Are some people wired to be loners and malfunction with human contact?

77% Normal
15 Comments

Do you think that some people simply aren't wired for human relationships? I was always a loner as a child and I used to think it was related to my upbringing, but now in midlife, I think it is just the way I am designed to be by nature.

I have suffered from depression for most of my life and more recently, chronic fatigue syndrome. I am beginning to see that much of the reason is that all human relationships- partner, family, friends, work, casual aquanintences etc- make me feel stressed and exhausted. I am relieved I never had children, have no contact with siblings (that's good!), no friends and currently spend most of my time alone isolated miles away from town (don't drive either!) so only see my partner when he is off shift. I consider it likely taht when I have to work again, I will have to leave because seeing people every day will be exhausting and I will just want to be completely alone after work has finished. I am finding I don't want anyone to care for me or love me and I certainly have no need for sex, cuddles or conversation. Actually, I would be happy to die with nobody knowing or to come to my funeral!

I consider my depression a result of living in a world where being a loner is considered abnormal and labelled as dysfunctional!

What is your opinion?

Voting Results
77% Normal
Based on 88 votes (68 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • NormaLeeSane
    7 years ago

    It may not be normal, but I completely get you! I am a loner as well, except that I am married and happy in my marriage. But I have no real friends, i.e., people I do things with outside of work. I think that, like you, I am wired to be a loner, but also I came from an abusive family, which doesn't help matters at all. I used to have a few friends, but eventually got to the point where I felt that maintaining friendships was far more trouble than it was worth (most people are waaay too needy for my taste). I have my husband, and I'm happy with him, as he does not make a lot of demands on my personal time. He has his own hobbies, and I like to stay home and do my loner thing. So...we're good!

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  • Anime7
    10 years ago

    There plenty of people like you, although it's understandable that you wouldn't know any of them. Try setting up a Tumblr, you'll most likely see some people like yourself on there. But you're not alone. Talking to people can be exhausting. However, I don't think your depression results from what you think it does, I think it's actually because you need a friend. I think you need to be with people. Not like go outside and hang out, although I do think that would be good for. But like just meet a few people and spend some personal time with them. I could be guessing though. But you're not alone that I can assure you. If you can't enjoy your own company then perhaps you might enjoy the company of another. Perhaps you aren't as much of a loner as you think. We all get lonely sometimes, even people who don't like being around other people can want someone to hold. Disliking large crowds of people doesn't make you a loner, plenty of people are like that. But I think you will enjoy the intimate relationship that you can have with another person. Try meeting some people, online would be a good place to start.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I have to disagree here. I presently have an intimate relationship and I find relationships of all kinds have always stressed me to the point of exhaustion. Lonely is not something I feel and I adore solitude- can't get enough of it to be honest!

      The problem is that life in the west is not designed to accommodate natural born hermits!

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      • Anime7
        10 years ago

        I guess like if you mean in lifestyle, cabin in the woods, all by yourself, yeah you don't get that in America. Maybe Canada, but not America. Actually in the modern world it would be tough to even get a cabin. You need money and for that you need people.

        As far as I know I think a lot of people like to be alone, or rather introverted. Away from human contact. I think a lot of people are like that, it's just that obviously you don't see them because, well they don't like to meet people.

        It sounds like you're doing well though.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    yes zombies never speak to each other

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  • thr
    10 years ago

    As in genetically wired from conception, no, I don't think so. I think childhood development matters most. I also think diet can play a part in reducing anxiety and depression, thereby affecting a loner tendency.

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    • [Old Memory]
      10 years ago

      I disagree with this. Many people with autism are natural loners and it's not caused by depression or anxiety but a lack of inborn social instincts. I have aspergers and am very extraverted for someone with that and I still have no understanding of other people.

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      • thr
        10 years ago

        In replying to your post, I have began to think a bit about what 'wired' means. If someone is in an abusive relationship, that may wire them to be distrusting of others. It could also be used to describe the state one is in after 9 months in a womb, an environment which can be affected by how the mother is living.

        Looking back at the original question, though, it is clarified that 'wired' is to mean 'designed by nature'. Of course, I don't know to what extent one's tendency / predisposition to be a loner is determined by genetics, but I will note, that it seems odd to me that one should be genetically determined to being a loner, since my image of humans is one of social animals, who in hunter-gatherer times would have a hard time on their own.

        Regarding autism, it seems there are cases of diets causing autism remission. As far as I understand, it is not certain what can be said to be the cause(s) of autism.

        Whether or not some trait, such as being a loner, is genetic, inborn, caused by environmental factors in childhood, or a mixture of things, I do think that it is sensible to ascribe personal traits, such as ability to socialize, to genes or past things, in a way so that one can be said to be wired for one's behaviour rather than one's behaviour just being a choice.

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        10 years ago

        I agree totally here. These people are not hardwired for social contact.

        I do not have any of these issues and I wonder how many people with such medical labels are merely loners. Medical labels pay good money to the pharmaceutical companies so misdiagnosis is common!

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    Yes, I think it's normal. I feel the same way most if the time. I cannot relate to many people, and mostly spend time alone. I think marriage is a dumb old fashioned idea.

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  • thegypsysailor
    10 years ago

    There a lot of people who live a vast majority of their lives in isolation, single handed sailors for instance, but I doubt that most are depressed and as miserable as you sound to be.
    Your desire to be alone may be simply your inability to relate to people comfortably.
    I don't see anything normal about your description of your life. I also don't see any desire to change anything. Therefor, I shall offer you no advice, but IMO, you are wasting a perfectly good life.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Certainly can understand others like yourself are wired differently. I don't see any way I can change this (and why should I if this is natural for me?) as it has always been the case for me and the exhaustion created by being with people has made me very ill. If physiology breaks down (CFS cause never found after years of searching) then a person has no resiliance against stressors, whether physical or social. But I think being with people is stressful because I am not designed to be with others, but in the west, there is little choice unless a person is rich enough to free themselfs from the rat race.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    Being an introvert is normal. Yes.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    I'm kinda like that, but more optimistic.

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  • GoraIntoDesiGals
    10 years ago

    I have extreme social anxiety but only with certain types of people and in certain types of situations. I do crave my alone time occasionally but also like company from those who don't judge me or mock me. And I do need sex, badly.

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