Are my mom's spending habits normal and should i give her my money?

6% Normal

My Dad hates my Mom's money spending habits but I wonder how normal (or abnormal) they actually ARE?

My Mom spends over $2000 a month. She does not have a job and my Dad gives her $1000 for entertainment money per month. She says that this is not enough and takes out secret credit cards and is about in $15000 in credit card debt from last year.

Last year, she bought brand new: 6 tablet PCs, 2 laptops and 1 computer, a couple thousand dollars worth of sewing equipment and literally every as seen on TV product she saw, a couple of thousand dollars worth of clothes from designer stores, many animals and food for them, many manicures, hair jobs etc. She goes the store and whenever she sees something that she likes she gets it. They have no room left in their house and the room they have gets smaller by the day.

She says she "needs" the stuff but never uses it. "I need this new IPad because..." and then she says what she heard in the commercial about it followed by "and so I can take my music and movies with me on-the-go." But she never goes anywhere. Unless she is going shopping...

She always complains that she is broke and has no money and that our Dad is a selfish asshole (he makes good enough money I guess) by not giving her more money ("I am a housekeeper, cook, babysitter etc. hiring people for that job would be way more expensive") and for a while I was giving her portions of my paycheck because I felt sorry for her and everyone around me (outside of my house) told me that I was an asshole if I didn't do so because she is my Mom and raised me and even if I can't afford it, I must give it to her because she is "in need" and I owe it to her or I'M an asshole and an ungrateful child. I don't feel like an asshole, I was in school and had a lot of bills to pay but I guess I am an asshole for being so ungrateful.

I haven't done it for a while because my Dad told me that I am enabling her and by 45 she should be able to make money conscious decisions and hold a budget. I just don't know anymore.

Is this normal and what do I do?

Voting Results

6% Normal

Based on 77 votes (5 yes)

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Comments ( 49 )

Anime7

11 years ago

I feel so sorry for your dad. In all honesty I think that you should hold an intervention and tell her about her spending habits. Like Shackles said she needs to learn impulse control. I bet that she has done some good parenting but that doesn't really excuse her behavior. Would you give an alcoholic a drink just because he gave you a dollar for bus money? It's great that your mom raised you but she has to take care of herself as well. You're not an asshole for not giving her money, you're a great person for trying to help her curb her addiction to shopping. Seriously $1000 dollars for entertainment money and that isn't enough? Aside from the intervention I think that your family should stop giving her money and force her to get a job because in all honesty she sounds like a child, no offense.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  The problem is that she can't work because her health is bad, she is a chain smoker and does not care for her health. She sleeps like a cat. My father has tried to intervene but she takes these credit cards out without his knowledge and hides them from him. Whenever he finds out (usually by debt companies calling is) he tries to have her cancel them but she just takes out another.
  
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  - Anime7
    
    11 years ago
    
    Tell your dad to call the debt company and tell them to stop taking out new credits. Explain to them the situation that your family is in and make sure that that they do not let your mom take out another.
    
    How bad is her health that she can still leave the house and shop? I think that she needs exercise because then she wouldn't sleep all day. Furthermore, I think that your dad should try to break her chain smoking habit. I think a divorce would be nice as cruel as it sounds. But I know she's your mom but she really does need help.
    
    I think you know that her spending habit is bad and I can understand that she's your mom, but you have to curb her appetite for material possessions. Make her get a job, tell your dad to see if he can hook her up with one.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      He actually owns a business and even before her health went downhill he gave her a job. She does not want to work and does not like being bossed around =\ also my brother is intellectually normal but she has caused him to be severely overweight and he is afraid to be in the home alone and can't cook or care for himself at 15. The psychologist directly blames her. All four of them. I wish she would get a job but she hates working and is always sick and wont even get out of bed. Sometimes not even to shop. Most of her shopping is done online.
      
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      - Anime7
        
        11 years ago
        
        Have you told your dad to get a divorce? Or to at least make her move out. Like I said, she's a child and eventually children grow up and move out, somehow she managed to remain stagnant and skip the other two steps. I'm also very sorry for your brother being overweight. How do you deal with her? Or at least how has she been as a mother to you?
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        11 years ago
        
        Actually, I am moved out. My Dad wont consider divorce until my brother is moved out too
        Honestly, he'd have to pay out the ass in alimony because by the standards of the government she qualifies for disability. We are encouraged to show obvious gratitude for what little she does do and try to act sympathetic to her complaints but I try to avoid her because all she really does is complain and she is a dark cloud in our house. When she leaves, everyone is happy and joyful but when she is around its... depressing. She always bought me what I wanted as a kid and had me on lots of medication for adhd when I was younger. I'm normal now, I stopped taking it at soon as I turned 18 but she was always just drinking, sleeping or whatever. I just kind of lived my own life and dealt with all of the therapy and drugs pushed on me. She didn't discipline me or anything and yelled at my dad when he tried sometimes. I always had to feel sorry for her though. Over time I grew less and less sorry.
        
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joybird

11 years ago

OK so your mom is a spendaholic who squanders money. If I were you I would offer my dad money for my keep and not her. He is the one effectively paying the price at the end of the day - but he chose her, not you. Or you could sell the stuff she doesn't use on ebay and offer your dad that money. Make sure she sees you offering your money to your dad and don't encourage this stupid behaviour.

I have a friend who was so happy for me to be her friend coz I was lending her money. She had about $4000 a month to spend, yet told me she never had any money. I used to buy her groceries and pay for all her childcare and lend her $100s every month but she was getting further and further into debt with me. However, I found out how much she really had to spend and that she was spending it every day on crap - so I stopped lending her money. She's not as friendly with me anymore ;o) I wonder why?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Lately I have been telling her that I am broke and in a lot of debt. My dad does not care to have my money. He doesn't care to be paid because I work and go to school and that's enough for him. Granted I've moved out, haha. He hates it that I felt the need to enable her but people tell me that she is my mother and I owe her :(
  
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  - joybird
    
    11 years ago
    
    Forget what people tell you - you didn't ask to be born, that was her choice. She has more than enough money and debt, so it's not as if you are easing the burden. I said to offer it to your dad coz I knew he wouldn't take it :o) so why should she?!
    
    Maybe if she's sick in bed you could disconnect her internet? I don't know how it's set up in your home but if she's older she may not be computer literate enough to sort it out quickly.
    
    This is truly sad coz I know of a woman just like this and the only time she got out of bed and was miraculously 'fit and well' was when her husband died. He too, was enabling her :o( Your dad is busy with his business and happy enough not to listen to her nagging.
    
    It's very hard to watch people destroy themselves and those around them :o( Give her nothing more, start sliding the stuff out to sell.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      I wish I'd have mentioned that she charges him for sex. A weekly fee of $50.
      
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      - joybird
        
        11 years ago
        
        Sweet F**k - If I was him I'd go without before I'd pay her like a prostitute!! She's a disgusting human being. He should live a totally separate life from her, maybe find himself a nice female friend to go out to lunch and the cinema with. That might force her out of bed :o)
        
        I was thinking about you and felt that you somehow feel to blame for your dad marrying this fool. Pease don't! They were both consenting adults, she just took advantage of his good nature over the years.
        
        This is ridiculous! I don't know about in your State but it only takes two family signatures to get someone certified as mentally ill - maybe you two could stick her in a mental hospital if she can't get better on her own.
        
        hahaha I'd love to be playing mind-games with her!
        1st thing to go is her TV in the bedroom coz of her migraines. Then stop all her money - maybe give her $10-20 dollars a day, every day that she's up and about, NOT lying in bed. What would she need money for if she's in bed?!
        
        Oh, close the door and forget about her!!!
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        11 years ago
        
        Well, she wanted a raise and he wouldn't give it to her. When she told me that her plan to charge him for sex to get a raise worked she smiled and laughed about it as one would a victory. Hooray she held out on her husband for a higher allowance. I was so disgusted. I couldn't talk to her for weeks.
        
        Personally I think she should just admit to my Dad that he is just her bank. His dad is sick and dying and all she says is "I know he is stressed out" and goes on about her problems. I love her dearly but I almost wish they never met. My dad is a great guy. The fact that he never cheated is a testiment to how awesome he is. Thanks for talking to me about it. We all tried our best. I left but my Dad is stuck there.
        
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chocolatchaud

11 years ago

Don't listen to what your mother or what other people are saying. You don't owe her any money. The only thing a child owes his or her parents is to become happy, be educated, capable, and maybe raise a family. I'm so sorry for you, your dad, and most of all your mother. I wouldn't know what to do in your situation. I think going out for some sunshine and leisurely activities will help her. Finding something she likes to do and meeting new people! Is she eating healthy? medication only improves a fraction of her health. I hope you will find a way not give in to your mother. She kind of reminds me of my father. Speaking to a psychologist and doing group therapy as well might help so that she can see how the people around her feel and cope with her. Maybe she has low self esteem as well? I hope things improve :)

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  She has low self esteem, is in poor health and won't leave the house. We have tried everything and she prefers to just sleep and take pills. She is miserable but she just keeps hoping meds will fix it.
  
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  - chocolatchaud
    
    11 years ago
    
    would u mind telling us what exactly are the illnesses she's been having? guessing one is depression? How well is she socially? Is there anything that makes her happy besides money and spending it? I hope she will learn meds won't solve everything and are only there if she really needs it. :/ omg, I really wish I was capable enough to help you! have you or anyone spoken to someone professionally? Sorry for asking so many questions
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      It's fine.
      First off, she got into a car accident many years ago which caused her to have migraines. Second, she is diagnosed with depression, an underactive thyroid, arthritis and a plethora of other ailments.
      
      She has no friends outside of the home. She spends most of her day sleeping, smoking, eating junk food and watching TV. We have coerced her often to leave the house and participate in recreational activities and she did once or twice but made up excuses not to leave the house and we have to give in.
      
      She has a very negative and uh... depressive attitude but her family says she has been that way her whole life. Spending money is really all she has to make her happy. Nothing we do helps her and she gets angry at any doctor that tells her that she needs to stop smoking and start eating better and exercising.
      
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disthing

11 years ago

She has an addiction to buying stuff. Look up Oniomania online, it's the addiction to shopping.

I think she needs some kind of counselling to help her overcome her dependence on buying as a form of gratification. Your Dad is merely maintaining her addiction, and so are you if you give her money.

It's a genuine mental illness and the fact that she's putting your family in debt, made worse by the fact that she's concealing that debt from the one person who will have to pay it off, does not bode well for your home-life.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Yeah, it is destroying their relationship and stressing my Dad out so much but he can't just leave her because he does not want to expose my brother to more than he has delt with already such as her addictions and lack of care for him due to her mental illness.
  
  The thing is, my Dad makes a good amount of money and has afforded her a lifestyle, new cars, a nice house etc. that he would probably be expected to continue to provide for her after a divorce and he just can't afford that.
  
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poon_jabber

9 years ago

your mom needs to start sucking dick for her money.. maybe she's be a little more selective.

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Avant-Garde

11 years ago

She sounds like a hoarder. Don't give her any money, she'll just go out and buy more. She needs a therapist to get her to stop this dangerous habit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_hoarding

Good Luck!

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Justsomejerk

11 years ago

I think there are some goog books writen on divorce protection if it does come to that. Def worth reading them.

Your dad has to speak to a financial advisor and set a financial plan as the house is probably fair game to a debt recovery.

If your dad pays off her credit cards she will have great credit and they will offer her more money. If he can insulate himself somehow and allow her to ruin her credit rating they will stop offering her new cards.

Your mum needs your help in the form of tough love,

Your dad needs to seek professional financial advice.

Some people in this world are lazy and a burden, unfortunately your mum is one of these people.

Hope it all works out for your fam.

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auser

11 years ago

Your mom sounds like a total cunt lol. Tell her to get off her lazy ass and get a job to provide for her own spending spreees. If I were your dad I would divorce her ASAP and tell her to find another sugar daddy. You shouldn't have to give her any money. Maybe if it was something important life or death, but useless crap that are considered "wants" not "needs" in life. Sorry for being so blunt.

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Waffle-Don't-Die

11 years ago

I didn't read the whole thing cuz its way too long but you shouldnt give her money for her stupid shit
I mean wtf?! Why does she need all those computers

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Honestly, she made me feel so bad for her.
  I had no idea what she was spending the money on. I stayed away from the house most of the time and I was either at work, at school, or hanging out with friends. When I came home she would complain to me that Dad only gave her this much money every month and she does so much around the house and whatever and my Dad was cold to her so I didn't understand why he would be so angry.
  
  I never really paid attention to anything she bought. She hid a lot of her purchases from everyone. But then I saw a lot of them and I was like WOW. Giving her money was the only thing that I did that made her happy, and I just wanted her to be happy =/
  
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ceagl

11 years ago

She sounds like she is addicted to shopping. If she has to take out "secret" cards then something is wrong. She needs counseling for her issue. It is pretty common, especially among women.
The way you described her I would swear it was my mil if she weren't already dead. She will love you regardless of whether you give her money but she will bust your chops. Just be firm and continue to give her love but not your paycheck. She is sick but she is your mother. Good luck.

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[Old Memory]

11 years ago

He cant just divorce b/c she will take his balls in the settlement and alimony that I am sure the court will award to her being that she doesnt work a job at all. Even though that is her own choice not to work. I wouldnt know what kind of advice to offer in this situation, other then I hope you can move out on your own, there is also a show on A & E called "Hoarders" try applying to get her on it, they will probably give her some money to be on it, maybe even get her help.

Yet another true life story that I can use as justification of why I am never, EVER getting married.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  I am moved out.
  
  And that is exactly what I believe too. If he wanted to divorce her, she could play the "I'm a helpless housewife that he kept confined in the kitchen and now that my health has gone to hell he sees no use in me, waaah waaah"
  
  My Dad and I talk about this on a fairly regular basis when I go to visit. He says she she was like that her whole life and well... I just feel so bad for him. He wants to keep the family together and she is a financial and emotional burden on him. My dad is cool as hell, and an awesome guy who can do waaaaay better. He races, has a great sense of humor and personality and she is just negative and lazy.
  
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larsbros123

11 years ago

It's not really normal, but for a woman who feels alone it's normal. After my parents got divorced she started spending a lot of money. Even the money she got from child support because of me. She stopped when she realized how bad it actually was for her economy and for me. She started painting art instead and now she actually sells her paintings from 1000 to 4000$ a piece. Make her do something where she feels more appreciated. I swear to god it will help.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  Eh... actually... ^^;;;
  She has plenty of "hobbies", jewelry making and such. But we can't even get her out of the house. She's also a pill head, by the way. She is on a lot of medications and has a lot of illnesses because she doesn't care for her health. She hates leaving the house and driving and whatever she does make, she HAS to keep.
  
  In other words, we've tried that route v.v
  
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  - larsbros123
    
    11 years ago
    
    Well, then it's not much that I can say. Have you tried taking her to something like a psychologist? And I'm sorry to say this, but if she uses "illegal" pills or drugs I would actually call the police. They can (if it's really bad) force her to go to rehab. I know it's tough to do something like that to your own mother. But maybe that's the best way to go. Good luck, and I wish you and your family the best in the future.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      11 years ago
      
      She's not using illegal drugs, they are all legal. She goes from doctor to doctor and her healthcare system does not keep tabs on what she is doing v.v
      
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[Old Memory]

11 years ago

your debt to her has been paid by taking care of yourself , tell her if she cared about you she would not ask for any more money, that puts her in an awkward position if she feels like asking

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Shackleford96

11 years ago

Sounds like she needs to learn some impulse control!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  That's the general consensus that my father has come to but should I have continued giving her money? After all, I am told that I owe her for her parenting.
  
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  - Shackleford96
    
    11 years ago
    
    No, I don't think you should be obligated to give her money. In a rightful situation, you would lovingly give her money of your own free accord, not because you thought you had to/ were pressured into it. That is my opinion.
    
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- [Old Memory]
  
  11 years ago
  
  Gotta piggy back on you again.
  
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  - Shackleford96
    
    11 years ago
    
    Careful, I tend to buck sometimes ;)
    
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    - [Old Memory]
      
      11 years ago
      
      Oh my!
      
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Are You Normal?

Are my mom's spending habits normal and should i give her my money?