Am i too strict with my kids?

This doesn't sound like a problem with your kids. It sounds like a problem with your wife. Your kids don't respect you and their learning it from somewhere.

Wow, thanks for the great comments, I thought for sure I may have gotten burned at the stake. I love my kids dearly, and only want what's best for them.

You're right, my wife and I aren't even in the same book as far as how to raise and discipline out kids.

I honestly don't buy much of anything for my kids -because- my wife spoils them rotten. They don't take care of, or even remotely appreciate what they have, but they always get more. I couldn't tell you how many things they have gotten, that has literally been used...once.

Of the things I have got for them, they still remember, and actually really seem to appreciate it. I picked up a large Lego set for my older daughter, (for no particular reason) , a while back. She and I spent -seven hours- that day assembling it, of which could have been done in two, but I was 'teaching' (ok...bonding with) her. She still brings up that day, neither one of us will ever forget it.

I'm going to study the previous responses more, and see if I can come up with a solid plan.

Thanks again. Keep the ideas and advice coming, I really do appreciate it.

I feel the same way about parenting as you, so I think you sound like a good dad. I left 2 households because my parenting was being overruled and I want my child to grow up with values and respect.

Mine is 5 years old and she has driven me to tears, but you've got to stick with what's right. Try not to let your emotions take over and show no frustration because the little devils feed off that shit. You're basically bringing yourself down to their level when you react instead of act. You must be consistent with them because if they think there's any chance of getting away with something they will by all means try to get over on you. Never give in to them - remember who is the adult; you're the one who knows better, but kids won't believe it if you show them an emotional breakdown.

You also need to spend time with them and talk to them about values and morals and such when they are behaving and of course they will learn by example, so take them out in public and show off your own respect and appreciation.

I suggest reading parenting articles that pertain to the specific problems you're having. Many websites offer age specific information that I've found very helpful when I just feel completely lost. Plus understanding them will likely ease your frustration.

When I was told to do something, I did it or I got a spanking on the ass. I only got spanked a few times before I started listening to what my parents had to say. Also, your wife needs to grow some balls. Not only is that undermining you but its going to teach those girls of yours that their husbands will do all disciplining and that their job is to simply baby the children. Its blunt but its the truth. Don't give up on your kids or they will loose every ounce of respect.

Yes, it seems the time alone I spend with the kids, I have to un-brainwash them from the stuff my wife had (allegedly) said about me. I don't see how or why they (both) could 'make up' those things.

In one of my many heart to heart chats I've had with my older daughter, she paused, and simply stated, "She (mom) doesn't treat you very well". That's a shocker coming from a then 9 year old girl.

Another comment my daughter made another time, as the three of them were leaving for the day, was one of my proudest moments. Mom said "Say goodbye to your dad". Completely unprompted, my daughter blurted out "Why don't YOU say bye to dad?! "

I'm pretty sure she was only 7 years old when she said that. It was -brilliant-

Charli.m is right, she has asked me to leave, a few times. It took me hours, if not days to convince her we would -both- end up in a financial disaster, if trying to live independently.

I really want to try to keep this post on the subject of my kids; But as I had suspected for so long, a lot of of our 'family issues' seem to boil down to...my wife. If she doesn't respect me, why would the kids?

For as long as I've almost considered myself an 'asshole dad', thanks again for helping to reveal a more logical explanation, in that's it's not all just MY fault.

Give long term punishments and follow through with them.
When I was a kid I got caught stealing from a store and my dad made me dig in the yard all summer while he stood there making sure I didnt leave.
Punishment never really worked for me but seems to work for most people.

You sound like a good father. This situation is very dysfunctional. If it is this bad now, imagine how it will be when they enter their teens. You can sign up to a Nanny Show, like Super Nanny or Nanny 911. These are reality shows where professional nannies, usually English, will step in to help the family go from dysfunctional to functional. I think that this might be a better method then going in for family therapy. They look at everything and there's no room left for excuses or lying.

I think you are way too lax with your kids AND your wife. You are raising spoiled little monsters and you need to take control now.
First thing is to get your wife on board; don't ask DEMAND!
She MUST support you from now on, as you must do when she tells the kids something!
Sit your wife and kids down and tell them there's a new policy in place. And there will be no discussions about it either. Explain that there will be consequences if they do not obey. Don't tell them what and do not make threats you know you won't keep. Tell them that in this family EVERYBODY must do their fair share, period!
If the kids won't clean up their toys when asked, you do it but either throw them away (my preference) or put them in the garage until they begin to obey. Same for the clothes, except for school clothes. If they have to run around the house naked, well, it's their doing, not yours!
If they won't help with the dishes, pour the food on the table and tell them they can damn well eat like the fucking dog!
First time the pets don't get fed, bang, they are off to a kennel for a week. If this doesn't work, send the pets to the animal shelter; you have more than enough on your plate, you don't need to be responsible for THEIR pets, too.
It will be tough in the beginning, but in the long run, you will be doing your job as a parent and they will be learning that there are consequences if they choose to disobey; a good life lesson. In time you will have a peaceful home, well mannered kids and a wife that respects and supports you.
Good luck.

id beat them and lock them in the closet

I've been told to pick my battles, but as frustrating as it is, I tend to pick them all. It seems, with no support or discipline from my wife, I HAVE to.

After -asking- once, then five minutes later, -telling- a second time to pick up her stuff from the night before, I gave her a -third- chance. As I started to tell her, she interrupted me, and out came the tears and attitude.

That's when I thought of the advice I got here...

Instead of showing my frustration, I simply walked over to her new tablet she got for Christmas, took it away, and told her; "Until you loose the attitude, treat me with respect, and do the simple things I ask you to do, this tablet will be mine, thank you." , and went back to what I was doing. I think it took her two minutes to pick her jaw off the floor, and another 3 minutes to figure out what had just happened.

Later that day, she came and asked if she could have her tablet back.

That is when I moved over, patted a spot on the recliner next to me and calmly stated "let's have a little chat". I took her hand, looked her in the eyes, and calmly explained it to her again. "The things I ask of you are not unreasonable. I did not take it out, or use it, you are, and you should be responsible for picking up, and taking care of your own things. I will be keeping your tablet until you can prove that."

She again, seemed surprised, but did not, and could not argue with me. We chatted about a few other things, and ended on a good note.

Progress!

They need a beating.

You need to have a serious talk with your wife, in private. You two need to communicate better or both your kids and your marriage will be ruined. Is she undermining you on purpose or does she just cave? If its the second, then you two need to work on being a team and standing firm. I'm a little surprised that you believe that you'll be vilified for acting like a decent father-discipline and abuse are two totally different things. In fact, if you weren't attempting to discipline them, your parenting would be neglectful.