Am i turning in to an alcoholic? (warning!!! book long story) im drunk

i drink for the buzz. in fact i am drinking right now. the thing is, my biological father was an alcoholic, his father was, pretty much everyone on my fathers side was/is a trailer or country drinker, i mean my fathers uncle had diabetes even and drank himself to death.

as for my mothers side, my grandpa's dad was an alcoholic. the only difference is, as far as i know from my father and my grandpa's dad i heard stories about, they were mean drunks. i'm not.

i like to believe a person has a choice, just because it runs in the family doesn't mean i'm bound to drink myself, i mean my grandpa didn't drink. if he can decide to never drink so could i. or maybe it really didn't run in the family too much for my grandpa, bless his soul. he died like 4 months or so ago. its still unbelievable that he died. the way he died. he just paused and fell forward, hit his head. and that was it. gone. i didn't cry at the funeral. it felt so awkward, being that close to him and those who wasn't as close still crying, even the guys in the family i known to be tough and a total "i don't cry easily" attitude. and the night he died i didn't cry, i almost did, but i was staying strong for my mother.

i'm 29, i'm Eagwol, i'm close to my mom and family. i'm also a silly grown up with his kid side still intact. i also feel like i'm failing my mother, my older brother was the hard problem child, and who is gay. which is totally cool with me, i like both women and guys, mostly transexuals. i'm sorry i'm writing a book and giving so much details and even stuff that isn't related to the question. i'm so buzzed right now. as they say, a drunk mans talk is a sober mans thoughts. either way, don't feel like this is a waste of time. tomorrow i'll see any comment made. and yes, i don't want any sugar coated truth. which is why i look up to TheGypsySailor, blunt honesty earns respect. not to mention, i could probably use people like him in my life. to straighten me out more, because i'm not doing the best job of it. i do want a teacher in my life. :/

i like to help people, even on here, i like to understand rather than judge. i use to be on here as DarQness. but i don't want to stay in the darkness. again, sorry for the book.