Am i too ugly to make my boyfriend horny?
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about seven months now, but have known each other for a little over two years. Things are getting serious for both of us, emotionally, and since we're both in our mid-twenties, it makes me think that maybe this really could be it for life. He is the sweetest, most caring and loving man I know, he treats me the way I always wished to be treated, loyal, so goddamn attractive, he's what I dreamed of.
That's why I feel so terrible, seeing that he's not getting the sexual satisfaction I wish I could give. He doesn't want to have sex with me as much as I want it with him and at first I didn't think much of it. Maybe he just has a lower sex drive or something, thats what I kept telling myself. But a few months ago when I jokingly asked him how many times he thinks he could do it, he said that his record is having sex 7 times in one day with his previous girlfriend. That wasn't such a long time ago, he can't say that his sex drive runs a little lower now since he got a little older, that was just last year. Now, I consider myself good looking. Not someone you'd see on the street and drull over, but not bad at all eather. But my self-esteem came crushing down that day. We talked about his ex-es when we started dating, he had a few but not too many, about ten I think, and I didn't think anything of them then, but some of those girls I knew. Rethinking of what THEY look like, I admit jelousy got the best of me, so I asked a mutual friend who's know him since highschool to tell me his ex's names again. Immediately it becomes very clear - there's a type. All very skinny, with an hour glass figure, not overly gifted in the upper part, but huge hips and a huge butt, all kinda short. Pretty, but different faces, different hair color, different eye color, but their bodies: Almost identical. Traditionally hot, that's the word. I don't look like that. That was my first thought. I have more of a "sporty figure". Not very curvy from the front, and lately my once actually sporty frame got a little chubb in some places, mostly in my chest area, wich - till that perticular moment - I actually kinda liked. I'm almost as tall as him. I'm not fat, I'm a wierd way between skinny and chubby, but eather one of those words wouldn't really describe my body.
I think I'm not sexy enough to him. I think I'm not his type. That makes my heart sink a little. Does the man I have such strong feelings for really not like my body that much? Could we be happy together for a long time if he loves me but doesn't really want my body sexually that much?
I just... I wanna be everything for him. And finding out that I'm really not got me down a little. I don't feel confidant anymore, I don't want sex as much and when I do, his look makes me shy, it makes me want to cover my body, it makes me enjoy sex less, thinking that this is not what he wanted. Sitting in his lap, suddenly I feel so fu%*#ng seen. I feel every part of my body, I feel skin from my inner upper arm rubbing againts the tiny fatroll that's above the bra on my side and it makes me feel so fat, I feel all my cellulite, I feel the stretch marks on my boobs, I feel their shape wich is ruined by gravity, I feel the whole weight of my body, it's like I CAN FEEL the dissappointment in his touch when he runs his hands down my sides only to feel the lack of womanly hips, where he instead finds little but noticable bumps created by my fat when I sit. It makes me feel like a place holder for something better, for something he deserves and wants as much as I want him. I don't know what to do, I'm overthinking this. I'm making everything worse than it probably needs to be, but I feel this sadness and hatered towards myself just growing and growing. I feel he feels it too, I see him thinking that I'm not happy with him becouse of my sadness. I want it to stop, I want to go back to being constantly happy with him but every time I look in his eyes it's like there's a voice in my head telling me that I'm not what he wants. That, when the butterflies and careless days die down a little, he'll see that this is not what he wanted. That I'm not the kind of woman he wants to be with, and that this tutty fruity love phase was just that - a few months long phase with no actual basis in his conscious interest. Just a coincidence.
I'm sorry for the long ramble, I just needed to get it off my chest somewhere. If anyone takes the time to actually read the whole thing, I'd be very thankful for some thoughts or advice.