Am i overreacting to children's bickering? iin?

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My initial question was regarding whether it was normal for a nine year old boy to have much older friends. However, I think that isn't really the issue, so I am rephrasing my question.

There is a girl in our neighbourhood who is thirteen years old. She tags along after a lot of the neighbourhood boys. We have several boys ranging in age from nine to fourteen in our neighbourhood. As far as I can tell, the boys don't particularly welcome her presence, but they more or less tolerate her.

My concern is that this girl seems to constantly be in the middle of trouble. She apparently has tried to get into fist fights with several of the boys, including my nine year old son. She also has told them some things I think are inappropriate, and seems generally to have a negative attitude toward life.

She calls my son her "best friend" (my son adamantly insists that she is not his best friend), but her behaviour toward him is very thoughtless and often unkind. She also is extremely immature, and my son and his friends apparently have often had to talk her out of dangerous activities.

I don't want to be one of those parents who interferes in every disagreement their child has. At the same time, I don't want my son associating with a child whose behaviour seems so negative. Am I overreacting if I forbid him from associating with her? IIN?

I also don't want to make this girl seem like an enticing person to be around, which I worry may happen if I forbid him from associating with her. I am going to attempt to speak to her parents and express my concerns, but don't want to be overreacting.

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Based on 37 votes (24 yes)
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Comments ( 29 )
  • lc1988
    12 years ago

    I agree that you need to talk to her parents. You shouldn't discuss such a matter with her. She's too immature and would be more likely to take advice from her parents...hopefully.

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    • gryphon70
      12 years ago

      Thank you for your response. Yes, I think it is better to speak to the girl's parents than to try and counsel her directly.

      I also think I need to ensure my son isn't ever around her without responsible supervision. Fortunately, he trusts his mother and me, and tells us the things this girl suggests, but upon hearing some of her suggestions, I don't think it is appropriate for him or the other neighbourhood boys to be around her without a responsible older person also present.

      I would really prefer to forbid my son from associating with her altogether, but at the moment he more or less just tolerates the girl, and I don't want to risk him suddenly deciding she is an interesting person due to having been forbidden to be around her.

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      • lc1988
        12 years ago

        Ah yes, I forgot to address the son forbidden thing. It sounds like you and your son know what they're doing though. You're probably right that if you forbid him, she might become interesting. Your son seems to have a good head on his shoulder though since he does know what she's doing is wrong and tells adults about it. Is there a way someone can supervise them though? That really would be great. This girl just sounds like a bad apple...but probably due to being the age 13 lol.

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        • gryphon70
          12 years ago

          Thank you for your response. Yes, in light of some recent reports and events, my wife and I have been taking pains to ensure we supervise our son and this girl when she is round to our house. Away from home, he has been accompanied by his older brother or sister, or another older relative.

          This has cut down on some of the more severe incidents. I have also been speaking to my son since posting this query the other day, and I think he is coming to the conclusion that this girl's company is not something he wishes to keep up. Naturally, I hope he'll reach this conclusion and stick to it, although of course, I don't have any ill will towards the girl.

          My wife and I try to give our son positive reinforcement, praising his good sense and encouraging his friendship with the many children whom he is friends with that behave in a manner we consider to be appropriate and healthy. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

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  • adrianaxo101
    12 years ago

    Yes I think it's normal you're feeling that way. You're being a responsible parent. Obviously you said the girl gets into trouble and she's mean and immature so why would anyone want her around their child?

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    • gryphon70
      12 years ago

      Thank you for your response. This girl's behaviour is very different to that of my daughter's and her friends, and seems abnormal to me, but I also don't want to overreact.

      I think a call to the girl's parents is in order. If nothing else, they ought to know about her inappropriate aggression and the bizarre stories she tells.

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  • joybird
    12 years ago

    I had a similar problem with my young son who was always attracted to the rowdy ringleaders and bullies in their group. However he was always so gentle that I let him have them over to my house so that I could supervise their interaction.

    I explained to my son that each particular guy was not really his friend and would happily get him into trouble. It made him a bit wary of them, just enough to make him see them for what they were and now he would never associate with those exciting fools.

    You just need to protect your son until he learns how to recognise trouble makers for himself.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.

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    • gryphon70
      12 years ago

      Thank you for your response. My situation is a little different to yours, in that my son is generally one of the "ringleaders" of his friends. However, he isn't a mean-spirited boy, and so while he is mischievous and very active, he also has a kind nature and a sense of right and wrong.

      One of his best friends, in fact, sounds rather like your son. The two are seemingly opposites, but they get along quite well, and I feel they are good for one another. The more thoughtful and gentle boy is a good influence on my son, whereas I think my son helps draw out the other boy and helps him to be a bit more outgoing.

      I have been supervising this girl and my son recently, after a few incidents. My son and I have discussed some of the things she says and does, and he has begun to get to the point where he will stand up for himself in an assertive way, rather than reacting in a way that might fuel her bullying.

      Previously, he used to shout at her, or lose his temper. Recently, she was rude to him and rather than being insulting back or shouting at her, he simply said that she was being rude. A few moments later, he thanked her for coming round, but said that he was going to another friend's, so she would have to go home.

      While I feel that is slightly tactless, on the other hand, I am pleased he stuck up for himself without losing his temper. He also let her see that her actions had consequences, and removed himself from the situation to spend time with a friend who is, in my opinion, a better friend.

      Tonight, he told me he feels sorry for this girl, but prefers to be around his friends with whom he has things and common and can have fun, rather than around this girl, who only seems to want to get into trouble and who is always rude. We talked a bit about how it is possible to be kind to people without going so far as to be friends.

      Thank you for your thoughtful response, and best wishes to you and your son.

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      • joybird
        12 years ago

        Well done him!!

        At his age, a lack of tact is expected and acceptable.

        If he continues with his assertive behaviour I'm sure she will take the hint, and once she settles in to the neighbourhood, she will find other female friends to bully.

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  • charli.m
    12 years ago

    I'd be concerned about the possibility of sexual abuse first and foremost, then a mental health/behavioural disorder. I totally get that your primary concern is for your son, as with any good parent, but I feel sorry for this little girl, too.

    There is obviously something fucked up in her life. It's not your duty to fix her problems, but if you're seeing these things, maybe you can help her to get the help she needs.

    I'm a believer in the work of Jesper Juul. Kids only act out because it is how they let others know that their integrity has been breached in some way.

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    • gryphon70
      12 years ago

      Thank you for your response. Yes, while I don't want to overreact or jump to conclusions, the girl's behaviour is troubling enough that I am concerned that there is some sort of serious problem. I had a chat with her parents today, and was left with a less than favourable impression of her mother. Her father, however, seemed normal enough, so hopefully now that they've been made aware of the situation they will assess things and if she does need help, they will get it for her.

      My wife and I explained the standards that we expect from our children and their friends, and that we ask that the children's friends be willing to go along with those expectations. If they won't, or can't, stick to our expectations, then we don't let our children associate with them.

      I agree with you, that if children are acting out, it is for a reason. Hopefully, this girl can get whatever help she needs.

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  • YngPoly
    12 years ago

    I agree it is a bad idea to forbid letting him hang out with her. There was something that was troubling about your other question and I could not put my finger on it. In the first question you asked it felt wrong for you to be so concerned. I have a picture developing in my mind and if it is accurate DO NOT forbid him from seeing her or he will do the opposite.

    Can i assume she is sexually mature? Not finished with puberty but has hit it. If so I see one of two possibilities. 1 she has been abused which has caused issues with males. I give this a 50/50 chance. The other is that she is sexually active or wants to be. My mother and I had a conversation a few days ago in which it was necessary for me to explain to her that the entire neighborhood was having sex (boys and girls 7-13) with each other. She had no clue. If something like this is going on you cannot forbid him from seeing her. Never make a rule you cannot enforce. Why do I say this is a possibility about what's going on? Because it is the only reason it makes sense for him to tolerate this behavior. You can ask and he may or may not tell you the truth but that really is counter productive and not helpful, you don't want to put him on the defensive.

    This is what I would suggest you do instead. Never say anything that puts him in a position where he has to defend her, instead when they have a conflict comment on how mean she is and how you would never han out with or be friends with someone that mean, then immediately change the subject. Well placed comments like "wow I can't believe you have a friend that mean" or "why would you hang out with someone like that" then change the subject immediately works well.

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    • gryphon70
      12 years ago

      Thank you for your response. Children as young as seven are sexually active in your neighbourhood? I have to say that if I find out my son is engaging in any sort of sexual acts with the other kids in the neighbourhood, I would have no hesitation about putting a stop to it, and taking him to a therapist.

      According to my son, he and the other boys do not like this girl, but she tags along after them. He says that at first, "they didn't know she was actually crazy," (her family has only lived here for about two months) and then they "started wanting to see the crazy things she would say and do". I told him that is not kind, and that if they don't like her, they should just tell her they don't want to play with her and leave her alone.

      As for the comments with regard to conflicts with her, yes, that is what I have been doing. When my son tells me of some inappropriate remark or behaviour she has made, I discuss it with him, asking him why he thinks she is that way. He is very open, and still young enough to be trusting of my wife and me. For the last few weeks I haven't been letting them be unsupervised when they're at my house, so I've observed some of her remarks and behaviours first hand. When she behaves in a way that is unacceptable, I tell her it's unacceptable, and send her home. Then, she usually either protests, or cries.

      I am going to speak to her parents about the situation, and about my concerns. As far as I can tell, they seem normal enough, so hopefully they will intercede and keep a closer eye on their daughter's behaviour.

      As my son is just nine, I do think if I have to forbid him from interacting with the girl, I could enforce this rule.

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      • YngPoly
        12 years ago

        I am alway amazed at the arrogance of parents. My mom caught m with a neighbor boy 1 time when I was ten. She forbid me from seeing him ever again, it didn't work I just went behind her back. Therapy is certainly an extreme, children can and do feel sexual pleasure, in fact at 9 and having an older brother he may be a regular masturbater.

        I will warn you against arrogance of a dangerous kind. If he truly does not want to stop hanging with her than he will do it and you will only succeed at driving a wedge between you and him.

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        • gryphon70
          12 years ago

          In discussing the situation with my son, he has expressed that he does not enjoy interacting with this girl, so that is not an issue.

          I think your childhood experiences may be colouring your worldview to an extent. I also think your hypothetical speculations are rather inappropriate, so would appreciate your not continuing them.

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          • YngPoly
            12 years ago

            You missed my point in my last post. If he does not want her around tell him to tell her to bugger off. The point i was making in particular was the "forbidden fruit" it is alway a bad idea to tell a kid "don't do this". It's better to draw that to their conclusion.

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  • Energy
    12 years ago

    That's a tough one. I think maybe you can have a talk with her. Ask her if anything is bothering her. Just basically ask her why she acts the way she does.

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    • gryphon70
      12 years ago

      Thank you for your response. I don't really feel it is my place to try to counsel the girl, as I'm not her parent, nor am I related to her in any way. When I have witnessed her inappropriate behaviour, I have told her that I don't like that and then send her home.

      For example, I consider her very rude. She tells her friends to shut up and calls them names, etc. Now, I know to some degree that is something kids do, but I don't tolerate it. Last night, my son asked her a question, and she shouted at him, right in front of me, to shut up.

      I told her that that sort of behaviour isn't acceptable in our house, and sent her home. For a thirteen year old, she seems to have very poor impulse control. She also seems to have very poor control of her emotions, when I calmly told her that was unacceptable and she'd need to go home, she was quite upset and practically in tears.

      As far as I know, her home life is quite normal and nurturing (although according to her stories, her mother has magical, psychic powers and her father is a bank robber). I think the best course of action is to ensure my son doesn't associate with her unsupervised, and to speak to her parents, presuming they are not off robbing banks or at psychic fairs.

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      • Energy
        12 years ago

        Maybe she has Bipolar Disorder, maybe ADHD, or Borderline Disorder. To be honest I don't think you should talk to her parents about it. Just seems a bit uncomfortable. Just hope they seek help for her. Who knows what might be going on in their family.

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        • gryphon70
          12 years ago

          I understand where you're coming from. Yes, it's a very awkward/delicate situation, but if the girl does have an emotional or behaviour disorder, then it isn't doing her any favours to expose her to the teasing of other children for her abnormal behaviour.

          Of course I would never suggest anything presumptuous toward her parents. I would never suggest or ask if she does have a disorder, but I do feel as parents they should be informed if she is saying inappropriate things and trying to get into fistfights. If one of the boys did ever hit her, then I am sure her parents would be rightfully upset, so they really should be aware that she is trying to incite them to violence.

          I understand where you're coming from, and I will try to be sensitive when I speak to the girl's parents. Thank you for your concern.

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          • Energy
            12 years ago

            If she's like this...don't you think she's bringing hell to her own parents?! I know alot of kids like this. I don't blame the parents. Some kids are really hard to handle and can only be handled with medication. Most of all I feel bad for her parents! Imagine what they put up with EVERY SINGLE DAY. I actually myself used to be like her. I have Bipolar, and Depression and ADHD. You can always restrict your kid to stay away from her, but hell, wouldn't she get lonely...? I just lost my best friend just because his parents hate me for being myself (personal). I don't know. Sounds like a tough situation...

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            • gryphon70
              12 years ago

              I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. On the one hand, yes, I agree with you, that if the girl is acting out due to a legitimate problem, then she needs help and support. However, I feel that she primarily needs that help and support from her family.

              While I would never wish a child any misfortune, my primary concern is my own children's welfare. If this girl is capable of adhering to the rules and standards we expect, then I would be willing to allow her to interact with my son under supervised conditions. However, if she is not willing to abide by those rules and expectations, then I am not willing to subject my son to her bad behaviour.

              I also should stress that although my son is very loyal toward his friends, he has gotten to the point he is not interested in trying to interact with this girl. We talk about this fairly regularly, and in our most recent discussion he said he feels sorry for her and would like to try and help her, but that he doesn't like how rude she is and how selfish she is. We talked about how a good friendship is a matter of give and take, and how he can be kind to people without actually considering them friends.

              You are right, it is a tough situation. I am sorry to hear of your troubles, and hope your own situation improves.

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  • alv1592
    12 years ago

    I agree with the first comment. Don't allow your son to associate with her if you feel that she's a bad influence. And yes, you should talk to her parents.

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    • gryphon70
      12 years ago

      Thank you for your response. I don't know if it's so much that she's been a bad influence on my son, as her behaviour is not appealing to him. But she is not a good friend to him, and I don't like him being put in the position she puts him in.

      I will speak to her parents, as they really ought to be made aware of the things their daughter says and does.

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  • heyyyyyyy
    12 years ago

    Try helping people -.-

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    • gryphon70
      12 years ago

      Could you suggest how I should try helping people?

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