As a victim, are homocidal thoughts just a phase? or a red flag?

All my life I knew someone who later in over a year raped,stalked,abused,and tortured me and blackmailed me, and when I thought i was pregnant I ran away from him killing me and my baby, he found me and beat me..and bruised my stomach. Turns out i was 4 months late due to stress. But still at the time, for him to kill my child, I cant describe to you my pain as I am adopted myself and I felt like a failure at the time like my real mother. Anyways I know god will take care of his punishments, and that he is probably messed up in the head. But I obviously have to deal with this everyday of my life in fear sadness and hate. I had the chance to kill my attacker one night. He kept tabs on me everyday and visited me or made me come to him daily when it was dark. I had taken his knife and looked him dead in the face. He started to strangle me but i, instead of killing him, just gave him a light cut across the back to get him to let go. I still didnt have the heart to kill another human being, but now I feel like I could. And Ive always taken pride that i survived without having to take his life for safety, I felt like god gave me strength. But now I feel so weak. Im paranoid and feel like only if I kill will he stop hurting others. His mother works with the police, so obviously the court system bashed me and turned me away talking of how i could just be "kinky" not raped. The way the system works is unfortunate. But I now see him everyday at school. No one talks about it much cause the case was as confidential as possible, but my family and I are moving. Im getting my life back on track but i really hate to think about how he is still out there and people like him dont stop just like that. I know killing him isnt the solution. and it wont happen. Im not a fan of the behind bars lifestyle, nor do i believe I could ever live with myself. But I want to know, are these thoughts normal? cause im scared I will have this in my head forever just building and building till maybe I just wont care about my morals anymore. Is it just a phase? I go to rape victims counselling but i wana hear from others. what do u think? thank you god bless you!