Broke up...bad timing...wrong reasons...i just don't know

69% Normal
13 Comments

First off, Merry Christmas to everyone.

Yes, I broke up today. I met this girl while I was in Afghanistan (on line), she was (is) so sweet and sent me care packages. She's financially struggling and a single mom, so I sent her a new laptop after I discovered she was communicating on a broken cell phone (no video).

Fast forward to me coming home, we continued and started to develop the relationship, but I began to sense a huge difference in our lifestyles. The biggest one being cleanliness. I'm not a neat freak and believe a home should look like someone lives there, but when I go to her house there are clothes EVERYWHERE...on the floor. Some are in piles some are unfolded and scattered near the laundry basket in the living room where it looks like she stopped short of folding clean clothes (I hope...not sure if they were clean or not, I assume they were). The first time I visited her place I thought it was a one-time thing, but after my third visit I can almost swear I'm seeing the same exact clothes. Her 6-year old daughters bathroom (the guest bathroom) has dirty clothes strewn on the floor.

I've helped with money and groceries and the few times we've gone on "a date" it was with her daughter as well. I never asked for anything from her but sorta expected the very basics of a somewhat tidy apartment...maybe even just the living room.

Well today I just sort of lost it (quietly inside). Last night she took me to see The Hobbit for my B-Day with movie passes she received from someone else (no big deal, HONESTLY), but we came up short by $10. After bringing her groceries last night, giving her money to pay bills, and knowing other friends have given her money as well (total approx $600)...I felt a little pissed off when she turned to me to pay the $10 for the difference. It was the principle behind it...and maybe thinking $10 shouldn't break anyone who's just received $600 they were planning on having.

This morning I left in order to avoid meeting her family. I anticipate if we stayed together I would just be a jerk trying to help her balance her checkbook, be tidy and generally make things feel stable.

I feel horrible for her daughter, and I feel horrible for leaving on Christmas. I feel really bad about it right now. She has a very nice personality, lots of drama, and I was starting to feel like a welfare check...so I bolted.

My friends will/have agreed with me, but most friends will so I'm looking for an unbiased opinion on the matter. Part of me says this feels normal, another part of me says "No" (maybe because it's Christmas). What do you think?

Regardless of your answer, thank you for your response.

Voting Results
69% Normal
Based on 39 votes (27 yes)
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Comments ( 13 )
  • boston12
    11 years ago

    u didnt mention if u talked ur concerns over with her? maybe shes unaware of how u feel and would make changes to b with u. money can b a trickey issue, if she is struggling u hav been very helpful, explain to her about how u feel un appreciated. u never no things may take a positive turn if u just talk openly.

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    • Tekhed
      11 years ago

      @boston12: Hi, no we didn't get that far...she started crying and then walked out of the room. She quietly helped me pack my stuff after I explained my angst. I can't imagine her wanting to talk to the guy who "ruined Christmas 2012".

      Last night when I came over I brought roses and dinner with me...so the thought of leaving never entered my mind until after we spoke and...there was no talking occurring. I sort of sat there thinking, "What the heck am I doing??"

      I looked at the sheets...dirty...I looked around...disaster...I conducted memory recall from every visit and realized regardless of how far in advance we planned, it was as if I dropped in and surprised her. Basically, I didn't feel very welcomed or like this was heading toward a serious commitment...and I was about to meet the folks.

      She was never overtly rude to me, but it always seemed like I was a last minute plan. When I discovered she didn't know how much she owed "everyone"...didn't know how much was going out compared to coming in, house in disarray at all times (we're talking clothes, toys, sowing machine on the floor (hasn't been used in over a year--I asked) in living room, old bills and junk mail mixed with daughter's drawings on floor and everywhere...I sadly realized that we were very different on how we view our own lives.

      It was starting to feel like I was saving her and this was not starting off as a partnership.

      Sorry for the extended portion here...I summarized in my initial post. I'm not perfect by any means, but when visitors come over I clear up the common areas and ensure everyone's comfortable. If all I have is ice water to drink, I offer it...and well, just the things my mother raised me to be. If I borrow from someone or put someone in a compromising position, or generally inconvenience them, I'll try to make up for it (pay them back, help with a project, etc.)

      If I'm in a relationship and it starts to go in one direction...it sort of feels like you're being used...even if it's unintentional.

      I am willing to talk to her, I'm not angry, but I felt like I needed to safe guard some boundaries.

      Hope that's not too much info.

      Thank you.

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  • Energy
    11 years ago

    Big deal. Lots of people have messy homes. And you're not a welfare check. I'd help her out too. But she sounds like she deserves better. So leave her alone. Good luck to you and her.

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  • ucipher8
    11 years ago

    its christmas. The way you tell the story, it sounds as if she was robbing you blind. The minute you got her the computer, actually. Knowing she receives a couple hundred from friends on a schedule is icing on the top of the cake. Put the fork down and hope you never get invited to a party like that ever again.

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  • Zucchinipod
    11 years ago

    Honestly you did the right thing for everybody involved, even though you feel bad. You feel bad because you are a good person who doesn't want to hurt anyone but really it is so much better that you just did this now, rather than have the whole Christmas deal which would have just made things even more relationship-y and complicated.

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  • dude_Jones
    11 years ago

    Get your toes tappin and your fingers snappin. There are clean, responsible and active women that would like to spend time with you.

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  • thinkingaboutit
    11 years ago

    Your right, you have self respect and a keen sense that something's off about her. it is. don't feel bad. she may seem very sweet...meh based on what you said, I don't think so.

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  • penpal21
    11 years ago

    Agreed. I've been in this exact same situation and it only gets worse. When it finally shakes itself to death the ending is much harder. It's okay to have standards and want to be around people who don't live in chaos and that's not just about tidiness.

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    • Tekhed
      11 years ago

      @penpal21: I was thinking similar to this. There's a lot more to the story, but mostly irrelevant, but it all added up to a little chaotic. Like I mentioned, she's not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination. "Two whole's have to come together to make a couple"...I was headed toward becoming a father figure to both her and her daughter and I already know where that story ends. I also did not want to change her.

      Thank you for your input.

      If anyone has anything negative to say I'm completely open and won't feel offended.

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  • americanhoney
    11 years ago

    Sounds like you made the right decision.

    Merry Christmas... and thanks for your service.

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  • Tekhed
    11 years ago

    I appreciate the honest assessments from everyone who responded.

    Quick comment: In no way was she robbing me blind and I certainly hope I didn't portray her that way. Really it comes down to fundamentals in expectations which are neither right or wrong for her or I. This may have been a simple case of incongruence.

    As has been said, "All's fair in love and war"...and I've seen that to be true in both.

    The feedback has been reassuring that I was neither 100% right or wrong and there are probably ways/timing that could have been better. My heart was in the right place and my intent honest. I'm sort of a lone wolf here where I'm located and wanted to reach out and have an honest discussion.

    Hey thanks folks and I certainly hope every one of you and your families have a great year. Thank you.

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  • Mando
    11 years ago

    It was over for you and sticking around would have just brought you closer to her family so the timing wasn't great but hardly bad under the circumstances.

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  • Tekhed
    11 years ago

    @Zucchinipod: Thanks for your response. I spoke with my mom after getting through the Christmas cheer discussion and she pretty much said the same thing. This might sound ridiculous but I really wanted to wish my x-girlfriend well, but since I also realize how this would come across (today), I simply said a little prayer that things will be good for her and her daughter.

    My best friend suggested that I follow my gut a couple weeks back and make the decision then. I agree that that would have been a more civil way of doing it. I wasn't disrespectful to her, I was simply honest and did not have the discussion in front of her daughter. I then simply left with as few words as possible.

    Thanks for taking a moment out of your Christmas to respond.

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