Ashamed that my crush is ugly

The guy I like is not attractive. Ive dated him before and I am very attracted to him, hes extremely tall and dresses well and he's romantic and driven. I havent commited to him because I have not been ready for commitment and stuff. Hes not attractive because hes got a lumpy face and he looks wonky, big ears and weird posture. He cant look normal in photos because he either stares angrily into the camera and looks genuienly scary, smiles very over top or has this very disappointed/sad look on his face. In person I find him attractive... Sure he looks awkward because of his posture but he is so attractive from an angle... Its because he has nice jawline and hairstyle that benefit him. Me and a friend was talking about him today shes so excited for me but she doesnt know what he looks like yet I havent shown her. We talked a bit about my taste in men lookswise and she was like "okay girl you need to love yourself, aim higher". My first boyfriend was hot and an athlete and he was the biggest jerk i've ever met though so I dont know how looks matters so much. I'm only average myself i'm pretty sure, plus I go on chemistry not looks. I'm ashamed now because my mom has laughed at photos of him and so i've always pretended to only like him ironically/date him because he's wanted me so much because I don't want to get made fun of, i'm sensitive because I got bullied growing up and ever since then felt forced to prove myself by always looking my best and everything so no one can ever judge and make fun of me again. Its not his fault how he looks, at least he makes sure to always look good and smell good and he has such an attractive voice because he sounds so serious and assertive when he speaks. He's a successful man but he's very socially awkward about anything that isnt work-related, i'm not sure how one could possibly aim higher though to be honest... He can give me everything I desire in life and on top of that he's romantic and a good communicator and that's hot to me but yes I worry what people think constantly its the fault of my anxiety and why I go to therapy.