Am i to blame for this abuse?

Is this my fault?

Yesterday my boyfriend wouldn't stop harassing me and he made a joke about something heavy from my past, and I was also really stress from work and uni, so I proceeded to cuss him out with threats, then he punched me in the face so hard I thought he broke my nose since I was spitting out blood and had a gushing blood nose.

Our neighbors called the cops because of all the noise we were making. And my boyfriend blamed me for everything, and how I threatened him with violence, which is true. The cops didn't do anything and just filed a report and referred us to a couples councilor, but they probably didn't take it seriously because we're gay.

He's much older and bigger than me, he's a tradie and gym fanatic! And I'm turning 19 this year. So I feel like he shouldn't have hit me. But I did start it...

Yes	2
No	22
Other	7

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Comments ( 40 )

SpookyPancake

6 years ago

Dump him. No matter gay or straight, out of the blue or after a confrontation, I cannot imagine beating your loved one.

It's not your fault. I know you might feel that way, but that's how abusive relationships work. The abuser will mix love, violence and blame the violence on the victim, so that the victim will feel bad about wanting to leave.

I would assume it's normal that if you harras someone and insensitively bring up something painful from someone's past, the person might say some things they might regret later. Your boyfriend is utterly fucked up to trigger you and then injure you when, suprise, you show that it bothered you. That's how abuse works - it's his fault, but he controlled the situation enough to make you feel that you're the bad guy.

For your sake, get out. It will only get worse. Where do you live? If in the U.S., call Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project at 1-800-832-1901 or The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If in the U.K., call ManKind Initiative at 01823 334244, Men's Advice Line at 0808 801 0327 or Broken Rainbow UK at 0300 999 5428.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  I'm planning to now, but I'm having trouble with rent, as in having enough to live on my own.
  
  I understand now, and now I'm starting to realise that he may have just been using me.
  Yeah I don't know how the average person would react but I said those harsh things because his joke really hurt me, felt like he was driving a knife through my heart...
  I was so shocked I didn't even cry when he hit me, only later after the cops left.
  
  I live in Australia, do any of those hot lines have branches where I live? And is it safe to call them right now or until I move out, their just advice hotlines right? I don't know what my boyfriend is capable of anymore...
  
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  - SpookyPancake
    
    6 years ago
    
    There's Mensline Australia 1300 789 978
    Here's a website for men in Australia:
    http://www.oneinthree.com.au/
    here are resources
    http://www.oneinthree.com.au/servicesandresources/
    Including hotlines and special resources for gay men.
    
    Preferably don't call any hotline while at home. Tell him you have to go buy something, then go out and phone a hotline in the park or in the public toilet etc. Preferably somewhere private. Then buy something so he won't get suspicious. I would tell you to go to a friend and call the hot line there, but from your responses you seem to have nowhere to go.
    
    This is a fucked up situation and I'm glad you realized this and you are taking steps to get out.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      Thank you really appreciate this.
      Sure, I can even call after work or uni and just lie that my class or my work hours got extended. So I don't create any superstition, since I use his money and he usually wants to go shopping with me. Sadly no extended family here either,they're in Europe and I doubt they want to deal with me.
      
      Yeah I guess I've been desperate and just clinging on what I thought I deserved.
      
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RoseIsabella

6 years ago

DUMP HIM!!!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  Should I?
  I mean I feel guilty and I did say some pretty dark shit.
  Like I wish I had a gun... And some other crap.
  
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    6 years ago
    
    It doesn't matter what you sad, he shouldn't have hit you. Another point of view might be that if you could say such harsh things to him then he wasn't the right one for you anyway. Regardless, you need to dump him ASAP!!!
    
    Just out of curiosity,for what pray tell did you want the gun?
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      I think my anger towards him built up from our arguments in the past and horrible situations he put me through.
      Yeah I will, just trying to figure out how to sort out our renting problem if we split. I don't have enough to live on my own, and got no parents to crash at, or close friends. So probably have to find a roommate first.
      
      To shoot him and my self...
      
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      - RoseIsabella
        
        6 years ago
        
        Whoa, yeah that's a very heavy and toxic situation.
        
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  - Analandy
    
    6 years ago
    
    I think that you two should go outside, stand back to back and start walking and don't look back.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      Easier said then done. Although my mind is having second thoughts about our relationship. But deep down I still want to make things work.
      Just wish I didn't get so mad at him...
      
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PoyoPoyoPoyoorTripleP

6 years ago

Domestic abuse is never ok. You shouldn't have made threats and he shouldn't hurt you.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  So it is kinda my fault... I said some pretty bad shit to him. He hasn't even apologized or talked to me yet. I feel like I should say something first or maybe even apologize.
  
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  - MTR
    
    6 years ago
    
    Doesn't matter. Two wrongs don't make a right. And unless it's self-defense, you don't lay a hand on anyone, ever. You can apologize on your end but he should apologize as well. If your relationship can escalate to this intensity, it is healthiest for the both of you to walk away and soul search as to why you feel such strong emotions and frustrations pent up inside you. Once you figure that out, you can avoid having to lash out, but most importantly, avoid falling into abusive relationships. Be kind to yourself, first and foremost, bc that is the only way things in your life will fall into their proper place. Sending you good wishes!! 😊
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      Yeah we both apologized now.
      We argue regularly but never this intense before. The last time I was really mad at him was when he persuaded me to loose my virginity and I was 17. I didn't know any better since my parents kicked me out in the middle of highschool. I still kinda regret it now because I wasn't ready and was suffering from sexual abuse. I got really mad when he kept trying to make me sleep with him and I called him a pedophile that's when he slapped me. But once again I felt like it was my fault because I called him disgusting name, and he ignored me for days. I Felt so guilty that I slept with him, and tried to forget about the heated argument we had.
      
      Now I'm starting to think maybe I stayed with him so long because I felt unwanted and thrown out like trash by people who should have loved me. I never got any nicer treatment from someone that close to me.
      
      But I think leaving him is the right thing to do now. And thank you that means a lot to me to hear that even from a stranger.
      
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      - RoseIsabella
        
        6 years ago
        
        He's sounds like an opportunistic piece of shit who took advantage of your innocence and vulnerability. SHAME ON HIM! I officially declare him a massive piece of shit! He's notime a good person.
        
        Do whatever you can to empower yourself so you can get out on your own, honey! I support you. I've never met you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers!
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        6 years ago
        
        He made things worse, and I clunged onto him because I was scared of being alone. Feels good to talk about my problem here, I've been in denial for a long time and blaming my self. I can't believe I almost wanted to forgive him and move on, and continue our relationship. Especially after what he said that started our most recent argument.
        
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  - PoyoPoyoPoyoorTripleP
    
    6 years ago
    
    You both need to apologize and try to make this right.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      Yeah thought so, I just hope things can go back to normal.
      
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  - RoseIsabella
    
    6 years ago
    
    Nope, it's still not your fault.
    
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Anonymous Post Author

6 years ago

Just to update you guys I've apologized to him, and he apologized for hitting me. But things are still pretty tense for me, but now he's acting like nothing really major happened.
He even made a joke about the fight... And that reminded me about what he said that started the whole thing.
I don't even want to sleep in the same room as him anymore.

I think you guys are right and now I'm just planning on how to leave him. Since we share rent, I don't want to ditch all of it on him, so I gotta talk to him about this before I actually leave. And I probably need to find a room mate, I don't have enough to live on my own.

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NashamaTheWeird

6 years ago

It is not your fault. No matter what you do it is not ok for your partner to hit you (unless you are threatening or hitting them). You need to get out of this situation. Your partner will do it again if you don't.

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JakePlaid

6 years ago

If he punches you, punch him back. Call the police.

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Scarlettx87

6 years ago

He shouldn't have hit you no matter what you did or said but on the same hand, you don't threaten someone you love with violence. It's horrible, you should have just told him to leave you alone for abit, not verbally abused/threatened... still that's not an excuse for him to hit you but sounds like you both need to be kinder to each other or walk away

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  I left him now and I'm getting therapy for what my actions and his have done to me physically and mentally.
  Yeah I was in the wrong too, I don't react that well to negative things. And it was something really horrible and sick he said, hence my verbally violent reaction. But I can admit I was wrong as well.
  
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Huntey501

6 years ago

Leaf his ass get a pear of brass nickels and punch him in the nose see how he likes it

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  He might have killed me if I tried that, no joke.
  I have now, and I'm trying to see a regular psychologist under my uni for free, but appointments are rare.
  
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  - Huntey501
    
    6 years ago
    
    The brass nickels we're a joke but still dont try phycologists its pointless what's it really going to do
    
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  - Huntey501
    
    6 years ago
    
    Ya I was joking a bought the brass nukles
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      Oh okay, my mistake.
      
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EchoMaster

6 years ago

He'll hit you again. Next time it will probably be worse.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  I think so too, that's why I'm trying to get out of it now.
  
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Sillyneko

6 years ago

Based off the description you put here i would say your relationship has a toxic level that eather needs to be illuminated from the relationship or the relationship needs to sees to exist

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  Yeah I'm starting to see it is a pretty toxic relationship. I'm just planning on how to leave him since we have issues with our rent.
  
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yasss

6 years ago

It's not your fault, although you may have unintentional provoked him, it didn't give him the right to hit you. The police also handled it pretty badly.
To be perfectly honest your boyfriend doesn't sound like a very nice
person, I would dump him if I was you. I guess it could have just been a one time thing, but these things usually aren't (trust me, I know)
Good luck anyway!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  Yeah it's not the first time, he has also slapped me before, but not that hard. I don't know why I stayed with him then. Maybe because I was younger and dumber.
  I agree I think I was just blinded by love.
  
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Bhealy312

6 years ago

It's never your fault. Your boyfriend hit you first, that's the important thing, not the reason, just the violence. There was no need for it and you totally deserve better.

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- 2CuriousGeorge2
  
  6 years ago
  
  I agree. If you said things that were hurtful to him and you regret, then that would obviously be okay for you to apologize. But violence is NEVER okay. It doesn't matter what someone says. You want to be with someone who will not abuse you; not in any way, but especially physically. You have to protect yourself. If he punched you and hurt you that badly, he could escalate the next time you argue to something much worse.
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    6 years ago
    
    That's true, I didn't think about it getting worse. And from looking back on our relationship from the past it seems it just keeps getting worse.
    
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  When you put it that way I can blame my self a little less. I rather be called name then to be hit that hard again, so he is at a greater fault.
  
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Are You Normal?

Am i to blame for this abuse?