics who think we can do whatever we want, then go to church on Sunday and everything's ok. That's hypocrisy in my eyes. Sorry I got off topic. :)

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • Seustewart
    10 years ago

    Find a good church. That could help.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • twinklesstar
      10 years ago

      Ummm the last thing my mom would do is expose our issues to church, to be that perfect family in the eyes of the world is what my mother wants. If she have to decided between my emotional well being and looking good in front of others she would choose the latter.theres nothing more important than appereances for her.Except when it concern my father never acted like she had a once of love for him.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
  • twinklesstar
    10 years ago

    I guess I wasn't clear on my dad situation. He wasn't mental ill when she married him, at that time he was normal. When she married him many people where againts it because of the big age difference something like 20 years or something but she didn't litsen and married him. My father wasn't a bad man ( thats why she must have fell in love with him) but as an husband he was simply terrible , guess his main problem is that he was really frivolous when it came to women, marriage( if he married you it mean nothing ) and money. But something sorta happened to my father shortly after I was born and he started losing it to the point that he became seriously mentally ill ( at that moment he couldn't cheat on ber because he only became the shadow of what he once was couldn't work anymore couldn't think clearly anymore etc.). For my mom I do believe she lost it but its seems more like a psychological trauma .She doesn't remember shredding her clothes crying begging , doesn't remember half of what she said just doesn't remember how bad she was .she claims she doesn't remember the things she did to the point she doubts my claims . I don't know if she just prefered to lie or she really did forget but her acting like that piss me off too. If i was an only child I would be doubting myself thinking that I am the one who lost it ,that I invented all of that. I would be forever trusting my mom and accepting that I must be the bad one. But thankgod I am not an i only child , my brother there too he saw what my mom did and he also have my version of the events. Seriously i'm just tired of all this but I can't just abandon her but at the same time I can't act like nothing happened and forgive someone who prefer avoiding/forgetting everything even if doing so just push me against a wall .

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
  • imacomputer
    10 years ago

    I voted there may be hope. Why?
    If you can come to the conclusion that your mom may have a mental disorder herself.
    Why would she of been attracted to your dad in the first place?
    If this turns out to true, you MIGHT be able to forgive her a little bit.

    Otherwise, she sounds really immature for passing the anger about her decisions onto you.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • twinklesstar
      10 years ago

      I don't get the why would she have been attracted to your father part and not to sure I understand the part about the conclusion that'll make me forgive her a little bit. Sorry about that, but can you explain it to me ?

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • imacomputer
        10 years ago

        "Birds of a feather, flock together"

        (ie. the mom and dad in the OP's story)

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
  • Seustewart
    10 years ago

    Does she get along with ur brother?

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • twinklesstar
      10 years ago

      My mom and my brother don't get along at all. he hates her thats a fact as for her I don't know if she hates him but I am sure she doesn't have much respect for him as an individual.I heard my mom whisper many times" he is just like his father" and Its a fact that my mother doesnt think to highly of my father. I am not sure if he knows about her saying that or if she told him that to his face or not. But ,My mother treats my brother differently that she treats me . She doesnt treat neither me or him better than the other its simply different. For me she can say I am cold and conninving and give me way too much credit I guess.but she would never see him like that or think that way about him. For example, if A says: B is such a wonderful child soconsiderate of others , he would never hurt a soul because he cares so much. Its not the same then A saying: B is an idiot who doesn't understand anything ,he couldn't hurt a fly. My mom view my brother like A in the second part of the example. She just puts him down don't give him worth . My mom will do alot of things for my brither not out of love but simply because she thinks he cant do it himself.

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0
        -
      • Seustewart
        10 years ago

        She definitely has anger issues. It could be that she despises your dad and she's constantly reminded by have you kids around. Sounds like she's just angry at how her life is right now. Maybe she needs a boyfriend and I'm not saying that to try and be funny. Maybe she needs a hobby. Does she have many friends? Real friends?

        Comment Hidden ( show )
        0
        0
          -
        • twinklesstar
          10 years ago

          She started to have some friend ,she told me about that gym buddy she's got at work and about some people she started to talk to. I was suprise about that since she never really talked about friends before except for old friends that were really far away in another continent or something. Has for having a lover I think it might be possible now, since my father died some of her issues i guess left too. She seems to feel free now(my mother is very religious so i guess divorce for her wasn't an option this and money benefits). But even if she got her freedom back its wrong to just act like nothing happened, to forget about everything and live on. me and her could never get along that way.

          Comment Hidden ( show )
          0
          0
  • Vato
    10 years ago

    If she annoys you after a short while, then you probably shouldn't be around her. Forgive her and move on. Don't continue replaying the past in your mind. THERE IS NO FUTURE IN THE PAST.
    Talk to her only when you need to or if youre thinking about her. Send her a card for her bday and holidays if you feel it in your heart to reach out.
    I forgave people that have done me wrong so that i wont carry hate and shorten my life with bitterness; but I will never hang out with them again. I'll attend their funeral if they die before me and that is it.
    Maybe in time, you'll have better control of your emotions. Many people in similar situations don't communicate with their parents until they're in their death bed. I hope your relation won't have to go that far.

    Comment Hidden ( show )
    0
    0
      -
    • twinklesstar
      10 years ago

      I think I'm going to do as you say aim to forgive her atleast and hope that it can get better . And continue hoping I guess, maybe its because I am young and I don't want to lose hope but I am just scared of a relationship that would turn out like you say (only keeping minimum contact). It's just suck to accept that it would end like that and I can't help but feel like its unfair. To be so powerless to do anything , to change anything, it just sucks so bad and if its like that in my own family what can I possibly expect from others ? It sad
      But the more I grow up the more I believe that life, people, everything isn't worth it and that its wishful thinking to believe otherwise. I just ask myself why, why was I even born. Why couldn't I just disapear. Unfortunatly just like the wish that things get better in my family that wish doesn't come true either...

      Comment Hidden ( show )
      0
      0